Willingness

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Still OK

November 14, 2008 in Willingness by Chris | 13 comments

There are things in life, situations, whatever, that I still don’t navigate so well.  I don’t know if that’s the part where I’m “recovering” and have a ways to go, or if it’s simply endemic to being an addict, recovering or not, or if perhaps I’m simply an outright mental defective.  You’d think I could figure it out.  I haven’t.  All of these things have something to do with living life “on life’s terms.”

So, it’s getting cold, right?  It’s getting cold. And I commute 23 miles one-way to my job.  At night it’s another 16 miles bo school, in the dark, and then another 8 miles home.  I commute 55 miles a day on a 49cc, 2-cycle scooter that under the best conditions goes 30 miles per hour.  I’m not even sure my face has thawed since this morning.

I really obviously need a car, so I went car shopping today.  Read the rest of this entry »

Sober Sunday – I’m hosting this week’s Sober Salon at thesecondroad.org

November 8, 2008 in Service, Willingness by Chris | 2 comments

Tomorrow night at 8:30 EST I’ll be hosting the weekly salon chat over at The Second Road.  Now don’t be intimidated by the fact that you need to create a user name in order to join the chat. Just plan a little bit ahead to get that done before.

So that you can be there on time.

You know how I am about people who share when they’re late. (I’ve learned that these things can’t actually make my head pop.)

Anyway – If you read this blog I hope you’ll drop by for some real-time conversation, fellowship, and support.

Missing the Mark – but not so much

November 3, 2008 in Perseverance, Willingness by Chris | 4 comments

Still missing the mark.  But that’s fine.  I set it pretty high.  I didn’t actually expect I’d reach it. My theory that I tend to come in under the mark, but always by some ratio, seems to hold weight.  Going to bed last night in clean sheets and waking up this morning to a clean kitchen was really, really nice. Having less time to get these things done did actually motivate me to get them done.

My homework is done, too.  I’m prepared for class tonight.

My willingness to work at my recovery has followed much the same pattern.  I am much more willing to work for it when I really NEED to work for it.  When I can do things at my leisure I simply do nothing.  I do what I “have to” do; not what I “ought to” do. Read the rest of this entry »

Classy

October 31, 2008 in Hope, Perseverance, Willingness by Chris | 5 comments

Well, we’ve made it through the first week.  It hasn’t been without problems.  There have been kinks to work out. But over all?  I’d say we’re doing fine.

The only way to actually have time to do homework assigned on Monday or Tuesday is to telecommute on Wednesdays.  That way I’m prepared for class on Wednesday and Thursday.  And my job was super supportive of that.

They’re also helping me find a car.  I was totally prepared to buy a junker to get through the winter, but I can totally afford the payment on a low end new car even though my credit score won’t let me do that.  Their idea is that a new car is still a better deal so later in the week we’re car shopping.

I tested out of math, which frees up some of my time.  I’m shocked at how well I did on the placement test.  I haven’t taken a math class since 7th grade.

Oh, yeah.  That’s me on my first day of kindergarten in 1970. Pretty cute, huh?

Everybody Juggles.

October 28, 2008 in Courage, Perseverance, Willingness by Chris | 4 comments

So why shouldn’t I juggle too?  I’ve been juggling already.  Figuring out how to live sober has been really, really tricky. I don’t even think that, on balance, I’m very good at it.  I’ve complained about the big chunks of my life that really aren’t working, that I struggle with, that I’m apparently unwilling to fix, but I’ve also come to believe that I have a natural failure level.  No matter how high the bar is set, I come in X percent below it.  So if I want to achieve more, perhaps I should just raise the bar high enough to reach the real goals – Ideal – Failure Rate = Achievable Goal  Maybe that’s just an insane idea, too.  Who knows.

On some level though I know that when I really push myself, I achieve more. Read the rest of this entry »

Quick and Dirty Gratitude List

October 14, 2008 in Willingness by Chris | 7 comments

I can’t remember the last time I actually wrote a gratitude list and since I’ve been in a kind of crappy place in my head recently I probably ought to write one.  Even if it is trite.  My sponsor said I shouldn’t include the things I should expect – food, shelter, clothing – but that I should really reach, whatever that means. So for the next 5 minutes . . . .

My sense of humor.

My cat.

GOOD coffee.

To not be locked up.

Kelly Ripa (so cute)

My sponsor.

My scooter.

A few more warm days.

Owen, Robert, Charlotte, Millison (my close friends)

Joe, Jake, Aaron, Dennis (the men I sponsor)

Ouch.  Time’s up.

when suddenly, and without any warning,

October 11, 2008 in Perseverance, Willingness by Chris | 7 comments

it started to snow.

Snow!

I’m not freaking kidding. And not just a little snow, either. The forecast was for a little rain.  A 40% chance of rain. And we got snow.

It was the earliest snowfall ever recorded here, beating the previous record by two days and 1/2 an inch, and while it has melted off the streets now, my lawn is still holding on to a tattered blanket of the stuff.  Now, of course, it didn’t actually start to snow until three full minutes after I got on my scooter to go home from work. I was smart enough to wear a rubber jacket to work, but I didn’t put the mask on my helmet and I don’t own a pair of gloves, so by the time I got home from work my face was completely red, my hands completely frozen, and I was soaking wet from the waist down. Read the rest of this entry »

So smart in many ways,

October 3, 2008 in Willingness by Chris | 2 comments

Cannot or Will Not

and yet so stupid in others.  I sometimes wonder if it isn’t actually a function of intelligence to be able to block out information when we choose to; if you don’t actually have to be really smart to have a really effective denial mechanism. A certain amount of mental power must be involved in forcing oneself to Read the rest of this entry »

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