Tonight I’m going to my first Debtors Anonymous meeting. There is only one DA meeting. There is only one of them a week here in Boise. I checked out the DA website this morning and it is really directed at people with incredible credit card debt. I don’t have debt like that, though I have tens of thousands of dollars of medical debt. In terms of spending, though, it seems like I’ve earned a seat there.
I had a sponsee call this morning who I got to confront about lying to me about using. I’ve been pretty irritated about that. I don’t know how you can offer the solution to someone who can’t be honest about the problem.
Welcome to another day in paradise, right?
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Clearly 12 step programs work for you and get you where you want to be. I would never want to contradict you on that. However, I am uncomfortable in general with the phrase ‘compulsive spender’ for someone with medical debt. I hope you don’t mind my saying that.
I also wanted to suggest that you try the perspective that your sponsee is failing himself and not you. Perhaps that would help dissipate the anger. I can’t say for sure how I would react myself if someone lied to me. In the past I have always been crushed and subsequently livid with anger when that happened. But I would like to think now that I eventually would get to a place of peaceful acceptance. That’s pretty much my goal for everything these days… even the good parts.
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WS’s comment reveals a common misconception. DA isn’t about how much you spend or owe anymore than AA is about how much you drank. It about one’s relationship with a substance or a behavior that causes unmanageability. If you use money to get away from yourself, to treat depression, to medicate, to live outside of reality, than D.A. is likely to resonate.
In the end, of course, the steps are the solution no matter what the behavior or substance. But in the beginning, when you really need to grasp the specifics of how you use THAT substance or behavior, a programs specific to that behavior or substance is invaluable.
As for sponsees, the expression I heard is that a successful sponsor-sponsee relationship is when the sponsor stays sober. This is the essence of AA. Eventually, it’s what you give where the magic is, not what you get.
I’m Marc O. and I’m a compulsive commenter. -
Thanks Chris. I am impressed you can see that. I certainly didn’t and I am glad you clarified it for me.
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money, sex & a substance addiction are like the bermuda triangle for me. they seem to go hand in hand in a little triangle that i spin around in when i’m not working my program.
like rosanne rosanna dana always said “if it’s not one thing it’s another” – for me i can trade these 3 like baseball cards.
i don’t have debt anymore, and my spending could be in thrift stores, but i find i use it to fill the void and avoid what i should be feeling and dealing with far too many times.
cunning, baffling and powerful! (another triangle – so many things in my life come in three’s…)
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