Reunion

It’s been almost 2 years since we were all together.  Grandma’s funeral doesn’t count, but 2 years ago my entire clan got together for a reunion (you can read about here) and we’ll be together again in a couple of days.  For the first time in decades I’ll actually get to SEE my father on Father’s Day.

The place we’re going to is right next to (what my sponsor says is) a great rehab, the Cirque Lodge. Considering my current state I’m not sure that my time wouldn’t be better spent there.  I’m sober.  I haven’t relapsed.  But the people that I’ve talked to assure me that it’s okay that I feel fucked up in the head considering what I’ve been through and the medication that was required.  I’m long off the opiates but my brain still isn’t working right.

Then there is the whole God issue. I went on a “mission” to Barnes & Noble and picked up a copy of “Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be” and I think I’m gaining a little bit of peace with the whole “why me?” mind-fuck I’ve been trapped in.  Healing physically certainly is helping, too, and even there I’m FAR from back to normal.

My ribs feel squishy.  They ache.  I get shooting pains and flames in my incisions.  Breathing is still hard; deep breaths. I can’t even describe what that’s like, to take in a deep breath and have half my body feel normal and the other half feel like it’s a different size on the inside.

Maybe being reunited with my father will prompt a little more shift in being reunited with my sense of conscious contact with my HP.  Maybe the scenery will help. Maybe the suggestions in Lama Surya Das’s book will help me let the flame back in.  Maybe I’ll return to my spiritual roots and become an active Mormon again.  I doubt it, but it could happen.

All I know is that as long as I stay sober there is hope that things will get better.  For right now that’s good enough.