Honesty

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Score Cards Read Zero

February 4, 2008 in Living in Recovery by Chris | 9 comments

ZeroFew indeed are the practicing alcoholics who have any idea how irrational they are, or seeing their irrationality, can bear to face it. Some will be willing to term themselves “problem drinkers,” but cannot endure the suggestion that they are in fact mentally ill. “Sanity” is defined as “soundness of mind.” Yet no alcoholic, soberly analyzing his destructive behavior, whether the destruction fell on the dining-room furniture or his own moral fiber, can claim “soundness of mind” for himself.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (page 33)

Like most of us in recovery, I’m not the only addict member of my family. Someone I am very close to is still suffering. The last several days have been filled with telephone conversations and emails exchanged between the rest of us regarding the current behavior of the ‘sick one’. The other members of my family are ‘normies’, or at least recognize the potential addict latent within them and resolutely follow spiritual paths with admonitions against drug and alcohol use. They have carefully and consciously chosen paths that lead them away from what they have seen happen to the two of us who fell. They are tremendously supportive of my recovery. They are also tremendously disturbed by the most recent developments in the sick one’s trip through the gates of insanity. Being active in recovery affords me such a different view of the situation than normal people have. I find that I am much less twisted up about it than they are. But I have also carefully engineered a protective barrier between me and the sick one that my family vigilantly guards.

The sick one will acknowledge that drinking is a problem, that perhaps she should ‘cut down’, but she refuses to acknowledge the truth staring her painfully in the face; the truth that she is completely out of control and that she is harming more than herself. One of the major barriers to facing the truth is her idea that income and power are the same thing. The only zeros she will recognize come in groups of six in her net worth. A recent incident, the one that has upset my family so, would be sufficient to cause any normal person to step back and reassess life as they have been living it. Unfortunately I don’t think that will be the case with the sick one. I am sure she has already fixed the blame solidly elsewhere. If she were forced to watch a video of her behavior and to listen to what she was saying she would find a way to deny the truth.

My fear is that this is only the beginning of a long string of incidents like it, incidents that will hurt the other members of my family incalculably. I have to remember that whether I understand it or not, God is at work in her life for the greater good of us all. I have to remember to exercise the same love and patience that I would give her if she had cancer or even the flu – she has as much control over her spiritual sickness. And I need to help the rest of my family. They need the support of one who has been there and gotten out, if only for today. No one ever did me any favors by standing in the way of the natural consequences of my use. It took becoming seriously broken for me to ask God for help. Today I can only show my family the value of the tragedy that broke me and support them as they step back from the sick one in hopes that she faces the truth; the truth that all her score cards read zero. If she places 12 steps in front of those zeros, like in the picture on this post, it becomes something great.

dollar twenty, originally uploaded by krstl_blu.

Your Image of Me Is What I Hope to Be

January 22, 2008 in Living in Recovery by Chris | 3 comments

Blocking the Sunlight of the Spirit“[H]e had been using crystal meth constantly for several weeks, and was suffering from severe paranoia as a result, when he visited MyOutSpirit.com and saw the photo contest slogan, “Remember who you want to be.” He says that was the trigger that helped him quit using and start getting his life back together.”
- Ko Imani

Here I withhold many of the specifics of my own moment of clarity. Something so intimate and powerful is not well served by my shouting from the rooftops. I do well enough to shout in a general way that there is hope for the hopeless, help for the helpless and a solution to an unsolvable problem. I assume that Ko omitted details of the conversation above for much the same reason. I was struck, though, by the similarity of his friend’s experience to my own; something struck my soul at the perfect moment and kicked me into action. After many years in darkness I suddenly saw light.

Where our moments differ is only this: the image of what I wanted to be was profoundly warped. My experience was the realization (the miracle of healing really) that I had been created in the image of my Creator and I was not reflecting that image. Too much of my stubbornness and pride, my resentments, my faithlessness, hopelessness and fear stood in the way of being a reflection of God. My thoughts and actions had placed me too far away to reflect the “sunlight of the Spirit”. I did not suddenly remember what I wanted to be . I saw God’s image of me and I was compelled to act.

