Running Up That Hill – 2 Years Sober

After taking a coin for my 2nd year sober (today) in a meeting tonight I was surprised to hear descriptions of me as I was during the first part of my recovery.  My first sponsor’s wife said that she had been scared of me.  “Don’t let that freak in my house,” she had told him.  He’s not sober today and she has less than 60 days.  I’m not judging.  I”m just saying.

The book talks about the desperation of a drowning man.  I guess desperate people probably seem a bit crazy, and if I was anything I was desperate.

In the early history of AA, Bill Wilson exchanged correspondence with Dr. Carl Jung regarding the treatment and subsequent recovery of one of it earliest members, Rowland H.  Rowland’s story is found on page 26 of the book, “Alcoholics Anonymous.”  Rowland actually got sober before Bill did.

Bill began by introducing himself and apologized for his long overdue expression of gratitude for the critical role Jung had played in the founding of AA. He reminded Dr. Jung of Jung’s conversations with Rowland H. in 1930, and then, in the simplest way, he related what had happened to Rowland after he left Zurich: Rowland’s spiritual awakening, his meeting Ebby and carrying the message to him, and Ebby’s carrying it to Bill. It was not a long letter but he got everything in: the chain reaction and some details of his own experience at Towns. And he ended with the statement that Jung’s place in the affection and history of AA was like no other.

In his response, Dr. Jung wrote:

His craving for alcohol was the equivalent, on a low level, of the spiritual thirst of our being for wholeness: the union with God.

The only right and legitimate way to such an experience is that it happens to you in reality and it can only happen to you when you walk on a path which leads you to higher understanding. You might be led to that goal by an act of grace or through a personal and honest contact with friends, or through a higher education of the mind beyond the confines of mere rationalism.

I think I was born really thirsty.  I was born not feeling wholeness, but separation.  Drugs and alcohol solved that for me, or at least eased my discomfort.  When I started doing crystal meth it really was solved.  Crystal meth made me feel complete in a way I never had.  The cost of getting that feeling of wholeness got higher and higher as my addiction progressed but I was willing to pay the price.  Those moments were worth it.

And there finally came a day when it simply did not work anymore.

In the 12 steps I found a path which continues to lead me to higher understanding.  An act of grace brought me enough clarity and willingness to begin the journey.  In the fellowship of the program I have found friends with whom I can be honest in the most profound way.  And the process of taking the steps, the practice of praying and meditating, writing and sharing with others has lifted me far beyond the “confines of mere rationalism” and toward a kind of soul knowledge about my purpose and my path.

I’ve got to tell you that today completely sucked.  Work sucked.  School sucked.  I’m exhausted.  I’m frustrated.  I’m stretched to the limits of my ability at the moment.

And that’s OK.  I am so profoundly grateful to be sober; that God has delivered me to a sober life.  “He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain,” said Dr. King.  “And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the Promised Land.”  I so grateful to know that we addicts and alcoholics can get there, together.