Day 23 – Theres nothing you can find that cannot be found

Tommy: Hedwig? Have you accepted Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior?

Hedwig: No, but I love his work.

I found 23 cents in the street yesterday. Not all at once; over the course of a block.

Then I stopped looking for money and started looking for a bag. Everyone I know has found dope in the street before except for me. When I didn’t immediately find some I began to wonder if “all day long you’ll have good luck” was really going to result in me NOT finding dope in the street in spite of my best efforts. I guess I never considered whether my higher power had a sense of irony.

Then I went to a 12 step meeting at noon and met this guy who is, simply judging from the content of what he shared, to a similar degree and in a similar fashion, just as whacked as I am. May not have found dope in the street but I found a sponsor.

Perhaps it was a lucky day after all.

When I got home there was a lettere from my baby sister. I haven’t had her address or phone number in quite awhile so we haven’t been in touch. It’s not the first time I’ve done that to her. She was in elementary school when I left home rather suddenly.

She writes:

Chris,

Every once in awhile I read your blog, partly because I think you are smart and creative, but mostly to see if you are alive. I cried for the crappy hand you’ve been dealt, but am happy for your treatment and fresh start.

I used to live by the quote “You are the architect of your life and you decide your destiny.”  But I’m not sure anymore.  God, a higher power, something else is involved and that is the best advice I can offer.  The boy on this card is learning from someone with more experience, someone who knows how to do it, someone willing to show him.  Find that power and those people and hold on.

I wish you the best and I love you,

A. . . . .

I was so happy to hear from her that I cried. I haven’t shed a tear in quite awhile, even through all of this. I have not been a bottomless well of self pity. As I reread I was struck by the phrase “mostly to see if you’re alive” and cried anew for having been such a terrible brother, terrible uncle, terrible son. I can barely begin to parse the damage I have done to those I love out of my selfishness and selfcenteredness.

The dope in the street is me, too busy thinking about myself to be grateful for the gifts I have and ashamed that I should behave with what amounts to such arrogance toward my creator.

I am still in a great deal of pain. I am still trying to get my brain to function on a more or less even keel. In that regard I have to be a bit selfish now if I am ever going to be free from my crystal meth addiction. Yet I cannot afford to continue to be so arrogant with regard to those things I am grateful for.

A? If you should be out there reading this tonight, I love you too, kiddo. And even though I’m you’re big brother I want you to know how much I look up to you and care for you. As I get better I’ll try to be a better brother. God willing I’ll get there yet.

P. S.  I cannot help but notice that I’ve gained 23 pounds in the last 23 days.    Perhaps instead of “Choose Life” I should wear a shirt that says “Chews Life!”  =-)  LOL