Miracles

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Little Pink Houses – and all I really did, I think, was stay sober

November 20, 2010 in Gratitude, Living in Recovery, promises by Chris | 7 comments

Little Pink Houses - and all I did was stay sober

Little Pink Houses - and all I did was stay soberOn November 29th, 2007 is was 10 months and some days sober and in training for a job at McDonald’s; a job which, it turns out, I was barely capable of doing, my brain still healing from the years and years of crystal meth I did.

Ultimately I wasn’t even able to keep that job.  At nearly a year sober I was still so fried that I could barely do anything but focus on my recovery; pray, meditate, write, work with a sponsor, go to meetings, etc.  I imagine that most other people’s stories aren’t like that, even the stories of isolated, gay crystal meth addicts.  I fell down the scale much farther than was necessary for me to be able to see that I was an addict.  I just didn’t have enough motivation to do anything about it.  I had given up and I had no hope that it would ever be better, so why not just stay high.

I imagine that other people’s stories aren’t as extreme as mine, but for me, getting to the place where I could hold down a job was a big deal.  After a year sober I was given a scooter, which helped me get to a better job and hold that.

At 2 years, I got a car.  A really decent car.  Probably the best car I’ve ever had, and certainly the safest and most economical.

That was almost exactly 2 years ago.  In between I’ve held down the same job, maintained the same residence (with a roommate who is out of town 8 months a year), keep the same phone number, buy the business I worked for and manage to not drive it into the ground.  It hasn’t made any money but it has given a decent living to all of us who work there and in this economy that is a minor miracle in itself.

I’m a little less than 2 months away from my 4th sobriety anniversary and a few days longer that 2 years after the purchase of my car, and I have been given the opportunity to buy a house.  Of course I don’t qualify for the home loan on my own, but my parents are very fortunately situated so the financing is taken care of.  Still, honestly, I didn’t believe I’d ever get to own a house.

It’s a cute little mid-century (1959) ranch with 3 bedrooms, one bath, oak floors, a fireplace, on a quarter acre with a stone, wood-burning BBQ, apple trees, plum trees, and roses everywhere.  There are no repairs the house needs.  It has been beautifully maintained.

The only thing I’ve really done perfectly is not drink or use.  I have been awake whenever the idea that “this time will be different” would sneek into my mind and vigilantly dismiss the thought as insane.  I have done the best I can with what is in front of me – much of the time.  I have learned a ton, but never by doing it right the first time.  I have made every possible mistake along the way.

I’m not suggesting at all that if you stay sober for 4 years you’ll get a house.  I am saying that if you stay sober, if you actually fix your life, everything will change.  And even though some things will suck, and some things will hurt, and some things will set you back, your life will change for the better.

A Million Miracles

January 13, 2009 in Ephemera, Gratitude, Humility, Perseverance, Service, Willingness by Chris | 9 comments

I feel kind of petty for making a fuss over my upcoming AA birthday.  Two years is nothing.  I went Saturday to the celebration of someone’s quinquagenary in recovery.  Fifty years is a whole lot of “one day at a time”.  If you’ve eveer been afraid that no one will show up at your funeral, stick around and stay active in 12 step recovery for awhile.

If you’ve never been to a big conference or convention or a big sobriety anniversary celebration then you may have never experienced participating in a “sobriety countdown.”  Typically everyone already knows who has been sober the longest in the crowd.  Easily the case at this party as, to my knowledge, no one in Boise, Idaho has been sober longer than “Big” Barry W.  So the countdown starts at 50.  Then they ask for anyone who has been sober 49 years to stand.  48?  47?  Someone stood at 46 years and was counted. 45? 44? For every year 43 and lower at least one person, and usually more, stood up.  As the years got lower more people stood and more people stood till they had to start asking people to stay standing so they could get them counted.  Read the rest of this entry »

From There To Here

January 15, 2008 in Living in Recovery by Chris | 10 comments

Thou canst not travel on the path before thou hast become that Path itself.
- Helena Blavatsky

Several years ago, during an especially unmanageable part of my addiction history, I had a dream that I was driving. I was desperately trying to get somewhere and I seemed to have the wrong directions. I was talking to my mom on my cell phone asking for directions and she was describing to me where to turn. I could tell from her description that I was in the place that I was supposed to be, but the road she kept telling me to turn on did not exist. There was only a steep grassy hillside. I tried to find another avenue but there were none. All of the paths only looped me back to the place I started from; the place I was supposed to turn onto a road that was not there.

December 14, 2006, I had reached the end of my looking for the road that was not there. Everything in my life had come to nothing. I’m a stubborn boy. I do not yield easily. Every time I had a negative consequence because of my addiction I quickly pushed it aside in favor of a new strategy that would enable me to keep using. I was “not able to bring into mind with sufficient force the humiliation and suffering” of my present moment. I had prayed for a long time, and that night I prayed in earnest for God to let my life end. I have found that most people in recovery had a similar, profound pain.

People say to be careful what we pray for. I don’t know what they are talking about. I prayed that God would end my life and He did. Just not the way I hoped for. You see, I had hoped that I would simply not wake up one morning, or perhaps I’d get hit by a bus. I hoped that it wouldn’t be to painful. I would have done the job myself but I didn’t have the courage.

Prayers are heard and prayers are answered. I prayed for my life to end and it ended. One year ago, today, I woke up to a new life in a universe that makes sense; a life free of drugs and alcohol. Every morning and every evening for 365 days I have gotten up and gone to bed at night sober. That’s a miracle in my life.

There is no road that gets one from where I was to where I am. No worldly power is sufficient. No treatment program, not doctor, no family member or great love, no willpower, no consequence, no threat of jails or institutions or death was powerful enough to get me sober and keep me that way. It is only the grace of a loving Creator who intends for me a purpose, a meaning, and a destiny to grow, day by day, toward His own likeness and image.

I am only one, but I am one. I can’t do everything, but I can do something. The something I ought to do, I can do. And by the grace of God, I will.
- Edward Everett Hale

Photo credit: Texaco Detail, originally uploaded by aliyan824.

Note: This photograph is a detail of an oversized map of the state of New York made up of 567 mosaic terrazzo panels weighing about 400 lbs. each, covering the floor of Philip Johnson & Richard Foster’s New York State Pavilion at the the 1964 World’s Fair in New York (Queens). The map, now in ruins, once displayed the locations of all Texaco gas stations in the state of New York.

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