Day 5 – Again. Can you believe there are 3 posts titled Day 5?

Well this is my 5th day without smoking cigarettes and it is getting a little easier to navigate.  The cravings that do appear seem to come out of nowhere, but are related to events; finishing a meal, walking out of a meeting, getting out of bed – that sort of thing.  The only place that is a little bit difficult is at work.  Everyone where I work smokes.  We smoke a cigarette and plan the day.  We smoke a cigarette and stratagize.  We smoke a cigarette and train.

I’m still coughing, but I can breath like I don’t remember being able to breathe, and when I cough it feels like a little more space opens up in my lungs.  I have noticed a huge change in my sinuses.  It seems like blood clots and petrified mucus are working their way out of my head.  I am able to breathe naturally through my nose with ease and that is really neat.

The smell of cigarettes is virtually gone from my car and from my clothes and my briefcase.  Can you believe my briefcase smelled like cigarettes?  I no longer go to AA meetings where people smoke and I’m happy about that.

The biggest change is that when I got home Joe was home, wrapped in a blanket on the sofa, with a big stock pot beside his head.

I acted all non-chalant.  “Oh, hey.”

“Hey,” he mumbled in reply.

I went to the kitchen to make some dinner.  Paula, Joe’s mom, stopped by and we had a long, long talk.  She clearly has advanced Al-Anon skills.  I’ve got some writing to do about my own anger, but I don’t feel any sense of obligation to try and rescue him at all.

He’s in the living room watching cop shows, and I have no interest in that, so I’m in my room with my darling cat (who I think isn’t feeling well) and thinking I’ll take a bath here in a minute.  I know he thinks that I’m supposed to entertain him.  He’s said as much.  Too bad.

I also don’t feel like I have any obligation to invite him to or drive him to meetings.  He knows where they are.  He has a bicycle.  I won’t assume any responsibility for his recovery.  No one did that for me.

If he should ASK for help – that would be another story.

I’m glad he’s back.  But if he’s going to be like he’s been then he needs to figure something else out. Our other roommate, Jake, agrees.  His mother agrees.  His ‘failure to launch’ in every area of his life is entirely a product of himself.  Daddy don’t play that.  Daddy’s done.  If he refuses to start acting like a grown up he can find somewhere else to live.  Like his mom pointed out to me this afternoon, Jake and I pay rent here.  We get to dictate the rules.

I’m pissed.  I’ve got huge work to do on this.  It’s one thing to have compassion from a distance and another to have someone poisoning my my space.