When I was 12 I lived around the corner from Kris. He was the most naturally athletic kid I’ve ever met. He was fantastic looking. He had 3 older brothers and they all had ‘toys’ – motorized toys. Dirt bikes and snowmobiles and ATVs. He was fearless and he was cool and I was intensely jealous of him, not that I would ever have admitted it. I was too busy trying to be his friend.
When Kris was finished with it I took over his newspaper route. When he stopped mowing our neighbor’s lawns to take over mowing the lawn of the church we lived next to, I started mowing them. He shoveled half the sidewalks in our neighborhood with a snow blower. I shoveled the rest of them by hand. I bought HASH jeans and listened to Elton John to be more like him.
The summer between 6th and 7th grades my father rented a rototiller to till our garden and afterward he offered me the use of it, along with the vacant lot he owned next door to our house. I took it and tilled the hard, dry patch. I removed huge lava rock. I turned in compost. I plowed the patch into rows and I planted corn and squash. All summer long I hoed and weeded and watered and waited. Every day I tended my little farm. By the end of summer I was selling corn, three ears for a dollar, out of a wheelbarrow in my neighborhood.
By the end of the summer I bought myself my first dirt bike, a little 125cc Honda. It didn’t really matter that it was Kris’s old dirt bike. It was new to me. It was MY motorcycle. I EARNED it, and I loved it. The fact that Kris had a brand new bike didn’t even enter into my consciousness. I have always been, I think justifiably, proud of that accomplishment.
If I am completely honest, though, I have to admit that I did not create that motorcycle on my own. My effort was absolutely necessary, but my effort alone didn’t put money in the bank to buy that bike. At the beginning I was given the tools to accomplish that. I was given a little patch of land and I was given the use of the tiller. What I did with it was entirely up to me.
Even beyond my effort and the tools there was an underlying force I had to cooperate with, the force that germinates seeds and produces fruit; a force that can be described, but when examined to it’s origin is mysterious and miraculous. In the end, while my effort was essential, it had very little to do with what was produced. My input had less to do with the result than any other input and yet I feel justified in being proud of my input and I enjoyed the product like it was mine alone. How much more might I have enjoyed it if I had humbly acknowledged that what I got was the product of a gift; if I had been more grateful?
I mention that because with all the difficulty I’ve put myself through over belief and faith, I have really been living in the insane idea that the important ingredient in my recovery is what I have put into it. I have ignored the tools that were given to me and denied the power that makes it work. It is as ridiculous of me to believe that I got myself sober and keep myself sober as it is for me to believe that I got that dirt bike on my own.
So, while I still don’t have any kind of “conception” of a Higher Power, I acknowledge that some power seems to exist; I don’t know what it is but I can describe how I experience it. I also acknowledge that the tools are a gift; that in the final analysis, while my effort is essential, and while I think I am justifiably proud of what I put in to it, there are other forces at work that are also essential to my continued recovery. My recovery would not be possible without the gift of the program and without whatever power it is that saves addicts like me from the hopeless condition I lived in before I got sober. I am still proud of the effort I’ve put into it. But I didn’t do it on my own.
#1. “This would make a great reality show.”
Recent Comments