9th Step

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Using Protection

February 25, 2008 in Living in Recovery by Chris | No comments

This post was originally published Feb. 13, 2008 and was taken down pending adjudication of another case. Now that has been done and I am restoring the post.

Helmet“No more essential duty of government exists than the protection of the lives of its people. Fail in this, and we fail in everything.”
Francis T. Murphy

I am, as we say in this ‘neck of the woods,’ vehicular. That is to say that after many long months of walking/biking/busing my way around this oversized town that thinks it is a city, God (and my father) has seen fit to provide me with a motorized means of transportation. I’ve been thinking about blogging about it and perhaps registering the domain name mygayscootor.org. State government requires a special endorsement to drive one of these things and I got that endorsement yesterday before I picked up the bike. They also recommend a helmet, which I purchased, and struggle to wear based solely on grounds of style.

A few minutes from now I go to be sentenced in the second round (of three) of my probation violation sentencings. Of course, as you have all already observed, I have done the footwork. My spiritual protection is in place. The armies of love and support are at attention. I have enough integrity to play the role and play it humbly. But I’m not out of the woods, of course. It is, after all, government’s duty to protect the lives of it’s people; other people besides me. Which means of course that government may decide, as it has the power to, that the people need protection from me. They may yet decide to send me away. It is not very likely, I think, yet it is a possibility and therefor I have the tiniest bit of fear quivering inside me.

I try to keep in the front of my mind that God is with me whatever happens; that I have the spiritual protection of one who does step work, and that as long as I have placed my trust and reliance on God I have always been taken care of.

Nevertheless, an extra prayer couldn’t hurt.

73134528RJ029_NASCAR_Testin, originally uploaded by rodolfini45

Plays Well With Others

February 17, 2008 in Living in Recovery by Chris | 3 comments

“The essence of true friendship is to make allowances for another’s little lapses.”
David Storey

I ran into a friend at a meeting last night.  A friend who’s company I parted on not so friendly terms some months ago.  A friend about whom I have written much 4th step inventory.  While I have been diligent about much of ‘the work’, in the area of making (9th step) amends I have been a bit of a slacker.  I’ve probably spent as much time googling my victims trying to figure out which ones are dead as I have contacting those who are living.  The only area where I’ve shown anything like real courage is in the area of making amends to the State of Idaho.  So there I am at a meeting that almost didn’t happen due to lack of attendance, the usual crowd away at an AA dance (I can’t even think about dancing sober, but I digress) when Corinne walks in.  She sparkles.  She is irrepressible.  She is completely darling.  When we got along, we got along so well.   When we parted there was much hurt on both sides.

It took me some time and some effort to stop seeing myself as a victim of the situation; to see that I had a role, perhaps a significant role, in creating the situation.  Corinne and I have seen each other on a couple of occasions in the last seven months or so, but never really talked.  I stopped going to meetings that she went to.  I never mentioned her to mutual friends.  I just kind of erased her from my consciousness.  But there she was last night and that still, quiet voice told me that now was the time to clean up my side of the street.

After the meeting I got her attention, we sat down for a minute, I explained my understanding of what it was I had done that had harmed her and asked what I could do to make things right.  And then, as I have learned to do, I shut up.  I shut up and listened to the answer.  Her answer was this.  “I had a huge part in it, too, honey,” and she threw open her arms and hugged me.

See?  Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?

Texaco, originally uploaded by Dr. Pudd LeBoy.

 

Easy never did it.

December 5, 2007 in Living in Recovery by Chris | 8 comments

 

“Easy doesn’t do it. Easy never did it. Nothing worth doing has ever been easy.”
- Unknown

larrymonroe.jpg

That’s one of the mottoes I (pretend to) live by.

There are others, of course, important ones. The more important they are the harder they are to live up to. For example, “Remember who you are and what you stand for.” Like lots of addicts and alcoholics, I have sometimes interpreted that as, “Don’t you know who I am?” I don’t have a perfect track record at that. I’ve been much better at “perfect adherence” to the Great Commandment in my family of origin, “Don’t drink your bathwater.” It’s nice to be able to do something perfectly.

It has been my experience that the great disciplinarians of recovery are tremendous love and tremendous pain. I’ve rarely had any significant growth as a result of love, though. Love kept me in recovery, kept me in the fellowship of other people on the path. It still keeps me in. Tremendous love does help me endure the pain, but there are aspects of my life right now that are so difficult, so frightening and so painful, that I find myself wishing for an easy escape, an easy button, a ‘Take a Ride on the Reading’ card.

I was at a meeting Sunday with a dear friend when she received a phone call from the police that her daughter was in the hospital and had tried to apply that kind of exit strategy. At 15 she decided that washing down a bottle of Vicodin with vodka was the easy way out. Like I said, nothing worth doing has ever been easy.

Great love might keep me in recovery, but great pain drove me to recovery and drove me to doing the work. Pain made me ask for help. Pain made me willing. With hardly an exception, the result of trying something and failing is painful and since I hardly know how to do anything I’m always trying new things. It seems clear to me, though, that God wants me to try. God will allow me to fail. In recovery I get to try all kinds of things and fail. It is how I learn. I rarely learn much from what I do right the first time. Still, I seldom know what or how to do something until I try.

In the ‘Serenity Prayer’ we ask for acceptance, courage and wisdom. Acceptance may be the key to all my problems today, but it is impossible for me to know what I have to accept until I try. And fail. Courage is what is required as I walk day by day through the wreckage of my past and the obstacles of my present. I need to try to change everything that isn’t supporting my happiness and usefulness but I need to try humbly.

I have come to believe that ‘the wisdom to know the difference’ is simply a product of failure and humility as destruction is the product of failure and pride.

Nothing worth doing has ever been easy.

 

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