AA

You are currently browsing articles tagged AA.

The Tao of Texaco

January 13, 2008 in Living in Recovery by Chris | 5 comments

Yield and overcome; bend and be straight; empty and be full; wear out and be new; have little and gain; have much and be confused. Therefore wise men embrace the one and set an example to all. Not putting on a display, they shine forth. Not justifying themselves, they are distinguished. Not boasting, they receive recognition. Not bragging, they never falter. They do not quarrel so no one quarrels with them. Therefore the ancients say, “Yield and overcome.” Is that an empty saying? Be really whole and all things will come to you. (verse 22. tr. Gia Fu Feng)

Clearly (clearly) there remains much for me to overcome and much for me to yield to; much to harmonize my personal will with the natural harmony and justice of Nature, what I refer to as God. ‘The World is ruled by letting things take their natural course. It cannot be ruled by going against nature or arrogance.’ (Tao Te Ching; Verse 48).

As an alcoholic and addict, even in recovery, I find myself forever in opposition the the natural order of things. I am “almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though [my] motives [are] good.” I have the delusion that [I] can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if [I] only manage well.” “[E]ven in [my] best moments (I am) a producer of confusion rather than harmony.”

Not all of the character defects of a lifetime of addiction are gone yet, but I “have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. To show other alcoholics (and addicts, especially crystal meth addicts) precisely how [I] have recovered is the main purpose of this [blog].” I share my experience, strength and hope with readers here to aid me in the path of my own recovery and hopefully to help other addicts find or improve theirs. It is plain to anyone who read me one year ago today that I am hardly recognizable as the same person. That change came about by taking simple steps, which embody simple, specific, spiritual principles. I took those steps in specific order. I learned to practice those principles in sequence. I do it in the loving guidance of someone who did exactly the same thing before me as he was taught by someone before him.

In the process many of my major character defects have lessened if not been removed entirely, just as the obsession to get loaded was removed. “There is a long period of reconstruction ahead.” I was struck sober, not perfect. I still suffer from a compulsion to be ‘right’. I still become hopeless. I still fear change. I still seek recognition and fear discovery. I am still judgmental, unkind, faithless; just not as much today. I lack perfect ability to at all times put into practice the principles I have been taught. But when these things do crop up I have tools to handle them.

The path I follow, the Tao of the Texaco if you will, are the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and the principles (or virtues, as they are sometimes called) they teach. There are various interpretations of the steps and lists of their underlying principles. The one I use is the one that was taught to me by my sponsor, who’s sponsor taught him, and so on, all the way back to someone I personally know who has been sober 37 years and who received it from someone before him. Corresponding with each step, those principles are:

  1. Honesty
  2. Hope
  3. Faith
  4. Courage
  5. Integrity
  6. Willingness
  7. Humility
  8. Brotherly Love
  9. Justice
  10. Perseverance
  11. Spirituality
  12. Service

And I don’t know about any other serious addict but the thing that set me on this path, most honest thing I ever told my self and could no longer deny was, “I’m fucked.”

The Tao of Texaco, originally uploaded by Todd Robert Petersen.

Signs of Damage

January 6, 2008 in Living in Recovery by Chris | 6 comments

Texaco SignsI am a head injury patient. I am. There is hardly another explanation. I sat in a meeting and shared about it and of course I was told to work the steps. Of course there is some truth in that, truth I sometimes ignore out of an objective bias against people who ‘work’ steps rather than ‘take’ them. One ‘takes’ steps on a journey. Just the same I did listen and there is truth in the idea that some of the symptoms of traumatic head injury are also the symptoms of pathological selfishness displayed by addicts and alcoholics.

I’m back at work at the Clown Palace and grateful to have a job after my dramatic exit a few weeks ago. I’m especially grateful because I really need the (pitiful) income to keep a roof over my head, food in the fridge and the liberty to remain as involved as I am in working (there’s that damn word) for my recovery. I had my schedule. I recalled that I was supposed to go to work on Wednesday at 6 or 8 o’clock. Knowing that with that schedule the only meeting I would be able to attend would be the noon, which I went to. At noon. When I was actually supposed to be at work. I didn’t even realize this until 4 o’clock when I checked to see if it was 6 or 8. Of course I went to the 5:30 and ran into my boss who blessedly told me not to worry about it. I made sure I was there on time the rest of the week. I have checked and I have verified that I work tomorrow at 2 o’clock. I think. Yes. 2 o’clock. Very well then.

