My friend Robert’s sponsor told him early on that he can say anything he wants to in a meeting, anything at all, so long as it’s honest.
I guess my pride is intact on some level or something because I don’t do that, at least not at meeting level. I share honestly, mind you. I just don’t share “anything”. I save the anything for you poor guys. I’m more comfortable spilling my “anything” here, where I know you show up because you want to, and not because you have to. I also know that with a wider audience I have a greater chance of reaching someone who gets it.
So here’s today’s “anything”; the kind that I cannot bring myself to share in a meeting around here-the kind they’d probably lynch me for here in the northwestern corner of Jesusland. Read the rest of this entry »
“Patience is the companion of wisdom.â€
-Saint Augustine
This is the other photo I purchased, taken in 1998 in Florence. I love it and think of it as symbolic of my HP. He serenely observes the clown and the child learning under his watchful eye. He allows them free will. He is there when, or if, they come to him. It has been my experience that He is always waiting patiently for me to seek Him.
Part of seeking, of course, the way we do it in recovery, is sharing our stories and I have been asked by other hearts to share part of mine. Rod and Bobbie both had questions and I am grateful to finally able to answer them.
1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.
1. What was I doing 10 years ago.
Trying to get sober. I was on my 2nd of 5 years of probation for grand theft, having stolen something like $3000 from a family member. Some of it covered my bail when I was arrested for drunk driving. The rest of it I drank. I worked for Adecco/TAD Technical services testing printers at Hewlett-Packard.
2. What are 5 things on my ‘to do’ list today?
Spend some quality time with a sponsee.
Take a hike up Hull’s Gulch
Buy groceries.
Call my counselor at Vocational Rehabilitation
Go to a meeting.
3. Snacks I enjoy.
I’m not much of a snacker – but I do love a little pear/walnut/blue cheese on a cracker or a good fig tepenade.
4. Things I would do if I were a billionaire.
a. Expatriate
b. To Italy
c. Where I’d buy a rape and sunflower (seed oil) farm and
d. put in a swimming pool which I’d then fill with
e. Italian boys and
f. David Archuleta
and I would
g. help some young men who, like me, were thrown away by their families, forced into a world they were not prepared for, deprived of an education, deprived of love and guidance, and deprived of the future they had counted on all their lives. because of their sexual orientation. (I have no idea how exactly I’ll accomplish this – it may be a scholarship fund or it may be a more personal project.)
h. Build a theater arts colony – provide space, resources, a stipend, etc. for young talent. \
5. Five bad habits.
Interrupting.
Judging.
Staying up past my bedtime.
Becoming immobilized by fear.
Falling in love with whatever is exactly wrong for me.
6. 5 places I have lived.
Idaho Falls, Idaho
Logan, Utah
Kolstorp, Sweden
San Pedro, California
7. 5 jobs I’ve had.
Cleaned guns at a pawn shop after school.
Window dresser for a women’s clothing store.
Answering service PBX operator
Screen extra/stand-in on Knot’s Landing
Florist.
and finally
8. Five people I’d like to know better, but whom, out of respect and understanding have absolutely NO expectation whatsoever that they will participate, let alone perpetrate the meme retro-virus/cancer. To paraphrase the book, cessation of meeming is but a step away from a highly strained and abnormal way of blogging.
Tag. I’m it. I’m going to say that this is out of regard for Erin over at What Winners Do but this time the meme is all about me though so, I’ll play along.
The Rules:
Post 5 links to 5 of your previously written posts. The posts have to relate to the 5 key words : family, friend, yourself, your love, anything you like.
Tag 5 other friends to do this meme. Try to tag at least 2 new acquaintances so that you get to know them each a little bit better.
So, without further kvetching, let’s get this over with quickly. Just leave the money on the dresser on your way out.
Yield and overcome; bend and be straight; empty and be full; wear out and be new; have little and gain; have much and be confused. Therefore wise men embrace the one and set an example to all. Not putting on a display, they shine forth. Not justifying themselves, they are distinguished. Not boasting, they receive recognition. Not bragging, they never falter. They do not quarrel so no one quarrels with them. Therefore the ancients say, “Yield and overcome.†Is that an empty saying? Be really whole and all things will come to you. (verse 22. tr. Gia Fu Feng)
Clearly (clearly) there remains much for me to overcome and much for me to yield to; much to harmonize my personal will with the natural harmony and justice of Nature, what I refer to as God. ‘The World is ruled by letting things take their natural course. It cannot be ruled by going against nature or arrogance.’ (Tao Te Ching; Verse 48).
As an alcoholic and addict, even in recovery, I find myself forever in opposition the the natural order of things. I am “almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though [my] motives [are] good.” I have the delusion that [I] can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if [I] only manage well.” “[E]ven in [my] best moments (I am) a producer of confusion rather than harmony.”
Not all of the character defects of a lifetime of addiction are gone yet, but I “have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. To show other alcoholics (and addicts, especially crystal meth addicts) precisely how [I] have recovered is the main purpose of this [blog].” I share my experience, strength and hope with readers here to aid me in the path of my own recovery and hopefully to help other addicts find or improve theirs. It is plain to anyone who read me one year ago today that I am hardly recognizable as the same person. That change came about by taking simple steps, which embody simple, specific, spiritual principles. I took those steps in specific order. I learned to practice those principles in sequence. I do it in the loving guidance of someone who did exactly the same thing before me as he was taught by someone before him.
In the process many of my major character defects have lessened if not been removed entirely, just as the obsession to get loaded was removed. “There is a long period of reconstruction ahead.” I was struck sober, not perfect. I still suffer from a compulsion to be ‘right’. I still become hopeless. I still fear change. I still seek recognition and fear discovery. I am still judgmental, unkind, faithless; just not as much today. I lack perfect ability to at all times put into practice the principles I have been taught. But when these things do crop up I have tools to handle them.
The path I follow, the Tao of the Texaco if you will, are the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and the principles (or virtues, as they are sometimes called) they teach. There are various interpretations of the steps and lists of their underlying principles. The one I use is the one that was taught to me by my sponsor, who’s sponsor taught him, and so on, all the way back to someone I personally know who has been sober 37 years and who received it from someone before him. Corresponding with each step, those principles are:
Honesty
Hope
Faith
Courage
Integrity
Willingness
Humility
Brotherly Love
Justice
Perseverance
Spirituality
Service
And I don’t know about any other serious addict but the thing that set me on this path, most honest thing I ever told my self and could no longer deny was, “I’m fucked.”
My friend Robert’s sponsor told him early on that he can say anything he wants to in a meeting, anything at all, so long as it’s honest.
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