It’s funny, the ideas that people get about the relationship between loving others and loving themselves. The conventional wisdom is that learning to love oneself is essential to loving others. Yet 12 step programs insist that we must place others ahead of ourselves in order to recover.
I was at a meeting the other night where this was brought up as a topic. The person that brought it up insisted that before he can experience recovery that he needs to love himself more. “I just do whatever I want to do. If I see something I want I just buy it for myself. I always did everything for everyone. If my wife wanted something I got it for her, so I just do the same thing for me. I do what I want.â€
Being flawed in the way I am, I immediately judged him. Rather harshly. I never did anything for anyone without expectation. And as hard as I work at my own recovery and as much as I work with others to show them what was shown to me, I can hardly separate my own wants and expectations from the fact that I am invested in the process, which makes watching someone I sponsor refuse to follow directions or relapse incredibly painful. Every time that happens I have to remind myself that when I work with another addict I am really working for my own recovery. Their recovery is between them and their Higher Power.
The ensuing conversation got me thinking though. the experiences that were shared by other people in the room who’s recovery I admire got me thinking about the relationship between seeking a relationship with my Higher Power, loving others, being of service and sacrificing my time and energy for them, and learning to love myself.
One of the things I always do when working with others it to pray for guidance and direction. When I share in a meeting I always pray for inspiration. When I am sitting in judgment of those around me I ask my Higher Power to help me see them the way I should see them, through eyes of love.
I would readily help anyone clean their own house. Why not exercise the same willingness to clean my own, rather that running out of the house as fast as my little legs will carry me, driven by fear of being alone? Shouldn’t I set aside time to help myself do those thing I am afraid I cannot do? And when I need help with these things, why shouldn’t I ask for help, rather than allowing my pride to build a barrier between me and my friends that keeps the facade shiny.
If I am willing to ask for help from my Higher Power to see others with love, and if I am willing to give of myself to be a vessel of grace and love in their lives, why should I not ask my Higher Power to help me carry the same love into my life. Why shouldn’t I ask to be shown how, not to love myself in the way that lets me run on self propulsion and will, but to love myself in the way that my Creator would have me love anyone? Could it be that I can rely on inspiration and intuitive thought to love myself and care for myself the same way I would love anyone else. Could it be that part of loving my Creator includes caring for myself the way that my Creator intends for me to be cared for.
That is not to say that I should run out and buy anything I want, but that I should get my laundry done; not that I should take myself out for dinner every night, but that once in awhile I should cook myself a decent meal. While I may judge others, I judge myself more harshly, and could it be that my Higher Power would have me give myself a break, breathe in, breathe out, and do for myself what I would do for anyone else.
Tags: Service, Willingness
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Talk about judging ones self, jeez, that’s all I do lately. Can’t everyone see what a fuck up I am? I pray that I am able to see myself for what I truely am one day soon. A loving mother, a trustworthy friend and a beautiful woman….
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Basically, you are talking about seeing oneself as just as much a child of God as anyone else. Not more deserving, but certainly not less deserving than anyone else of all manner of joy and affection. Diminishing ourselves, thinking others somehow more worthy than we are, is really dissing God’s work.
I know one of the ways this operates in my life is when I consider working on a script honoring the talent God gave me with words. It’s an entirely different dynamic when I was trying to wring a result out of it that would “make me happy” or rich or validated. That’s would be great, but it’s no longer the motivation. The joy of the creative process is the cake, the rest just potential icing.
We don’t have to learn to love ourselves as much to get out of the way of the love that’s there. We block it, constantly, making a decision we are unworthy of it because we’re replaying some long ago tape.
Anyway, the answer to your question is no reason at all Just don’t confuse self-love with treating yourself to things when you can’t afford them. That’s just rationalization. -
Wow. You are talking to the part of me that hurts the most. As much as I do for and give to others, I don’t do those things for myself. I can tell when the subject hits the mark, because I involuntarily begin to cry.
Your response to Marc’s comment turns back and hits the spot again. It’s like you are talking inside my head, but being more rational than I am. I will gladly go to your house and wash your dishes. I would be honored to do that for you. But I have a kitchen full of dirty dishes myself. Why can I not take care of that? Or my laundry. (Oh, let’s not go there right now.) Or the shitload of junk I have cluttering up every corner, every horizontal surface in my house? This junk is a representation of how fucked up my head is.
Where does this shit come from? It reverberates in my head. It is firmly established as the voice of reason. It needs to be deposed, dammit. Why am I so scared to depose it? I’m being eaten alive by my self-loathing. Shit.
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