In addition to not remembering times and schedules I have had particular trouble with numbers, adding and subtracting, and especially if that includes fractions. I’ve ruined, well damaged, really, three meals in the last two weeks by not being able to add fractions correctly. I know how to add fractions, for crying out loud. So lately I’ve been struggling with anything related to dealing with numbers.

Historically I’ve had more trouble with names, both proper and common. I never remember actors names, even the ones I like. I have names in my cell phone for people I don’t remember. I don’t recall ever having met a Susan in my life and yet her name is in my phone. I have often forgotten what “that stuff” with “those things” are really called. “What?” and “where?” are the kind of stupid questions I would ask more often if I had not learned to wait a beat and allow the understanding to percolate to the surface.

I was pleased to learn that this phenomena is scientifically documented by much smarter people than me. It is encouraging to learn that in two more years the healing that can take place likely will have taken place. And I believe it is taking place, in spite of the symptomology I’m experiencing. I believe it’s taking place because last night, for the first time in probably 5 years, I suddenly remembered the name of the man I lost my virginity to. (There’s another stupid word. ‘Lost’. I didn’t lose it. I threw it away. I turned my back on it and pretended I didn’t know what it was.)

I’m taking that as a sign from God. Now that I have a point of origin I can start my sex inventory.

Photo Credit: Texaco signs, originally uploaded by naterade81.

Fuzzy

January 5, 2008 in Living in Recovery by Chris | 4 comments

I am a creature of habit. I am not as flexible as I imagine myself to be. I am not unique. Sometimes I am able don a guise of pliancy convincing enough to fool everyone, including me, but it is made of denial and pride. Underneath that guise I find myself to be a post-traumatic adolescent in the corner of the room clinging to a threadbare security blanket, crying over the Mayberry childhood that never was.

Part of my disguise is the mien of clarity; the impression that I am willing and able to see things as they really are. I affect a willingness and ability to live life on life’s terms and acuity of God’s will in my life. In fact I still suffer from spiritual blurriness which only improves by applying myself to a spiritual program of change and doing so with those who have gone before me.

I mention this because my sponsor has moved away. I am not yet willing to seek out a new sponsor. There are good reasons to continue working with Jim. He will be here in Boise every six weeks or so (his daughter lives here). We both have unlimited long distance plans and email so it is not access to communication that is the problem. He has taken me successfully through the steps and continues to guide me through the long list of amends I have yet to make. Yet his physical absence has removed some of the spiritual focus that I depend on to live most comfortably in the world.

The power of my Creator trickles through every part of my life. I am able, by taking the steps and by helping others, to nurture that trickle. I am awash in the stream of life. But where I am able to connect with that stream of Life, working with Jim, seeing him on an almost daily basis, was like standing in front of a fire hose. I have faith that that clarity and power will return, that I will soon be back in front of the real power of the God of my own understanding. I have faith that if I continue to seek that I will soon be the one wielding the hose for those around me. I had an expert teacher for that. But I miss him. And I feel a little fuzzy.

Photo credit: BHF February Challenge – 08 Something Old, originally uploaded by TheNixer.

 

There’s a Light in the Darkness

January 3, 2008 in Living in Recovery by Chris | 6 comments

We should learn just to stick our hand out and whoever it touches that is alone, engage them, in whatever way is helpful. There is joy to be had, in that.
- Anonymous

gasIt’s not surprising that with the new year there are an unusual number of ‘newcomers’ in the rooms of AA and other programs that offer a spiritual solution to the problems of living. I got sober this time of year. I was in a meeting tonight that was packed with people new to the program and it set me thinking about when I came in.

When I got to AA, life was really not working out. I was at that ‘jumping off point’ that the book talks about. I needed something and I didn’t know what it was. I hoped that I could get it if I found a better shrink or more understanding of myself. I didn’t think I would find the answer to my intolerable situation in Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn’t want to find the answer in AA. I hated AA. I hated the people in AA. But, I had placed myself in a situation which required me to attend AA meetings.

A friend of mine who was there when I first walked in to that first meeting tells me that my eyes never left the floor. She says I bumped into a post. I don’t remember. I don’t remember much about those first meetings except that I hated being there and the people in those meetings kept saying ridiculuos shit like ‘the newcomer is the most important person in the room’ and ‘let us love you until you can love yourself’. At the time I thought it was the biggest bunch of shit I had ever heard. I heard people say those thing but I’d leave the meeting without anyone even saying hello to me.

