I hear people in meetings all the time say how they do a written 10th step every night. Honestly, I cannot imagine doing that. It’s hard enough to find time to do everything else that needs to be done. But, written or not, I do regularly look back on my day, or my recent past, and look at my motives, and when I am able to, I try to make it right.
The thing is, now that I’ve been sober awhile, it is no longer the really obvious selfish choices that harm others that trip me up; it is the small, ambiguous details.
If I’m dating someone, or thinking of dating someone, when do I tell them about this blog? Or do I tell them at all? I can hardly keep some of the details of my past from them, but is it better to hold back on it or to up front with it. And what if I suspect that I might actually like someone, and become afraid that my history will scare him away. If I direct him to my story here then, am I not actually depriving him of the opportunity to get to know me, and then decide on his own what he wants to know? Isn’t that a decision based on fear?
I did that recently. I tried to scare someone off before he had the chance to decide for himself whether he wanted to be scared off or not. I did it because I was afraid. If I was going to be hurt I wanted it to be now instead of later, when it would hurt more.
If a person is curious it isn’t too hard to do a Google search, or go to a library and look in the card catalog for that matter. There is more than one person with my name in the world, but even so, 8 of the first 10 Google results are me. If a person wants to know they can. The only reason for me to direct someone here is either for attention (which I wouldn’t rule out – some of my old stuff is pretty good) or I want to manipulate them into seeing me a particular way.
It’s a very fine line though, isn’t it? Discerning our motives can be so subtle, and so easy to justify or deny.
Tags: 10th Step, Anonymity, Fear, Perserverance
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The past mistakes that we did are in some way a learning experience so that we can improve ourselves in the future. We can’t base ourself now from the wrong things that we’ve done from the past alone, but whether if we learned from it or not. The best thing we can do now is move on and do right things that matters.
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I don’t tell others about my blog. My tenth step is to promptly admit when I am wrong. It isn’t up to me to do a fifth step with everyone I care about. So there are things that my wife doesn’t know. I have done my fifth step with my sponsor. And I have made amends to my wife with Steps 9 and 10. That seems okay with me.
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I think what you write here, what anyone writes on their bog, is one dimensional and without context. That’s not to say it isn’t an interesting read but I see it as a very good outlet for you and not such a good inlet for anyone else. One would have to experience you in all the contexts of your existence to truly get to know you. If they relied solely on the blog it would be a rather narrow view no matter if you directed them there or they found it on their own. As the Buddha might say were he still amongst us, “You are not your blog.” At worst it might weed out the unworthy and at best pique the interest of the bravehearted.
This from one who knows you primarily through your blog.
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i just recently started doing a 10th step as part of my morning meditation. i reviewed the prior day, made a list of what i’d like to improve upon, and so far, it worked out swell.
(and yes, today was day one
i need your email address bc i am writing on a private blog and would relish your input. let me know if you’re interested.
thanks, dear one <3
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Chris, this is a great blog, it’s part of who you are and were. OF COURSE you would share it with friends and boyfriends. It’s a matter of timing, however, because you don’t want to be hassled later on, right? Love you.
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