Say it ain’t so, Joe.

My friend Robert’s sponsor told him early on that he can say anything he wants to in a meeting, anything at all, so long as it’s honest.

I guess my pride is intact on some level or something because I don’t do that, at least not at meeting level. I share honestly, mind you. I just don’t share “anything”. I save the anything for you poor guys. I’m more comfortable spilling my “anything” here, where I know you show up because you want to, and not because you have to. I also know that with a wider audience I have a greater chance of reaching someone who gets it.

So here’s today’s “anything”; the kind that I cannot bring myself to share in a meeting around here-the kind they’d probably lynch me for here in the northwestern corner of Jesusland.

When Sarah Palin talks about “Joe Sixpack” I feel unamerican for not drinking beer. In spite of that fact that my personal politics are solidly democratic socialist in the Swedish tradition, I still want to be proud to be an American. I want to feel like I’m a part of our nation. I don’t, but I want to. And when a candidate for such high office uses terms like “Joe Sixpack” to describe the center of the electorate it makes me feel like an alien.

If I drank a sixpack a day I’d fit in better. I’d probably be more successful. A sixpack a day would turn me from a radical faggot political liability into a real American. And America is for real Americans. Not for those who would have the judicial branch actually interperate the law instead of bending it to the will of the masses like God intended. America isn’t for those who mistakenly believe that the office of vice-president is part of the executive branch and not the legislative branch. A sixpack a day might help me to see how important it is that our government needs to just step aside and let corporations do whatever they want, to not be accountable to anyone, to not pay taxes at all if at all possible. It might help me to see that the real role of government is to spy in the people and not tell them.  A sixpack might help me feel like it’s good to get mad at the banks for selling me loans that I can’t afford, because they should be regulating themselves and taking care of me. My government needs to make sure they take away all regulations so that banks and mortgage companies, and just any ol’ corporation can regulate themselves. Government is just there to help out if they screw up and do anything that might cause some real problems.

A simple sixpack of Old Milwaukee would hlep me to see the truth and make me a part of our great nation.  A sixpack of Budweiser would keep our economic engine humming. A sixpack of Buckhorn would make me a real man.

Being a real American would tast so good. It would feel so good. A sixpack is the sacrament that separates the true believers from the terrorists and the liberals who want to destroy marriage and kill babies.

I virtually never think about drinkiing. I don’t even really like drinikinig. I’m a crystal meth addict. I identify as an alcoholic and I attend AA meetings, but I really don’t like alcohol. But for some reason when that woman talks about Joe Sixpack I really wish I could drink.