There. I typed it out loud. I am heartbroken and I am ashamed. I owe my dealer $735 payable within 5 days and I have no idea how I’m going to do that. The semester starts in 2 days and I’m in the throes of detoxing. And the whole 2 month bender might not have lasted so long if only I hadn’t bumped into the Imaginary Future Ex-Husband. He doesn’t even live here, for Christ’s sake. He lives in Baltimore. How was it that I had to run into him, selling me drugs. And the next two months were spent with him charming and conning me and depriving me of the use of $1750 – along with the theft, though he swears he never took anything, of a stereo, a Blu-Ray player, tools, a camera . . .
I am an idiot.
I don’t miss AA, not at all, but I miss my friends. I miss my life, imperfect as it was. I miss feeling ok. I know now that there is a limit to the stress that I can handle, and I know now that I am not willing to continue living the celibate life I had before. At some point I’m going to have to get tested though. I had a lot of unsafe sex over the last 8 weeks. I behaved very badly. Right now I’m just too afraid.