It’s Impossible

It is impossible to live in this world being true to oneself and not hurt other people sometimes.  Sucks, but it’s true.  Since I’ve been sober it hasn’t been the case that I am “almost always in collision” with others, but it does happen.  The Big Book mentions “collision” once referring to living on the basis of self-will, and collision is mentioned 2 more times in the 12×12; first in Step 4, where it talks about a collision of our instincts, and then again in Step 8, when it defines “harm” as being “the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people.”

Figuring out whether one owes an amends for being true to oneself is a dicey mental activity.  Were my actions really the CAUSE of physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage, or was the damage already there, waiting to be brought to light.  I don’t think The Great Reality is that I am to be unhappy that others might be spared pain.  In fact, I think if I had spared another inevitable pain by setting aside my own happiness all that would happen is that I would grow resentful and end up creating real harm.

I got an email yesterday from someone whom I like, or liked, a great deal; whom I had hoped might be companion material.  I spent some time with him last summer and visited him last Thanksgiving.  I think he’s a really interesting, intelligent guy but ultimately he didn’t spark my interest.  Walking away from that with as much kindness as I knew how to give was incredibly difficult.  I hadn’t prepared myself for the possibility that walking away was going to set into motion the reliving of so much old pain within myself, but it did and I ended up seeking outside help for it.  Outside help on issues like that is a great thing to avail oneself of.  I go to 12 step meetings for my sobriety and while the program may be a “design for living” it certainly doesn’t address everything.

Anyway, yesterday I got an email from this guy and it was signed, “The Idiot”.

What, exactly, am I supposed to do with that?  I feel like perhaps I didn’t walk away with as much love and kindness as I perhaps might have, but I also feel like this person is saying I made them feel like an idiot; that a year later they still feel like an idiot and that they blame me for that and I don’t appreciate being the target of someone self-deprecating attempt at (unsuccessfully) causing guilt. Rather I’m angry and I want to retaliate.  My M.O. has always been to run away and I want to run. I suppose I could write inventory on it but I’d rather just file the whole thing under “Your Problem” and cut the thing off even though it means losing someone whom I had considered to be a treasured friend.

Living by the principles has taught me how to be a friend.  Perhaps it may teach me how to stop being a friend, too.