Everything. All At Once.

It’s easy to forget how things were three years ago.  It’s easy to forget how things were as I was first getting sober.  I’m lucky that I have a pretty raw written record of the experience.  It helps sometimes to go back and look at it, especially when it feels like things are changing.  And things are changing.  Everything.  All at once.

Rereading my early entries it is almost painful to remember the fears I struggled with.  Fears like wondering how I was going to make a living, the desperate loneliness I felt, the feelings of inadequacy and shame that plagued me constantly.  At the same time, I can see that in spite of all of that I had some glimmer of hope and a little bit of courage to move forward.  I had an eagerness to grow.

Now I don’t struggle with wondering how I’m going to make a living.  Tomorrow my partners and I are buying the company I work for, which right off the top will give me health insurance, a 401K and a very modest raise.  It also gives me a large stake in the future of the company.  If I manage it well I anticipate my share of the profits will equal three times my salary.  I’ll pay off all that medical debt from my surgery.  Pay off my student loan.  Sock money away in savings and make some financial amends.  My economic security picture has flipped, or is flipping 180 degrees.

The loneliness thing has changed substantially, too.  There are friends, of course.  There have been friends from almost the day I got sober and the relationships I have with people now are wonderful.  But it appears that I have also attracted myself a boyfriend.  A gorgeous, ambitious, successful, intelligent, sober boyfriend.

Its almost too much to take in.  But I’m liking it.  I’m liking it very much.