For two years now I have struggled against the idea of God, against the word God, against the proofs of God and His love that I hear people talk about all the time, and I have struggled against them to the point that in order to give myself some peace of mind I simply dismissed the question entirely and have considered myself to be an atheist. Atheism as an ideology and being an atheist inside a 12 step program is a dicey proposition. One must be very careful what one says at meeting level so as not to belittle the pious and in so doing dismiss the foundation of the very program that, though my convictions run against it, gave me back my life. Read the rest of this entry »
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I’m mostly okay now. Most of the time it feels almost like none of it ever happened; like my life in addiction was a bad dream. Looking back it is almost incomprehensible to me how far I had fallen, how much I suffered, how much effort and pain it took to get through to the other side. It seems like an almost impossible feat, particularly in light of the fact that the real insanity that gripped me before has never really returned.
I have moments of it. One shouldn’t think I don’t. I am as susceptible as any addict or alcoholic to be visited by the “strange mental twist” that is the nature of addiction. When I catch myself thinking, “When I retire in Italy I am definitely drinking wine,” I also find myself thinking, “It’s a good thing you’re on your way to a meeting.” When I find myself thinking, as I often do, that there is no such thing as God; that believing in “God” is as ridiculous as believing is Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or a magical kitten that lives in a tea-pot on the dark side of the moon, I also find myself thinking that not believing in those things should not keep me from having faith that there is in fact a “Great Reality” beyond my understanding, which has helped me stay sober and which I experience at times as “a new life, a new freedom, and a new happiness.” Again then I find the desire and the willingness to stay on this path. Read the rest of this entry »
“Although financial recovery is on the way for many of us, we found we could not place money first. For us, material well-being always followed spiritual progress; it never preceded.” -Alcoholics Anonymous
I’m still doing my usual routine, staying close to sober friends, attending meetings, writing inventory when it is indicated, seeing my sponsor regularly; the same stuff I’ve done for the last 38 months or so, yet I find myself in an odd situation. As I have taken on a larger role and accepted more responsibility in the company I work for I have discovered that the reasons I have had my paychecks bounce in the past is only that my company is astonishingly mismanaged. And that is unacceptable to me. So I’ve written inventory about my boss and about my job. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed. I’ve talked to my sponsor and with a small handful of close friends and family. Read the rest of this entry »
My sobriety anniversary is very important to me and it’s coming up here soon, but it doesn’t quite move me the same way December 13th does. December 13th, today, happens also to be my birthday, but my God, I’m 44 years old. My “birthday” is not really a big deal anymore. No, the anniversary I celebrate tonight, the reason this day is important to me, is that on this night, three years ago, I suddenly saw myself clearly and suddenly had a little hope that recovery would be possible.
The first two years were easy. This last one has been a bitch. There have been times recently when I have wished that I had died back in May. It would have been so much easier. I’ve even, at times, tried to tell myself that if that illness had killed me that I would be a hero. I would have died sober. I would have died doing the things that I was supposed to be doing. My family and friends would mourn me, sure, but there would be something happy underneath the sorrow; the knowledge that they had known me and that in my last years I had been sober.
Lately things have been much, much harder. I’ve had to return to being medicated to stop the insanity that has been going through my mind. The medicines are working, so that is good, but I still have a ton of stuff to face.
Somehow, in spite of everything, I have remained sober. In fact I’ve been sober longer now than I have ever been since I was 14 years old and I attribute it to that moment at the corner of 6th and Pueblo, under the street lamp, in the snow, when I finally understood that the pain I was in then was the very best that I could hope for, unless I got sober, and when I suddenly believed that it would be possible.
” God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always. Amen”
Tonight I witnessed one of the greatest acts of faith and willingness I’ve ever seen in someone new to recovery. I don’t even know what word describes how I feel. Fulfilled. Grateful. Sruprised, Happy. Blessed. I don’t know. Full. I feel full.
I’ve been spending more time with the Cheerleader lately and I’ve been doing it because he’s been reaching out. I’m probably the only guy in town who understands about what it is to be a gay man in early recovery from crystal meth addiction that actively makes himself available to other men trying to get clean. Maybe not, but when I was trying to get clean I had a hard time even finding honest voices out in the blogosphere. Marc and Rod were the first and only for quite awhile. Read the rest of this entry »
Not because of a bill or anything. It’s included in the rent, so they must be doing some kind of repair or something, but the fact remains my water is turned off. And I haven’t showered. And I’m supposed to be at work in half an hour. I just this second remembered that I have a bottle of distilled water in the kitchen so I can at least ease the pain with another cup of coffee.
I’ve opened up the faucet and I’m waiting for the telltale hiss of a return to civilized living. Read the rest of this entry »
I didn’t have to work yesterday and I got up pretty early with the intention of getting a bunch of chores done. By 10 o’clock I realized that unless I got up and left the house for awhile that nothing was going to get done, There is a Sunday morning meeting here that is very popular and that, being like I am, I haven’t attended in many months, so I thought maybe I’d go. I got on my scooter at a quarter to 11 and headed over to the Sunday Spiritual Meeting, only to find that it started at 10. Read the rest of this entry »
I wrote a post over at the Second Road the other day about the hurdles we face in finding the Higher Power of 12 step programs. The idea for the post came from a conversation I had with a friend a few nights ago wherein he told me that the only ‘God’ he was willing to believe in, when he got to AA, was what he called “The God of Unintended Consequences”. The conversation was interesting enough to me that I immediately started researching the 2nd step observations of the early AAs and the neurobiology of belief.
I garnered some great knowledge in this, and I gained some really useful clarity about the roles of honesty, open mindedness, and willingness in having an effective spiritual experience. I understood, as I never had before, why it had been so important for me to cling to the alternate names of God we use; Higher Power, Creator, and Spirit of the Universe. Read the rest of this entry »
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