I kept coming back partly because I had to, partly because it was the only place I felt safe and partly because it was the only place I heard people tell stories about how they recovered from the kind of pain I was in. Having been through it for just a little while now I can see that there were things I did which made the process harder. If you’re new to recovery I hope you’ll take these suggestions to heart and avoid some of the struggle I had coming in.

For example, the first word in let us love you until you can love yourself is ‘let’. We can’t do that when you bolt for the door the minute the meeting is over. We have no chance of getting to know you and getting to care about you if you won’t let us. Hang out after the meeting. If someone spoke and said something which you identified with, don’t wait for them to talk to you. Go introduce yourself to them. Let them know you’re new. Ask us for phone numbers and use them, even if you don’t have anything to say. We don’t want to be guilty of cramming this down your throat so you have to meet us in the middle. You have to reach out. That means more than simply showing up.

The same thing goes for you being the ‘most important person’ in the room. It is our express purpose to show you what we have done to get better. We can’t do that when you run out of the room at the end of a meeting. You have to be willing to let us in. You have to reach out a little. You will find, though, that when you reach out some extraordinary people will reach back with a message of hope.

We’re not perfect at delivering the message, though. We’re only human. Looking at my own efforts to reach out to those who are new I find that I often fall short of the mark. My motives are rarely pure. I have to really check my impulse to introduce myself to the young and handsome ones and make an effort to introduce myself to those who have clearly had a rougher time. I’m not always successful at restraining myself when I want to tell someone that they are, in so many words, an idiot. I am afraid that I still judge simple people rather harshly. I still have room to grow, to practice the principles more honestly and consistently and to reach out to new people. If you’re new to all this please keep that in mind. There is hope. There is a light in the darkness which will show you the way. There are people who will bend over backwards to help you stay sober. But unless you stick your hand out we may not know you’re there.

Photo credit: gas, originally uploaded by beauludget.

Extra Credit Karma

January 2, 2008 in Living in Recovery by Chris | 4 comments

“Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.”
- Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 77

Snow

I don’t mean to sound like I’m bragging here or to call too much attention to myself. This isn’t something I would say publicly or something I would say to garner any credit or praise from anyone who actually benefited from what I’ve done. Since I’m pretty sure this isn’t read by anyone on my block, or even anyone in my tiny little town for that matter, I’m OK with a little self recognition here.

It has not been above freezing for more that a few minutes in the last six days. That means that every bit of sidewalk that had not been shoveled after the last snowfall is now solid ice. But the 100 yards I shoveled on the two corner houses and my house are perfectly dry and safe. When I noticed that last nigh I was very pleased with myself. It was the absolute right thing of me to do. Sometimes I’m getting this unselfishness thing really right. Sometimes I even think, wow, I’m a pretty nice guy. Freaky!

Other friends have had the opportunity to be much more useful in recent days than I was on that snowy night, but the joy we share in small unselfish acts is exactly what recovery is about and the opportunity to be of service should never be missed.

Photo Credit: Snow, originally uploaded by 01101001 01100001 01101110.

 

You’ve decided you want what I have? Are you sure?

November 18, 2007 in Living in Recovery by Chris | 3 comments

Crawfords Texaco.jpgI went to Gooding recently to speak at the treatment center I went to, which in and of itself was really cool. Even cooler is the fact that out of that someone decided that they wanted me to show them how I’ve stayed sober. And even cooler than that, the coolest thing, something lots of people in recovery never get, is someone who wants me to show them how I got and am staying sober that is actually willing to do the work. I have friends with great sobriety, guys who work a great program, who have only had people unwilling to do the work ask to sponsor them. It must be pretty discouraging. Right out of the gate I have a kid who is apparently in enough pain and fear at 52 days clean that he’s been willing to do everything I’ve asked him to do, to do it on time or early, who calls because he has more work done and wants to get to the next thing.

I suddenly became clear last night that if I’m going to take this guy through steps 2 and 3 later tonight and give him instructions for step 4 I’d better get busy and get my sex inventory done. I had good reasons to crank out my fear and resentments and take them through 7 in light of the legal issue I have coming up. I didn’t want to be falling through the air on faith alone with that. It was important that I have conscious contact with God before I started making amends for that particular set of resentments. Having done that though, it’s time for me to proceed with the last part of the 4th step. I don’t want my sponsee to get ahead of me.

