It’ll be just like starting over.

Nobody told me that, and honestly, I’m not sure I would have been able to hear them if they did, but man-o-man it is an important thing to realize.  That’s  my experience anyway.

You see, this isn’t my first rodeo.  I had over 2 years sobriety on another occasion and I suffered a major illness.  I had meningitis.  I spent several days in the hospital on serious painkillers.  I went home with more of them, and when they weren’t really cutting it for me anymore I reached out for the chemical that was always my first love – crystal meth.  I persued that relapse for another 4 years.

This time the pain has been much worse.  The surgery I had was pretty invasive.  It’s been 21 days already and I still can’t drive or lift anything.  One more week they tell me.  And this time coming down from the painkillers was much worse.  I was not prepared in any way for what was going to follow; the feelings of wothlessness, hopelessness, loneliness, and helplessness.

Somehow in this experience I remembered that everything I was feeling was what I was feeling at the very begining of my sobriety.

Never mind the physical pain, that’s how emotionally painful this has been; exactly like the very beginning of my recovery.

This time, except for the fact that I’ve been grounded and couldn’t go out looking for help, I did the same things I did when I first got sober.  I called people and asked for help.  I have made a ton of friends in 12 step recovery, and a very special handful of those people have kept my phone turned on, kept food in my fridge, helped me with laundry, come over to be with me as I relearn to master skills like walking around the block.  I’ve been lucky enough to have a dozen people show up at my house to bring me a meeting because they knew I couldn’t get out to or sit through one.

Little by little and day by day I’ve been getting better and stronger.  Little by little the pain is going away.  But in great and wonderful ways I have regained hope that when I remain willing to do what must be done to recover, that I will continue to recover.  When I am willing to be honest with the people that love me about what is going on with me and humble enough to receive their help, things get better, and they get better fast.

I wish I had known, as I was checking in to the hospital, what the emotional price was going to be.  I wish I had known that it would be just like starting over.  I don’t know.  Maybe someone has said it in a meeting before and I just didn’t hear it or get it.  So that’s what I wanted to share: life can be really hard and there are things that come down the pike that are going to make you feel like you felt right before or right after you got sober.  What has really helped me was remembering the things that I did back then and DOING THAT.  Asking for help and recieving help and talking about my fears and my hopelessness and listening to other people share how grateful they have been for my help in the past and how happy they are to be able to help me has returned me to a state of faith and hope.