When I chose my current sponsor one of the things that attracted me was that even with 36-odd years sober, he was still able to share the truth at meeting level, particularly when things are difficult for him. You’ll hear him at a meeting sharing some tale of woe and how he has faith that it will be resolved and two days later he’ll hardly have a memory of it; the problem will have been solved, usually by itself, and he will be right as rain.
I, on the other hand, have been mute in meetings and mute (or relatively mute) here, for some time. I haven’t wanted to contradict what I’ve shared here for nearly the last 3 years. I haven’t wanted to stray too far from the party line at meeting level – remember we have a solution on which we can “absolutely agree” and join in brotherly and harmonious action.
Blah, blah, blah. Whatever.
Remember also that we “cannot fail” if we are earnestly seeking this “God” or “Creator” or whichever of the other names it is called in the book. It promises that it is a “loving” power, but it also says it can be anything I choose, so long as it makes sense to me,
And there is the problem. Loving doesn’t make sense to me. Conscious doesn’t make sense to me.
It used to. Before my surgery it did.
Now I’m just pissed of that I never had a Mojito before I stopped drinking and using. Or Kettle One vodka.
I really get it, on a deep level, that my brain tells me this stuff; stuff like “oh, you can have a drink” or “hey! we haven’t gotten high in a long time. doesn’t that sound like fun?” I know my brain tells me these things and I know brom experience that it is always – under all circumstances – bad information. They are ideas that are not to be acted on.
But I feel like a fraud for even having thoughts like that and I feel like a fraud for not believing in a conscious higher power and I wish it would just stop, just for awhile. Five months of this is long enough.
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I have a suggestion for you. Go to http://www.unhooked.com and check out LifeRing Secular Recovery. I think you might find a lot of answers there if you get in contact with some LSR people – and perhaps even go to an LSR meeting if there’s one near you.
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where in the big book does it say that it is necessary to believe in a ‘conscious’ higher power? i haven’t found any statement to that effect..
besides, whats wrong with gravity? Jump in the air and see how long you ca stay there. see? Theres a higher power. plus i cant see anything ‘judgmental’ about gravity! Can you? well then! job done!
Nor does it say ‘understand the concept of love in its entirety’, the framework of ‘loving’ in reference to the definition of a higher power in tradition 2 acts as a guideline only. YOU ARE NOT REQUIRED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT LOVING MEANS. You are simply asked to confine your CONCEPTS of higher powers to loving powers only. as opposed to judgmental powers. often found in religious doctrine.
if you plan on staying sober you are going to have to rely upon this higher power and not confuse yourself by adding unwritten requirements into the program. your will power will fail you eventually, so without help from a power greater than yourself, it is only a matter of time till the wheels come off..
as for those drinking thoughts. well thats just ‘poor me, poor me, pour me a drink’. ie self pity giving rise to a resentment toward your circumstances.
this too shall pass. just keep on keepin on.. rome wasnt built in a day..
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I have been beating myself senseless over the fact that unless I embrace a higher power that I am doomed to a life of relapse. It has caused me great pain and it has consumed my thoughts with using.
The fact that I do not believe in a higher power has cost me a sponsor and support from fellow addicts in recovery. There are people that fiercely believe that unless I put my recovery and trust into the hands of a higher power, that I will fail. Sometimes I feel like they are hoping I will.
I got tired of fighting this battle. So I stopped. And boy have I felt a lot better about myself and about my recovery. Yes, gravity and the weather and a big group of people all have more power than I do. But not one of them can keep me sober. Nor can they make me use. That is all up to me- and for me this revelation has been groundbreaking. I never have to use again and I am the one who gets to decide. Not some mystical force that does not exist- in my beliefs. If it works for other people- awesome for you! We should all do whatever we need to in order to stay clean- but don’t diminish me OR my recovery because I do not share your beliefs.
Because of this, there is only one meeting where I truly feel comfortable. It takes place every Friday night at a county funded recovery house and 90% of the attendees are residents who are in their first 30 days. It is raw and real. I get a stark reminder of what active addiction is and how desperately people want to get away from it. For me, that is power.
So contrary to the party line, self will CAN keep me sober. It can also make me use. It’s up to me. I choose not to use. I hope that does not disappoint anyone, and Chris I sure hope you don’t think less of me. I value your opinion and treasure your support. Even if you do think that skank David Gregory is hot.
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I started reading this somewhat random manga series called xxxHolic (I’ve never read manga before), and the way it describes the spiritual solution of “quitting bad habits” (I’m not sure if addiction has a Japanese translation?) is discussed in terms of the traditional Japanese spirit world, which is sort of awesome.
However, the point of what I have read so far is that I either make a decision to quit, or I don’t, and I follow whatever actions are necessary to complete that decision, or I have made a different decision.
My idea of “God” is so completely random that most people in the program would probably not even recognize it as a higher power. But it is enough for me to get through meetings and steps and my own whack version of prayer. I’m choosing to be a joiner and believe in my higher power today because I don’t want to die, or be that person who wanted to die.
For me it’s just easier than fighting. I tend to lose.
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Lisa Bylsma here. You can look me up on Facebook if you like. Last time we spoke, you asked if I’d go up to visit you in Idaho and I said no. I’ve always wished I’d had more character than that. Anyway, Hi.
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Chris, I’m not an alcoholic but was affected by alcoholism. I have come to believe that there is a power greater than me…that I don’t have all the answers. And that has brought a lot of comfort. I realize that so many of the things that I tried to control were uncontrollable. I am relieved to let go of what others do and work on what I do to stay in recovery.
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I read a blog you’d written a few years ago and knew by the quality of the language it was probably you. Then I scanned down through and picked up a few more details and I was, “Yup, that’s him.” Well, memories haunt me (laughing and wincing). Good reading you. Got the FB friend request. Thanks.
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