relationships

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Still Beating Myself Up

June 23, 2010 in Acceptance, Faith, Fear, Honesty, Integrity, Perseverance, relationships, Resentment, Shortcomings by Chris | 5 comments

There will be an end to this, right?  I’m still beating myself up for having been blind to, or simply ignored, all of the red flags that went up with The Bullet That I Dodged.  They were there in front of me all the time, from the very first time we met, and somehow I managed to dismiss them from my mind.

It’s a tricky little machine, isn’t it, our minds?  I can be going along fit as a fiddle, right as rain, and ready for love and suddenly, WHAM!  I become blindsided by something that had been clearly in view; something obvious to everyone but me.  At 41 months sober I feel like I handle most things pretty well.  I’m not sure I “manage” them, but they don’t manage me anymore.  Then along comes something like the notion that perhaps romantic attachment may still be possible for me and I experience all over again the same kind of insanity that accompanied my drug use.  I think this time will be different.  This time it won’t hurt me.  This time will be worth it. Read the rest of this entry »

Chief Activator – Super-Villain

June 7, 2010 in Fear, relationships, Shortcomings by Chris | 8 comments

Most of my family came to town for Peter’s funeral.  The night they arrived, my sister, her husband and 3 children, my brother, his wife and three children, my mother, my step-father, my step-sister, my aunt and I went out for dinner.  Only my sister in Alaska wasn’t able to make it.  It wasn’t an entirely sad occasion.  I did notice that John, my step-father, had to step out a couple of times to regain his composure.  For the most part, though, it was a pretty nice evening, breaking bread with each other and remembering Peter.

Afterward my aunt and I grabbed some coffee at Starbuck’s and went to her house to talk; commiserate really.  She is in the throes of a very nasty divorce from a man I usually refer to as “Skid Mark” – and I’m licking my wounds at having chosen so poorly again.  We both choose poorly.  We have histories of choosing poorly.  After awhile she confessed to me with tears in her eyes that she is afraid of becoming the “crazy old aunt.  The hanger on.  The one the kids are afraid of.”  I could completely identify.  I hope the worst case is that I become the eccentric, fun uncle; the one the parents are a little worried about but that the kids love.  And I guess it could happen.

And all that, particularly the disappearance of the Man Who Never Was, got me thinking about the last part of the 7th step. Read the rest of this entry »

I Need An Overhauling

June 4, 2010 in Fear, Honesty, relationships, Shortcomings, Willingness by Chris | 3 comments

“Many of us needed an overhauling there.  But above all, we tried to  be sensible on this question.  It’s so easy to get way off the track.”  Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 69

And some of us more than others, apparently.  After taking a good, long time off  from any semblance of serious dating, dating with the intention of finding a Lifetime Companion, I find that regardless of the work I have done, my “picker” is still broken.  I still find myself attracted to the sickest of the sick.  If it is true that water seeks it’s own level that isn’t saying much about my progress, is it?  Luckily I’ve been buoyant enough to bounce happily right out of the last debacle.

In the part of the Big Book that discusses our Sex Inventory we find the word “ideal” or “ideals” mentioned five times; five times in four paragraphs.

  1. In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life.
  2. We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them.
  3. Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow  toward it.
  4. Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble?
  5. We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. Read the rest of this entry »

A Memorial Day to Forget

June 2, 2010 in Acceptance, Death, Fear, relationships, Resentment, Shortcomings by Chris | 10 comments

“And those are the words of a gentleman. [Y]our arrogance and conceit, your selfish disdain for the feelings of others made me realize that you were the last man in the world I could ever be prevailed upon to marry.” – Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen

It is always hardest to write when I need to most, and this time is no different.  I have done all the things we do and I suppose I have achieved something mildly resembling peace of mind about the subject, yet I am not entirely well at the moment; not even in relative terms. I am not too well emotionally and I am not too well spiritually.  I think the cramp in my back is a good indication that I may not even be too well physically at the moment.  All I am able to do from here forward is to wait and pray… and try to forget.

A good way to put a new relationship to a test is to take a little trip together and so I invited the man I have been so enamored with to join me for the Memorial Day weekend at my parent’s cabin on Payette Lake in McCall, ID, a beautiful, serene, relaxing place where I have always been able to put the clamors of a complicated world behind me and breathe.  I had packed a bunch of food; salads, rib eye steaks, etc., books, there are plenty of board games and satellite TV there.  There is a private beach.  There are trails and hot springs nearby. The place is paradise to one who can appreciate it. Read the rest of this entry »

May 5, 2010

May 5, 2010 in relationships by Chris | 3 comments

You know what?  Maybe I still just over-react to some shit.  We had a pretty frank discussion about it yesterday.  He seems to finally be getting well.  I’m a long way from being able to “control my emotional nature”.  And none of it was inconsistent with how I’d be in a situation like we’ve been in.

However logical and methodical he is, he will simply have to accept the fact that I am equally emotional.  He will need to accept the idea that I am jumping out of the car to rescue a deer in the road, no matter how illogical it may seem, because it’s important to me.  And I will have to accept the fact that he is going to over-think everything, because it’s important to him.  And except for those two, radical differences . . .

Too Good to Be True

April 30, 2010 in relationships by Chris | 7 comments

Like so many other things that seem too good to be true, the boyfriend has devolved into a difficult, burdensome imbroglio.  But better to realize the limitations of something early on, right; especially a relationship.  Work is fine.  No paychecks have bounced since I bought the place, but the boyfriend has been an unqualified strain. Read the rest of this entry »

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