That is an experience I wish I could give away. I wish I could give it to the sponsee who called me today after spending last night slamming Dilaudid. I wish I could make him see the Light.

Texaco, originally uploaded by domit.

What if I Was Truly Full?

January 18, 2008 in Living in Recovery by Chris | 10 comments

Ambler's Texaco - Rt. 66 “I wonder what it would be like if I really lived like I knew everything was going to be all right. Or if I really lived like I knew at all times I was loved and am love. Or if I really lived like I knew that I had access to a power that is unlimited and can do anything. I was considering it as I was making it through another cacophonous few minutes in my life where my thoughts were doing a victim conga line in my mind. I just know that life is not meant to be this way. But I also keep forgetting.” – My Agapic Life

We alcoholics and addicts seem to be especially endowed with that; with forgetfulness. In the absence of a complete restructuring of our psyches most of us have a difficult time telling the difference between what is objectively real and what is only real in our minds. At least that has been my experience. I forget that the underlying fabric of the universe is a part of me. I forget that my finite self as marshaled by my will is insufficient to solve my problems. And every time I forget those things I place myself a little farther away from Grace and a little closer to Destruction. Every time I forget to pick up the tools and balk at the work that leads me toward my Creator, I suffer. Every time I suffer, I forget that it is temporary.

On good days, on days I remember to pray, on days that I do an honest 10th step, the consciousness of the Love and Presence of my Creator is clearer to me. I seem, however, to go along in life thinking that I’m doing it; I’m carrying the message, my life is becoming manageable (ish) and I remain focused on the work I have already done. Inevitably something throws an unexpected log in my path and I have to exhaust myself trying to move it on my own.

The couple of things recently that have been particularly troublesome both involve entitlement. They involve my ego telling me that I should be treated differently, that I’m special, that I deserve better and they both involve the real (or I suppose imagined) wrongdoing of others. Good evidence suggests that doing the work provides me with a path to at least, at least, take a kindly and tolerant view. Yet, here I am, balking at the work.

I’ve been balking for some time on doing the work of my sex inventory. I had written so much on the other aspects of my fellationship with the IFX and in so doing had been relieved of so much of the pain that has plagued me these many months. It was a new harm, or rather just rudeness, that has prompted me to wallow in self-pity and animosity and to allow myself to forget that God can solve that problem, too. Stepping off the “I flippin’ deserve to be treated better than that” treadmill for only a moment allows me to see that there is a solution to the problem, yet I have been unwilling to take the necessary action. I’ve been enjoying the treadmill.

I have an astonishing need to be right, to be attended to and to receive the approval and acceptance of others. I have marched around being ‘right’ and soliciting endorsement of my ‘rightness’ since December. I have wallowed in my ‘rightness’ to such an extent that I went home from a meeting a couple of nights ago, climbed in bed at 7 o’clock and cried myself to sleep. I have considered ditching all my friends and changing all my meetings. I have half talked myself into believing that the only solution is to move away. By failing to pick up the tools I am hardly acceptable. It is hardly what God would have me do. I don’t approve of it and cannot expect others to approve, either. I forget that a little willingness goes a long, long way in this program. I forget where I put the willingness to act in faith until I’m out of ideas and have nowhere to turn but to God.

The other area I still think I can manage on my own stems from my indignation about the copyright to my work being infringed upon by an organization with a paid staff and whom I have offered a license to use my work for free but who have not complied with that simple request. Instead their paid staff are insisting that I spend my unpaid time to

“submit a notification pursuant to the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (“DMCA”) by providing our Copyright Agent with the following information in writing (see 17 U.S.C. Section 512(c)(3) for further detail)”

This is an arduous and time consuming task. Not only that, but they also assert that

“The compilation of all content on this site is the exclusive property of (unnamed site) and protected by U.S. and international copyright laws.”

All they had to do was ask me. That one bit of “I deserve to be treated better” has disturbed my serenity enough for me to march around being ‘right’ about that, too.

