Day One

It’s the first day of recovery, again, for my first sponsee, Joe, who had the courage this morning, to admit that he relapsed.  Perhaps it wasn’t courage really so much as the absense of an adequate denial.  And perhaps it’s not the first day of a new recovery.  Okay.  Let me just be honest.  He’s acknowledged his relapse but I don’t believe he has taken any steps toward or is even interested in recovering.

It is a “day one” for me though.  I smoked my last cigarette 26 hours ago.  I am using a nicotine replacement product so the cravings are somewhat under control.  It’s not the same as smoking, but the edge is less sharp.  A good written first step on smoking seems like a good idea.  The first obvious, and really irritating symptom of unmanagability I’m dealing with at the moment is the smell.  I smoke in my house.  I attend AA meetings where smoking is permitted.  At one day off cigarettes I am acutely aware of the smell that permeates everything I own.  It disgusts me yet strangely it makes me want to smoke.

I know that smoking will kill me, and yet I smoke.  I think that fits the kind of definition of insanity that the program talks about.  And I have come to believe that a power greater than myself can solve all of my problems.  My experience has been that when I made a decision to stop using crystal meth, I found the strength and support I needed to do it, and I believe that If I make the same decision with cigarettes, I’ll have the same experience.

But it is day one.  I am edgy.  It will pass.  I’ll feel healthier.  The smell will wash out.  The craving will be removed.  I’ll be restored to sanity.  And God, in His infinite grace, will bless me with a little more happiness, joy, and freedom.