Another great thing about working with someone is having the opportunity to go back through the steps again with someone who is fresh, to be reminded of what it is to be on “the morning side of the mountain” as Donny Osmond might say. Reconnecting with that feeling, rather than just to proceed from where I am, with no point of reference but my own memory, is pretty powerful.

When I took that pile of wreckage and defects to God, when I sent up a flare from the scrap heap of humanity and asked Him to come get me and make something out of that mess, I didn’t expect that he’d make any sort of vessel out of me so quickly. When Jim said, “Now you have a message. Go carry it,” I didn’t think I’d be carrying it anywhere but at meeting level in the near term.

When I meet with this young man half an hour from now to take him through 2 and 3 and to give him instructions about step 4 I know that he won’t be able to see the person that I see sitting across the table. He won’t be able for some time to see the kind, decent and wonderful person that I see. Although I’ve told him already I doubt he realized yet that what we’re actually embarking on is a process of outfitting him to be of maximum usefulness to God and the people about him. I know that he doesn’t know what a blessing he is to me or how he’s changing my life. If he stays willing, perhaps one day soon he’ll be doing this same thing with someone else just coming in and even then he may not understand the gift he’s given me.

The Faith that Grows

September 14, 2007 in Living in Recovery by Chris | No comments

But sometimes, in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, the discussion of finding a relationship with a Higher Power that can support and sustain one in the certain low spots that lie ahead, is not only frowned upon, but actively discouraged. As AA has grown, more and more people pass into (and back out of) ‘the rooms’ who have not yet or, perhaps, will not reach the level of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization that is nearly always required for one to grasp on to the program with the desperation of a drowning man. It is hard for me not to fault certain members of AA who, having found some relief in simply not drinking (or using), have elected to forgo the work required by anyone who is truly an alcoholic or an addict. I have long observed and it has been my experience that one can gain a certain relief from the suffering that living an unexamined and purposeless life imparts simply by hanging around AA long enough and by accumulating a few days of abstinence. It is even possible gain merciful relief by propinquity, the filial calculus of entering a room filled with a brothers and sisters who have been pulled from the jaws of death virtually guarantees it. Even the founders were aware that what the program offers is something almost anyone can benefit from. In the forward to the first edition of the book they say as much.

When this type of ‘alcoholic/addict’ enters a 12 step meeting and shares ‘their’ program they deprive others who, like me, need THE program, of hearing the solution to the hopeless state of body and mind from which we ‘real’ alcoholics and addicts suffer. And like many of us who are relatively new to this, to doing the work and seeking God and working with others, I do not suffer fools gladly.

I have been absent from writing both my blog and my inventory lately because I have been angry with many of the members of (what I used to consider) my home group. I chaired a meeting there a couple of weeks ago. When one of the members there, someone with a couple of years clean, ’shared’ about his struggles with schizophrenia and sex addiction but never mentioned alcohol I ‘thanked’ him and let someone else have a chance to speak. I believe that it was my responsibility to the group to do that. It is none of my business if he went to his sponsor’s house later that night and cried about how mean I am. Making sure that the message of AA is delivered in an AA meeting is my responsibility. Seeking out and working with newcomers is my responsibility. If I am looking at the last drop in my cup it is my responsibility to be looking for a chance to help someone without a cup.

I was severely criticized for asking that guy to stop and moving on to the next person. Then I made the mistake of opening my mouth in that same meeting a week later and talked for seven minutes; a full two minutes over the customary five, compounding the criticism I endured after Sunday’s meeting.

The same way gay people in Boise, Idaho, don’t want to be politically involved (we’ve known Larry Craig is a big fat gay homosexual faggot for decades and never did anything about it) they also don’t want to know about or share the solution that is supposed to be available in their own AA meeting. Perhaps that’s why there are so few gay members of AA here. That’s not really true. There are plenty of gay AA members, just very few who go the the gay AA meeting here.

So that’s it. I dumped my home group. And I’m trying to get over being angry about how it happened; not something I, as an addict, am capable of doing or have any power over. But I believe that in recovery, as one seeks a relationship with their Creator, one’s faith grows. It grows into certainty. It grows into reliance. God willing I’ll learn to deliver that message more effectively and find the right place for me to share it.

Newer entries »

get userping