To some extent, perhaps even to a great extent in each of these situations, I am right. I do deserve better. I am worth more. It is not my ‘fault’. My fault lies in being miserable about it. My fault lies in the idea that I can manage these things without the steps and without God. I just know that my life isn’t meant to be this way, that I have a spiritual answer to these problems, that I do not have to suffer over things like this or to allow them to cut me off from the ‘sunlight of the Spirit’. I have unlimited access that connects me to the fullness and grace of my limitless and loving Creator.

But, I also keep forgetting.

Ambler’s Texaco Gas Station, originally uploaded by jimfrazier. www.dwightillinois.com/history.htm

The Tao of Texaco

January 13, 2008 in Living in Recovery by Chris | 5 comments

Yield and overcome; bend and be straight; empty and be full; wear out and be new; have little and gain; have much and be confused. Therefore wise men embrace the one and set an example to all. Not putting on a display, they shine forth. Not justifying themselves, they are distinguished. Not boasting, they receive recognition. Not bragging, they never falter. They do not quarrel so no one quarrels with them. Therefore the ancients say, “Yield and overcome.” Is that an empty saying? Be really whole and all things will come to you. (verse 22. tr. Gia Fu Feng)

Clearly (clearly) there remains much for me to overcome and much for me to yield to; much to harmonize my personal will with the natural harmony and justice of Nature, what I refer to as God. ‘The World is ruled by letting things take their natural course. It cannot be ruled by going against nature or arrogance.’ (Tao Te Ching; Verse 48).

As an alcoholic and addict, even in recovery, I find myself forever in opposition the the natural order of things. I am “almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though [my] motives [are] good.” I have the delusion that [I] can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if [I] only manage well.” “[E]ven in [my] best moments (I am) a producer of confusion rather than harmony.”

Not all of the character defects of a lifetime of addiction are gone yet, but I “have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. To show other alcoholics (and addicts, especially crystal meth addicts) precisely how [I] have recovered is the main purpose of this [blog].” I share my experience, strength and hope with readers here to aid me in the path of my own recovery and hopefully to help other addicts find or improve theirs. It is plain to anyone who read me one year ago today that I am hardly recognizable as the same person. That change came about by taking simple steps, which embody simple, specific, spiritual principles. I took those steps in specific order. I learned to practice those principles in sequence. I do it in the loving guidance of someone who did exactly the same thing before me as he was taught by someone before him.

In the process many of my major character defects have lessened if not been removed entirely, just as the obsession to get loaded was removed. “There is a long period of reconstruction ahead.” I was struck sober, not perfect. I still suffer from a compulsion to be ‘right’. I still become hopeless. I still fear change. I still seek recognition and fear discovery. I am still judgmental, unkind, faithless; just not as much today. I lack perfect ability to at all times put into practice the principles I have been taught. But when these things do crop up I have tools to handle them.

The path I follow, the Tao of the Texaco if you will, are the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and the principles (or virtues, as they are sometimes called) they teach. There are various interpretations of the steps and lists of their underlying principles. The one I use is the one that was taught to me by my sponsor, who’s sponsor taught him, and so on, all the way back to someone I personally know who has been sober 37 years and who received it from someone before him. Corresponding with each step, those principles are:

  1. Honesty
  2. Hope
  3. Faith
  4. Courage
  5. Integrity
  6. Willingness
  7. Humility
  8. Brotherly Love
  9. Justice
  10. Perseverance
  11. Spirituality
  12. Service

And I don’t know about any other serious addict but the thing that set me on this path, most honest thing I ever told my self and could no longer deny was, “I’m fucked.”

The Tao of Texaco, originally uploaded by Todd Robert Petersen.

The Shadow of Meaning

January 11, 2008 in Living in Recovery by Chris | 12 comments

Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
– Oliver Wendell Holmes

This is first pass writing; the whole blog, not just this post. I rarely take any time to edit. These words fall here as fast as I am able to type. Only a little thought ahead of time works it’s way into what comes out and that is usually thought I entertain in meetings or working with another alcoholic/addict. So, it may not be obvious by reading this, but I have a keen love of the English language and I try to bring what I know of it to everything I write and to everything I say. Meaning is important to me.

