Accountability

I suppose I could place some of the blame on the fact that I hadn’t had any nicotine.  This is day 18 without cigarettes.  At 3PM I still hadn’t had a lozenge.  It was not model behavior either, but nothing else was breaking in.  So when the dog crap had sat on the dining room floor since at least 7:30AM, when I got up, and the dog owner had made no attempt to remedy the problem, I grabbed a paper towel and threw the shit in his bedroom at him.

He silently got up and cleaned the crap up and retired to his room. (Time for a lozenge, I thought.  Clearly I’m not my charming self.)

I also had my monthly visit with my probation officer today.  I knew she had stopped by the house while I was at the vet last Sunday because Joe told me.  What he told me was that she had asked him if he was on drugs.  So when I went to visit Officer. J. B. today the first thing she said to me was, “So, I met your roommate.”  This woman has the authority to place me in jail for as long as a year without even taking me in front of a judge.  There is no way I am going to lie to or withhold information from her, particularly to save someone else’s skin.   After I told her exactly what has been going on, she asked me why I hadn’t called Joe’s probation officer.  I don’t really have a good answer for that, except that I had hoped that Joe would do the right thing and handle it himself.  I told her that keeping my street clean meant for sure telling her what is going on in my house.  What she chooses to do with that is not my responsibility.  I am accountable to her.

She said she was accountable, too, and that the law requires her to call Joe’s probation officer, which she did, while I was still sitting there.

She was very clear with me about what kind of people could be at my house and what kind of behavior she expects from me.  She was very clear about what kind of environment I am to be in, whether it is in my control or not.   I am not willing to go to jail because someone else won’t behave the way he agreed to behave and I will not live with dog shit on the floor because someone else won’t behave the way he agreed to behave.

I feel stupid for having moved.  And really, how arrogant am I to think that being around me could be a good influence on anyone?

Of course after I threw the dog shit I called my sponsor and had quite a chat.  I started by telling him what I’d done.  (He replied, “Good.”)  And after the probation office visit I called, as he suggested I do, and told him what was up.

It’s clear I’ve been an asshole, but I don’t believe, and my sponsor doesn’t believe, I’ve harmed anyone.  Rather I’m the one being harmed, and I placed myself in this position.

It’s time to figure out how to place myself out of it.