Fear

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Another Case of Cannot

February 25, 2010 in Death, Fear by Chris | 5 comments

Deep down at the bottom of happy, joyous and free lies fear; fear that if I were ever to throw my sobriety away I might never get it back.   It seems the older we get, the more times we relapse, the harder it is to come back and fully embrace recovery.  I suspect that, as with a drug, I would want getting sober again to feel like the first time.  I would want to feel the magic, and I don’t know how one could.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that, as a class, those of us in 12 Step programs die with incredible regularity. Read the rest of this entry »

I Hate Confrontation

December 21, 2009 in Fear, Resentment, Shortcomings by Chris | 4 comments

Crystal Meth

A fight breaks out in a slum after a heavy session of whisky, gambling and Ya Ba. The effects of this rather potent form of Methamphetamine are increased aggression, paranoia and then total melt down. Week after week Thai TV channels and the newspapers were showing pictures of drug crazed adults, often with a knife to someones throats. I one instance a man slashed a babies throat killing the child all on TV. Something needed doing until so the Thaksin Government declared a "War On Drugs". Then things got really nasty. (Ya Ba translates from Thai to English as Mad Medicine).

I hate confrontation, but I’m afraid I find myself in a position where I have to have one.  With my boss.

My paycheck bounced.

I’m trying to save up some money so that I can declare bankruptcy and my paycheck is bouncing.  I can’t stand it.  My student loan and my car payments are due as is the bill for the attorney that kept me out of jail two years ago and my “Cost of Supervision” – the surtax I pay for being a dangerous criminal.  It’s Christmas.  And I’m barely getting by.  And my paycheck bounced.  I’m so mad I could spit.

This happened about this time last year, too.

You don’t bounce payroll.  I mean it’s just not done.  It’s probably time for me to be looking for a new job but with unemployment in my area at 3 times what it was 2 years ago, and not having graduated from college and being a felon, the chances of me getting another job at the wage  I currently make are very slim.  It might be a good time to think about going back to school, too, but it’s too late to get financial aid for the spring semester.  Without financial aid it will be impossible for me to go to school.  I already have $10K in student loan debt – what’s another 20 more, right?  If I end up with a decent job that has health insurance? Seriously, I don’t think that will ever happen.  I think I’m stuck where I am.

I’m stuck where I am and I have to talk to my boss about getting paid and worry about when this is going to happen again.  I just hate that.

You know, the whole last year of my recovery I’ve been in the grips of the thought that I should be weller than this by now.  I should be more comfortable in my own skin and the world should somehow be more manageable.  Or if I’m feeling anxious or depressed or fearful or angry there ought to be something I can take to make it go away.  The Big Book is rife with claims that as recovering people we should be happy and I guess the fact that I’m not, or that I haven’t been, makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong; that I am failing at the program.  It doesn’t really register that life is sometimes difficult for everyone.

I’ve been reading an old Grapevine interview with Dr. Paul, the author of “Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict” – the story that spawned the Cult of Page 449 (acceptance is the answer) and I really like what he has to say about overcoming stuff like this:

“I grew up thinking that I had to perfect my personality, then I got into AA, and AA said, no, that isn’t the way we do it: only G-d can remove our defects. I was amazed to find that I couldn’t be a better person simply by trying harder! Read the rest of this entry »

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