Therefor, when the story in the book says “acceptance is the answer to all my problems today” I stand in astonishment. I suffer from dishonesty, hopelessness, faithlessness, fear, corruption, stubbornness and pride. I can fully accept something and be powerless to do anything about it. I have always known that the CP was only a pit stop, but on 2 occasions I’ve been near willing to sacrifice the McNuggets they pay me in favor of staying in bed and feeling sorry for myself. It takes a great deal more than acceptance to move out of that. And let’s not forget that the man who wrote that story in the big book later recanted at a world conference. He said if he had to do it over again he would have said that HONESTY is the key to solving all his problems today.

In every problem area of my life acceptance is insufficient. I absolutely needed the principles behind EVERY step, from honesty to service. I needed to treat the issue as I would any other obstacle, by taking it through the steps, on paper, with another person and with God, to be able to do anything about it. All I ever can seem to do about problems like this is pull the covers over my head or get high.

Many people in AA, particularly newcomers, equate acceptance with honesty. I know this because I often hear them contrasting acceptance and denial. It may be useful to look closely at the meaning of those words.

Acceptance noun.

  1. the act of taking or receiving something offered.
  2. favorable reception; approval; favor.
  3. the act of assenting or believing
  4. the fact or state of being accepted or acceptable.

Honesty as:

  1. 1. the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.
  2. 2. truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.
  3. 3. freedom from deceit or fraud.


Now which of those really contrasts with

denial:

  1. an assertion that something said, believed, alleged, etc., is false
  2. the refusal to satisfy a claim, request, desire, etc., or the refusal of a person making it.
  3. refusal to recognize or acknowledge; a disowning or disavowal

People say that accepting something doesn’t mean having to like it, but the very definition is approval and favor. The antonym of deny is not accept, it is admit. To my mind the Acceptance Guy was right to recant. It starts with honesty. Acceptance, as it has come to be used (improperly) in AA, is psycho-babble. It is therapy-speak or Lingua California for the perfectly clear and useful English language word

understanding:

  1. to perceive the meaning of; grasp the idea of; comprehend
  2. to be thoroughly familiar with; apprehend clearly the character, nature, or subtleties of
  3. to assign a meaning to; interpret

My AA book says that:

  • “self-knowledge (or understanding) would not help”
  • “Understanding myself now, I fared forth in high hope. For three or four months the goose hung high. I went to town regularly and even made a little money. Surely this was the answer self- knowledge. But it was not, for the frightful day came when I drank once more.”
  • “Above all, he believed he had acquired such a profound knowledge (understanding) of the inner workings of his mind and its hidden springs that relapse was unthinkable. Nevertheless, he was drunk in a short time. More baffling still, he could give himself no satisfactory explanation for his fall.”

I’m saying that all the clear perception in the world, all of the thorough understanding of the significance and implications of my situation, all of the understanding, or as some have come to say, acceptance, does not have the spiritual force behind it to solve my problems. I have come to believe that the concept of acceptance is slippery. I believe we do newcomers no service by touting acceptance. I believe that brandishing about the word acceptance paves the way to relapse for many who are not introduced to the principles in the steps. The only things that I absolutely have to accept to solve all my problems, meaning to receive favorably, and the only thing the book talks about accepting, in terms of the program of recovery , are the spiritual principles I pick up as I take the steps in the program.

That is all I have to say on the matter and it shall not come up again.

Texaco Labelscar, originally uploaded by Lost Tulsa.

Sideways

January 9, 2008 in Honesty by Chris | 5 comments

“There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.”
- Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 58

SidewaysThat pretty much describes me at any given point in my history; emotionally and mentally ‘disordered’, gravely. I have at various times been diagnosed with everything from major depression to bi-polar disorder (type II), attention deficit disorder to borderline personality disorder. One of the things I learned in the process is that you can be well enough medicated to be unwilling to take the steps. Pain is a great motivator. Another thing I’ve learned is that a correct diagnosis helps. So does the right medication. The medication I’m finally on does nothing to re-uptake anything. It doesn’t keep me from experiencing great joy or great sadness. It only keeps me from being insanely manic or suicidally depressed. It allows me to be in enough pain to do the work but not so much pain that I can’t, and not so little pain that I won’t. Nothing I have constitutes the kind of gravity that the book is talking about though. What I know about serious mental illness could fill a thimble.

