Truth

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John 8:44

February 21, 2008 in Living in Recovery by Chris | 12 comments

530937528_29fc5e1489.jpgYou are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

It came to my attention a few moments ago that there exists a link to this blog from another blog written by Mickey Clontarf in a post entitled “Agents for Satan”. Many of us who blog about recovery are listed there. The Last Chance Texaco is listed below the scripture from the Gospel of John, Ch. 8, v. 44. This disturbs me on so many levels that I’m not even quite sure where to begin addressing them, but I guess I’ll try.

First, I should point out that among my thoughts and feelings around this, anger and revenge are markedly absent. I know that by addressing the situation at all I may create the impression that this isn’t so, but what I want to examine has nothing at all to do with Mr. Clontarf and everything to do with my fears, my insecurities, my pride, my program and my relationship with G-d. The strangest things sometimes prompt that kind of self-examination. That being said . . .

In sharing my experience of a Power greater than myself, as I understand that Power, I believe I have remained very general. I believe everyone has the right to get sober, regardless of their religious beliefs. I don’t believe I have the right to force my beliefs on others. I am frustrated by those who do foist their beliefs on others. There have been times in my life when something like what Mr. Clontarf has done would infuriate me. Yet today, in whatever halting and small way I can, I try to live by a certain set of spiritual principles and that means showing love and tolerance to those that disturb me and showing pity and patience to the sick.

As the basic text suggests we do, I asked G-d to show me how to be helpful to Mr. Clontarf. I briefly considered leaving a comment on his blog; something compassionate, but it occurred to me that no matter what I said he would likely view it as a challenge or a threat and respond even more vigorously. My saying anything could only create more harm, so I didn’t leave a comment.

I’m disturbed also by the particular scripture that was placed above me. No part of it, to me, has a ring of truth in it. Because I love my Creator, I love the truth, and one of the tools I use in writing 4th step inventory is a way of taking the thinking out of my head and examining it to find the truth, for it is always there. Often what comes out on paper initially is the truth, but inside out or backwards or both, so I find the truth in any of those 2nd column statements by twisting them up. (Just a quick example: If I start with the statement “D. should take care of me.” it seems pretty obvious that this is not the truth. It is simply the crap in my head. But the truth is in there. “I should take care of D.” hmmm. also not true. “D. shouldn’t take care of me.” Now this IS true – remember, nothing happen’s in G-d’s world by mistake. Now because I am a child of G-d I have been given the divine power of choice, and here I am, not being taken care of. Perhaps, and here is the greatest truth in the first statement, “I should take care of me.” THAT is the truth.) So because this scripture is so uncomfortable to me, so subjectively different than my experience of my Creator, I have done that inventory technique on it, and found that it perfectly matches my sense of the Truth.

“You are of your Creator, your G-d and you want to do His will. He was the Creator from the beginning and He stands in Truth, because He is Truth. When he speaks it is the Truth because there is only Truth in Him.”

My experience is subjective, though. Can I know that this is true? I don’t know. What I do know is that the first spiritual principle I try to live by is honesty, truth. And I know that since I have embraced that I have not had the compulsion or the desire to get drunk or high.

The most uncomfortable part for me though is that if I am truly living by the principles that I say I embrace, I am forced to concede that Mr. Clontarf may be right. I don’t think he is, of course, but I’m open to the idea.

“so many problems he despaired of ever solving them” p.XXVII

November 24, 2007 in Living in Recovery by Chris | 1 comment

delstexacodesmoins.jpgI am, now, officially freaked out. Between yesterday and today I have accumulated enough ‘Close, But No Cigar’ kind of experience to have convinced myself that I am, like an old boyfriend once said, “a complete failure as a human being.” Intellectually I know that it isn’t true, that my problems are surmountable, that ‘this too,’ like every fuckin’ thing else, will pass. But at this particular point and in the fucked up corner I’ve backed myself in to I can’t see a way out, save to let the paint on the floor DRY first, and I used oil based enamel. It won’t be dry enough to walk on till after it’s too late. I’m depressed. I’m lonely. I actually thought about using today, which is unusual; just a fleeting thought, but enough for me to take notice and take action.

My dad asked me to come to my nephew’s christening yesterday so I got up in the morning and rented a car and drove 350 miles to be there. Since it was being held way out in the country at my sister-in-law’s mother’s home my dad said he’d meet me at a particular corner at a particular time and I could follow him the rest of the way. On the way there I stopped one time to pee and buy a coke, otherwise I drove. And drove. And drove. I arrived at the designated intersection 2 minutes late. No one was there. I waited 3 or 4 minutes and no one came. Already starting to feel like I had completely failed, I backtracked about 5 miles, thinking that perhaps they said the corner where one turns to get on to the particular road where I thought I was supposed to meet them. I found no one. I drove back to the original corner. No one. At this point I am sure I have the directions completely wrong. That I’ve driven 4 ½ hours for nothing. I begin listening to the voice in my head that tells me the same thing Charlie told me in 1992 – “You are a complete failure as a human being.” I am a complete failure as a human being.

I was in the right place at the right time (plus 2 minutes); an extraordinary feat considering the distance traveled and the fact that it was way out in the country in a place I have never been and didn’t have a map to. But still I felt like a failure. And it kept me from asking my dad for some modest financial help that I absolutely need for the short period this this whole warrant thing is cleared up and I am brave enough to get a real job again. I’m not good enough to deserve help. I’m “a complete failure as a human being.”

As a consequence of not asking for that help, my phone is now shut off. I’m “a complete failure as a human being.”

I just went to a meeting where I didn’t share about what’s really going on with me because I can’t say what’s really going on. They have to have already realized that I am “a complete failure as a human being.”

I wouldn’t have said anything at all but someone I like happened, that God, to actually look at me, and loves me enough to do what I can’t do for myself and ask me what’s going on. She had a good suggestion. I believe now there is a path to solving my immediate financial crisis. My friend Joe K., the “God in your gut” Joe, overheard and asked me to join him for lunch, which was a nice break from being inside my head for the last 24 hours.

My problems still seem overwhelming. They still, even now that I’m sober, seem to pile up at an astonishing rate. Kind of like when you spend years drinking beer in a station wagon and throw the empties in the back. Eventually, when you slam on the breaks, you get showered with beer cans. My head is still telling me I am “a total failure as a human being.” And it hurts. My life is complicated and uncomfortable, entirely because I made it that way. But that doesn’t mean I’m “a total failure as a human being.”

I think it means simply that I AM a human being.

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