Roommates

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A Speedy Reply

July 17, 2009 in Perseverance, Resentment, Roommates by Chris | 7 comments

Downtown_BoiseTo say that things at home have been tense is something of an understatement.  One of the roommates has some pretty execrable behavior involving other people that I have grown very tired of.  To paraphrase Elvis, a little less drama and a little more action, seem to be in order, yet there is very little hope of that happening.  I got dragged into the drama the other day and I feel I am owed an apology, and there is less hope of that.

My friend Nikki had assured me of the power of prayer and shared a recent experience with asking for divine help and receiving it.  As I sat on my front porch in the morning a couple of days ago I thought of what Nikki told me and thought perhaps I’d try it again.  I thought I’d ask for guidance in this situation.  I came inside, logged on to facebook and there was an email from a friend, sent to a good number of people, looking for a new roommate, fast.

Miss Marie lives in a very charming, newer house, not far away, with her 2 cats, and as she works in Los Angeles for months at a time, she needs someone whom she trusts her home and her cats to. I immediately sent an email.  “Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!”

I know Miss Marie through a mutual friend who has seen me through the worst of my addiction and through all of my recovery so I know she has had access to the unvarnished truth about me, but to be sure I shared the information that could give a sensible person pause.  Knowing all that, she didn’t hesitate for a moment.  She thought, as did I, that it would do both of us good.

My probation officer didn’t hesitate either, which is good news.  Miss Marie’s job starts back up the first week of August and I’ll be moving in on the 1st.  We’ll have a couple of days together for me to learn the routine and then I’ll have a few weeks of utter peace.  It is an extraordinary balance of accountability to another, which I find very motivating, and solitude, which I also treasure.

And all placed in my path 5 minutes after praying for guidance in the living situation.

Though I have no conception of “Higher Power” beyond “bigger than I can understand,” perhaps I’d do well to pray more.

Accountability

April 7, 2009 in early recovery from smoking, Resentment, Roommates, Sponsorship by Chris | 4 comments

I suppose I could place some of the blame on the fact that I hadn’t had any nicotine.  This is day 18 without cigarettes.  At 3PM I still hadn’t had a lozenge.  It was not model behavior either, but nothing else was breaking in.  So when the dog crap had sat on the dining room floor since at least 7:30AM, when I got up, and the dog owner had made no attempt to remedy the problem, I grabbed a paper towel and threw the shit in his bedroom at him.

He silently got up and cleaned the crap up and retired to his room. (Time for a lozenge, I thought.  Clearly I’m not my charming self.)

I also had my monthly visit with my probation officer today.  I knew she had stopped by the house while I was at the vet last Sunday because Joe told me.  What he told me was that she had asked him if he was on drugs.  So when I went to visit Officer. J. B. today the first thing she said to me was, “So, I met your roommate.”  This woman has the authority to place me in jail for as long as a year without even taking me in front of a judge.  There is no way I am going to lie to or withhold information from her, particularly to save someone else’s skin.   After I told her exactly what has been going on, she asked me why I hadn’t called Joe’s probation officer.  I don’t really have a good answer for that, except that I had hoped that Joe would do the right thing and handle it himself.  I told her that keeping my street clean meant for sure telling her what is going on in my house.  What she chooses to do with that is not my responsibility.  I am accountable to her.

She said she was accountable, too, and that the law requires her to call Joe’s probation officer, which she did, while I was still sitting there.

She was very clear with me about what kind of people could be at my house and what kind of behavior she expects from me.  She was very clear about what kind of environment I am to be in, whether it is in my control or not.   I am not willing to go to jail because someone else won’t behave the way he agreed to behave and I will not live with dog shit on the floor because someone else won’t behave the way he agreed to behave.

I feel stupid for having moved.  And really, how arrogant am I to think that being around me could be a good influence on anyone?

Of course after I threw the dog shit I called my sponsor and had quite a chat.  I started by telling him what I’d done.  (He replied, “Good.”)  And after the probation office visit I called, as he suggested I do, and told him what was up.

It’s clear I’ve been an asshole, but I don’t believe, and my sponsor doesn’t believe, I’ve harmed anyone.  Rather I’m the one being harmed, and I placed myself in this position.

It’s time to figure out how to place myself out of it.

Ride It Out

April 6, 2009 in Honesty, Roommates by Chris | 2 comments

I’ve written a ton of inventory on the current situation at home and had a nice long visit with my sponsor and gotten some clarity about the situation in my house, identified the causes and conditions within me that create my unhappiness, and gotten  a sense of peace about it.

First of all, it’s clear that if, when I go into the kitchen to make coffee in the morning and do not close my bedroom door and the dog runs into my bathroom and pees on the floor, that is because the dog’s owner IS NOT CAPABLE of caring for the dog.  The dog needs to get to spend some time outside every 2 or 3 hours.  Period.  The dog needs to get to spend some time outside every time he drinks water.  Period.  And if the dog’s owner is not capable of doing that, the responsibility rests with Jake and I.