A young man I sponsor knows about it though. At the cusp of finishing the first part of his 4th step inventory he required hospitalization. He got home today, the voices quieted. And anxious to get back to work; to move on to the next part of the 4th proposal. One of the greatest assets this young man has is his ability to be honest. The only asset greater is his willingness to grow spiritually.

I don’t pretend to know what it’s like when your brain blows you sideways the way his does, but I know something about what it takes to recover from the seemingly hopeless state of body and mind of addiction. And he has that in spades. I’m lucky to know him. I’m grateful to be able to show him what was shown to me. I suspect that he’ll be of great service to others who come in with the same set of challenges one day.

Texaco, originally uploaded by an0nym0usmuse.

Our primary purpose

November 15, 2007 in Living in Recovery by Chris | 3 comments

texaco_main_neill_1930shelena.jpgis to stay sober and to help other alcoholics (and addicts) achieve sobriety. When you’re first coming in, when you’re on the morning side of the mountain, tradition 5 seems like the dumbest or most obvious thing in the world. Duh.
There is a song by Patty Griffin, I’ve talked about this before, called Up to the Mountain or the MLK song, that was inspired by Dr. King’s last speech, the one known as “I’ve been to the mountaintop.” This song has been especially important to me in recovery. Many mornings that song is my prayer. It embodies the power of my turning point, that moment in time when God showed me the truth about myself and my disease and suggested to me that there was another way He desired me to go and gave me the willingness to go there. The power of that song and its relationship to my first step was married in the coincidence of my first sober breath being drawn on Martin Luther King Day.

I couldn’t see in the moment God gave me my first step that the view changes as you climb. All I could see then was that I’d been called to the mountain. In step 3 I made an agreement with God and climbed that mountain in faith. In step 7 God delivered and gave me consciousness of His presence. As trite as it sounds, the newcomer really is the most important person in the room and helping them up is our primary purpose. After finishing my 5th step with Jim the other day he said, “Now you have a message. Go carry it.” Bring your brother up the mountain.

Before today I had never read the full text of Dr. King’s speech. Perhaps I finally read it because I began working with a young man yesterday, showing him what I have done, how I have stayed sober and how I’ve taken the steps. He got home from the Walker Center the day before where he heard me speak and that night, when he saw me walk into a meeting he came across the room and sat down by me. He looked, and by his own admission was, terrified of going back to the life he had before. Since fear and pain are great motivators I suggested he get to work on the steps, offered to show him what I’ve done, shared with him how I found a sponsor and how that has helped me, and then suggested that while he was looking for the right man to work with we could capitalize on the momentum he had and get busy doing the work, before the willingness wore off.

He actually called yesterday. I was frankly surprised. I suggested we meet at the clubhouse I am a member of and he showed up. On time. We read “The Doctor’s Opinion” together and I showed him what I did for my first sponsor for first step work, showed him that it wasn’t in the book, told him that I didn’t believe it was absolutely necessary but what value I gained from it. I pulled out my notebook and showed him what I did for the sponsor I have now, first where I fucked it up because I complicate shit, and where I returned to the actual directions. I showed him where that is in the book. I shared what I got out of doing it. I wrote the instructions down, as my sponsor had for me. Then we went to a meeting. He still seemed frightened, which encouraged me. I saw him again last night at the second meeting I was at. I suspect I’ll hear from him later today. The view from up the mountain is profoundly different.

I don’t intend to detract from Dr. King’s message regarding the civil rights movement in any way, or from the powerful message of his final speech. There is a universal truth in that speech, though, about knowing God and about working to be delivered from bondage in any form. That universal truth, the message of courage and faith and hope, is the message I hope to carry when I share my experience with the next suffering alcoholic or addict. In the middle of his speech Dr. King talks about taking specific steps to becoming free from the bondage of poverty and inequality for black Americans, the same way we AAs talk about taking specific steps for victory over addiction. The first part and last part of the speech talk about the truth of why we do it. I have significantly edited leaving only the most relevant parts that pertain to my struggle to overcome, but I think it merits sharing here.

