Hurting/Growing

When I don’t post for awhile it usually means I’m hurting, and not growing.  When I’m hurting and writing I’m finally in the process of growing.  I haven’t posted in awhile and I’ve been hurting for awhile and I’ve been incredibly blocked about getting to the answer.  Even when I got to the answer I found myself without the strength to live up to the ideal.

OGL may as well stand for “One Great Lesson.”  I spent a day trying to figure out how to start the conversation where I say that it isn’t what I’m looking for and never found the right way in.  Instead I put him on a plane for home with both of us carrying the weight of what was unsaid, and I felt like I had been a complete failure as a human being.

The last man I had a significant relationship, a live in relationship, with, Charlie, once called me that; “a complete failure as a human being.”  It’s never left me.  And as much as I would have liked for things to have worked out differently and as much as I tried to not act from old ideas it wasn’t enough to manufacture something big enough to build a relationship on.

Friendship is another story.  Liking this person and caring about his happiness and well-being only intensified my fear about walking into a conversation that I knew would hurt him, no matter how carefully I navigated it.

I’ve also learned more about what it is that I need in a relationship.  The relationships I’ve had that made me feel most loved and that I felt the most love in have all been with people who I idolized in some way.  I’m incredibly strong in many ways, and in certain areas of my life I exercise great ability.  And in the sacrament of an intimate relationship I need a hero.  I need someone who doesn’t struggle with the things I struggle with, but who understands that this path is mine, and in whom I can take refuge.  I want someone who is comfortable leading.  I lead a lot.  I’d like refuge from it.

I don’t honestly think that what I’m looking for is possible.  But I can’t try to ignore the fact that I yearn for those things; a Batman for my Robin, a Lone Ranger for my Tonto, Dr. Doogie Houser for my Vinnie Delpino.  I really prefer limelight when it is reflected, not directed at me.

I’m just vomiting here, I know.  Mostly I just needed to break the mental log jam – make my fingers move so that I can move, too.  To the degree that I’ve just wasted your time or made you think that, I don’t know, recovery isn’t possible or whatever, I’m sorry.  To the degree that I’ve let you know that I’m just another fucked up addict trying to get well with varying degrees of success, I’ve managed to be honest.  And hopefully I’m growing.  I must be because it hurts.