I’m done with being frustrated about it.  It is just another example of how unmanagable my life is.  One way or another, my HP will solve this, provided I refocus and work on myself.  The roommate has 2 examples of what kind of adult behavior is expected.  I don’t need to explain it to him.  If he won’t conform, or if he can’t conform, he’ll have to find somewhere where what he is doing is acceptable, or I’ll have to find a place where I’m not placing my freedom at risk.

I can see that he’s making a little bit of effort, but I still feel like a hostage here.  A little bit of effort is the same as a half measure.  It avails nothing.  “We believe there is no middle of the road solution.”  Nothing short of completely different will do.

I wrote “Make Friends With Reality” on the chalkboard in the kitchen.  The reality that I’m trying to make friends with is that I get to take care of a dog who’s owner has abandoned him and live in a house where my roommate was replaced by an alien.  My sponsor advised me to ride it out.  He said at some point, probably in the not too distant future, I will know exactly what has to happen and I’ll have the ability to do it.  Whatever it is.  In the meantime, if I get crazy, I can always go back and write more inventory.

Smoke Free Day 16 and Other Matters of Living in Recovery

April 5, 2009 in Courage, early recovery from smoking, Resentment, Roommates, Service, Sponsorship, Willingness by Chris | 6 comments

I’ve been having this internal argument about smoking cessation with nicotine replacement therapy.  Namely, in quitting smoking I’m really quitting 2 different addictions; smoking addiction and nicotine addiction. I have picked up a cigarette only twice in the last 16 days, and that has been made rather easy by the fact that my nicotine addiction is still being fed by other means (Commit Lozenges).

The thing about NRT (nicotine replacement therapy) is that when the nicotine starts to wear off, my brain reads that feeling as a que to light up.  Since I haven’t been picking up cigarettes I’ve wondered if it wouldn’t be smarter to stop the NRT as well.  I know the physical withdrawal from nicotine is less than a week long.  Why not just be done with all of it.  I’m not that afraid of the discomfort at this point.

People who know better, people who study this sort of thing, though, all seem to agree that the key is to use NRT in high enough doses for long enough to achieve the best chance of success at giving up both. When people who knew something about getting off of drugs suggested how I might solve the problem I had the same battle.  There were some people who I believed in and some people who I didn’t.  Ultimately I had to be true to myself and embrace the path that spoke to my heart.  For now I’m going to continue doing what is supported by science, even though I have different ideas.

I’m less clear about other things.  I’m less clear about what to do with Joe, who is still not leaving his room unless he absolutely has to.  There is a slew of things I am frustrated or angry about, starting with his lack of participation in his own life and his failure to care for his dog.  Jake and I both got to clean up uriine yesterday because Pepper would rather pee in our bathrooms than let us know she needs to go out, and Joe can’t be counted on to make sure she’s going out.

Joe is still unwilling to be honest with those who are best equipped to help him, including his doctor and probation officer.  I believe he has convinced himself he is sick.  I don’t know that a 4 day relapse takes three weeks and counting to recover from.  Even if I add the flu that I had on top of it he is long overdue to be getting up and doing something.

The other day ne needed a ride to see his probation officer and he appeared to still be ill.  He asked if I would give him a ride and I agreed.  I took 3 hours off work so I could do that.  I drove him the 15 or so round-trip miles.  As we were pulling in to the parking lot he uttered the first words I’d heard him say that day.  “This is going to suck.”

“Yeah,” I replied. “This is going to suck.”  I though he meant it would suck because he was going to be honest with her.  When he came out of the probation office, he asked if I was going to work on Monday because he forgot to bring his money to pay her.

I asked him how it went when he told her what was going on, and he told me he didn’t; that he had no intention of doing that.

He hasn’t thanked me for spending billable hours to help him and he hasn’t been honest, and he complained that this meeting was going to suck because he doesn’t enjoy going to see this authority figure that he placed himself in the position of having to go see.  So I told him that I wasn’t available on Monday, that until he started being honest with his doctor and his P. O. and until he learned a little bit of gratitude that I didn’t think there was much hope that his life was ever going to be different.  I reminded him that when I got sober I had all the same obligations that he had, except that for a short time I didn’t even have a roof over my head or transportation, that it was December, and I had managed to get to where I needed to be by walking.  In the snow.

I am not going to ask him anymore if he needs anything.  In the last week I’ve spent $15 of my cash, $60 in my time off work, 20 miles or so on my car, “helping” him and on balance I don’t feel like I’ve helped him at all.  I feel like all I’ve done is allowed him to keep dong what he’s doing.  And now I’m resentful because for all those things I’ve given, I haven’t even been granted a simple “thank you.”  All I have gotten is the chance to clean dog piss off my bathroom floor twice.

If I could wake him up at 6 in the morning and lock him out of the house, and not let him back in till 6 PM I would do it.  I know the program tells me I need to love and help other addicts, but I don’t believe anything I’ve done has helped him.  I feel like I’ve been a door mat.

My sponsor is back from San Diego and I haven’t seen him since before I put Gracie down.  I’ve got some stuff to go over with him and I’m really looking forward to it.

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