“I know, somehow, that only when it is dark enough can you see the stars. And I see God working in this period of the twentieth century in a way that men, in some strange way, are responding.Something is happening in our world. The masses of people are rising up. And wherever they are assembled today, whether they are in Johannesburg, South Africa; Nairobi, Kenya; Accra, Ghana; New York City; Atlanta, Georgia; Jackson, Mississippi; or Memphis, Tennessee — the cry is always the same: “We want to be free.”

And another reason that I’m happy to live in this period is that we have been forced to a point where we are going to have to grapple with the problems that men have been trying to grapple with through history, but the demands didn’t force them to do it. Survival demands that we grapple with them. We know how it’s coming out. For when people get caught up with that which is right and they are willing to sacrifice for it, there is no stopping point short of victory.

If it means leaving work, if it means leaving school — be there. Be concerned about your brother. [E]ither we go up together, or we go down together. Let us develop a kind of dangerous unselfishness. If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him? That’s the question before you tonight. The question is not, “If I stop to help this man in need, what will happen to me?” The question is, “If I do not stop to help . . .what will happen to them?” That’s the question.

We’ve got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn’t matter with me now, because I’ve been to the mountaintop. And I don’t mind. I just want to do God’s will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land!

- Dr. Martin Luther King, delivered 3 April 1968, Mason Temple (Church of God in Christ Headquarters), Memphis, Tennessee

So I need help

December 18, 2006 in Honesty by Chris | No comments

Well, yeah, so he called last night. He’s in jail now, you know. His mugshot. Arrested on my birthday. But not till he was hours late.
I didn’t know he’d been arrested till two days later.

He called last night to tell me that his parole officer was recommending that he be returned to prison to serve out the remainder of his sentence. He also asked me to see about his car. I found the car downtown with a stack of parking tickets on it and got inside and found the key he’d left there. Cleaning out the car today I found more things of mine he’d taken, my address book for example, nicely filled in with addresses that are his. I’ll transcribe them and mail them to him along with the photo album he left there. I found his hoodie and put it on. And cried.

A few minutes ago I was rereading some e-mails we had exchanged and one of the AdSense ads above had a link to an open letter to single women frustrated with dating the wrong guys

Yeah, so in this letter it had the following list of personality traits and asked if the men in my life have had them.

1. SUPERFICIAL CHARM – the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, and slick. Not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. He never gets tongue-tied and has freed himself from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH — a grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. An arrogant guy who believes he is a superior human being.

3. NEED FOR STIMULATION (PRONENESS TO BOREDOM) — an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Often has low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because he gets bored easily.

4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING – can be moderate or high; in moderate form, and will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever (in extreme form, he will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest).

5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS — the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.

6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT – a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.

7. SHALLOW AFFECT – emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY — a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE — an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS – expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR — a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS – an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

13. IMPULSIVITY — the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

14. IRRESPONSIBILITY — repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

15. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS — a failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

16. MANY SHORT-TERM RELATIONSHIPS — a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

17. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY – behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

18. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY – A diversity of types of criminal offenses (regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them); taking great pride at getting away with crimes.

Well that’s Dan in a nutshell. That’s Dan exactly. What’s scarier is that all 18 traits are actually “clinical traits” of a sociopath (Source: Psychopathy Checklist-Revised, PCL-R; Hare,1991, 2003).

Sociopaths only care about fulfilling their own needs and desires – selfishness and egocentricity to the extreme. Everything and everybody else is mentally twisted around in their minds as objects to be used in fulfilling their own needs and desires. Not surprisingly, parental failure (usually fatherlessness) is the #1 reason why someone develops a sociopathic personality.

Parental failure is also the usual cause of co dependence, the kind of personality I have. It usually stems from being abandoned (or abused) as a child and which makes one susceptible to guys like Dan.

So I need help.

I thought I’d fixed my relationship with my father but I guess I haven’t. I knew it along the way here. In fact I had told friends of mine that I was aware that Dan was a surrogate for my relationship with my father but that I didn’t know what to do about it. Anyway, I know I’m begging here but I need your prayers.

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