Winter Night
December 13th, 2009 | 
Author: 
My sobriety anniversary is very important to me and it’s coming up here soon, but it doesn’t quite move me the same way December 13th does. December 13th, today, happens also to be my birthday, but my God, I’m 44 years old. My “birthday” is not really a big deal anymore. No, the anniversary I celebrate tonight, the reason this day is important to me, is that on this night, three years ago, I suddenly saw myself clearly and suddenly had a little hope that recovery would be possible.
The first two years were easy. This last one has been a bitch. There have been times recently when I have wished that I had died back in May. It would have been so much easier. I’ve even, at times, tried to tell myself that if that illness had killed me that I would be a hero. I would have died sober. I would have died doing the things that I was supposed to be doing. My family and friends would mourn me, sure, but there would be something happy underneath the sorrow; the knowledge that they had known me and that in my last years I had been sober.
Lately things have been much, much harder. I’ve had to return to being medicated to stop the insanity that has been going through my mind. The medicines are working, so that is good, but I still have a ton of stuff to face.
Somehow, in spite of everything, I have remained sober. In fact I’ve been sober longer now than I have ever been since I was 14 years old and I attribute it to that moment at the corner of 6th and Pueblo, under the street lamp, in the snow, when I finally understood that the pain I was in then was the very best that I could hope for, unless I got sober, and when I suddenly believed that it would be possible.
” God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always. Amen”
Posted in 
Tags: 8 Responses to “Winter Night”
Leave a Reply
The Last Chance Texaco by Chris M. is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Happy Anniversary friend – i love that picture, so much hope.
I hear you. The first two years was as a cakewalk. Then the work began. I’m glad your clean and sober, sharing your life and hope with us.
Thank you.
Happy Birthday and Happy Anniversary!
Chris, Happy Birthday to you. Hang in there my friend. It’s one day at a time and even the tough days beat being below ground IMO.
chris, thank you for your your posts. i enjoyed reading them. i am about at the same point in my recovery. i wrote an article on how i got off of meth and the medications that i used to help and i thought you would be interested. you can find the article here.
http://www.soberliving.com/blog/methamphetamine-withdrawal-and-addiction-recovery-by-a-staff-member
good luck and i will keep you in my prayers.
chris s.
I actually had a severe allergic reaction to Seraquel (sp). The mood stabilizer I used in early recovery (and the one I’m returning to) is Lamictal. And to help with the lack of focus/energy/anhedonia/depression I took Provigil. I’d still take it if there were an affordable generic.
Now I’m taking Wellbutrin, Trazadone and Lamictal. Seems to be working at the moment.
It’s great that you are sober. I hope all the other mess becomes clear and untangled for you soon. Hang in there!
Thanks for the post.
Congrats on the anniversary.
There is a popular misconception…it gets easier as you get more sobriety under your belt. Well, that isn’t always true. Eventually we have to clean up the wreckage of our past and some of that comes in the third fourth and fifth years.
Best of luck and keep hitting your meetings