Service

You are currently browsing the archive for the Service category.

Service and Self Sacrifice

July 17, 2010 in Death, Service, Sponsorship by Chris | 3 comments

I was just looking at a friend’s Facebook page, admiring a picture of her and someone’s baby, when I noticed a quote on the sidebar; something about love from Dostoevsky’s, “The Brothers Karamazov”.  Having just come from a meeting where the topic was Love and knowing how way leads to way I followed the trail of that quote as it has been used in several sermons.

The Dostoevsky story is the story of Father Zossima, the wise, self-effacing, good-humored orthodox monk that many people come to for spiritual direction. One day, a woman comes to talk with him. She has a big problem, she says.  She has lost her faith and therefore her reason to live. If Zossima cannot give her a reason to believe again, she says, she will kill herself.

The monk tells her to go home, and every day, do something concrete to love the people around her. If she does this, he assures her, she will find, slowly but surely, that she won’t be able to help but believe.  Love in action, he says, will change the way she sees the world.

The old woman isn’t especially impressed.  Basically she says, “That’s it?  That’s all you have?  I’m supposed to love the people around me?  I already do that.”

And to this Zossima responds with a line which has become famous: “Ah”, he says, “love in practice is a harsh and dreadful thing compared to love in dreams. It may very well kill you”

Doing what is good for another can be really hard. Sometimes, it’s hard to know what would be good for someone as distinct from what would make us feel good.  And actually doing it is often very hard.  In recovery we know that to love other people until they can love themselves requires “work and self sacrifice” – and it is a requirement.  It is the foundation stone of recovery. Read the rest of this entry »

Standing On the Firing Line of Recovery at the Allumbaugh House Detox Center

July 9, 2010 in Service by Chris | 4 comments

If any feel that as psychiatrists directing a hospital for alcoholics we appear somewhat sentimental, let them stand with us a while on the firing line, see the tragedies, the despairing wives, the little children; let the solving of these problems become a part of their daily work, and even of their sleeping moments, and the most cynical will not wonder that we have accepted and encouraged this movement. We feel, after many years of experience, that we have found nothing which has contributed more to the rehabilitation of these men than the altruistic movement now growing up among them. -William D. Silkworth, MD

Allumbaugh House Detox CenterAt 7 o’clock on the second Friday of every month I visit the Allumbaugh House, presumably to bring in an AA meeting.  The thing is most of the people in a county detox center have made multiple attempts at getting sober.  Most, if not all of them have been to meetings before; sometimes hundreds of them.  I went to hundreds of meetings before I ever got sober.  I had vast sections of the book memorized.  I knew what to say in meetings and I knew how to act and I knew what I was supposed to look like so that I would fit in.  I was good at doing that.  Standing on the firing line of recovery has very little to do with attending meetings.  It has to do with carrying the message.

Because these folks have been to meetings before and because they haven’t managed to stay sober in spite of it, I like to do things a little differently.  I like to go back to the very origins of the fellowship.  I like to go back to the first meeting between Bill W. and Dr. Bob.  The real power of what the program is lies in the space created between two addicts or alcoholics honestly sharing their stories with each other.  That isn’t something you can do at a meeting.  And let’s face it, who among us understood what the steps meant when we were two or three or even ten days sober?  What is the point of even reading it? Read the rest of this entry »

How deep is your love?

March 14, 2010 in Gratitude, Humility, Service by Chris | 8 comments

It’s occurred to me a couple of times recently that as a class, we addicts are often born with an unusual capacity to love and very little facility for it.  ”We couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people,” could well be understood as, “We couldn’t seem to express our love to other people.”  The love I felt, the love I wanted to share with those closest to me, was just another conviction I couldn’t live up to, even though I wanted to.   I knew it was there.  I knew I was trying to share it.  Yet I knew something was wrong because all I ever seemed to get in return was hurt. Read the rest of this entry »

Back from the dead

September 27, 2009 in Gratitude, Hope, promises, Service by Chris | 5 comments

I am really feeling grateful for my life today.  And I’m feeling especially grateful for the time that I spent with my sponsor up in Atlanta and everything that has followed.

Friday night I got to take one of my favorite people, Jill, the friend who let me detox at her house, out for dinner at my favorite restaurant, just to thank her for helping to save my life and get caught up.  Dinner was amazing.  Dessert was breathtaking.  The company was as dear to me as life and I left feeling revived; body, mind and spirit.

Saturday a friend with only 14 days sober suggested we go to McCall for the day.  Now, McCall is hardly a day trip so I called my parents and asked if we could use the cabin they have there.  We headed up, drove an extra 30 miles or so to go to Bergdorf Hot Springs and enjoyed the waters.  We headed back to the cabin, grilled a couple or rib eyes, went to an AA meeting, and talked recovery.  We were having trouble finding the meeting location so I pulled into a grocery store and walked in and asked the bag boy where the Nazarene church on pine street was.  He looked at me and asked, “Are you going to the 8 o’clock?”  Then he told us that he had a year and 2 days sober that day; a little indication from HP that we were on the right track and we were meant to be where we were.

On the way home this morning we continued our conversation about how to do recovery, the barriers to recovering, the problems we encounter and the lies we tell ourselves that take us back out.  We talked about the solution to those problems and about finding whatever formula works.

A few minutes ago another friend called to say that she is sponsor shopping and asked if I thought my own sponsor might take her on.  A little twinge of pride set it.  “What?  I’m not good enough,” I thought to myself.  But I shared some information and I passed along the phone number.  We’ll see what happens.

I feel like I’m back in “the stream of life” again, finally.

I’m dedicating Patty Griffin’s very first love song to myself.  I hope you enjoy it.

Smoke Free Day 16 and Other Matters of Living in Recovery

April 5, 2009 in Courage, early recovery from smoking, Resentment, Roommates, Service, Sponsorship, Willingness by Chris | 6 comments

I’ve been having this internal argument about smoking cessation with nicotine replacement therapy.  Namely, in quitting smoking I’m really quitting 2 different addictions; smoking addiction and nicotine addiction. I have picked up a cigarette only twice in the last 16 days, and that has been made rather easy by the fact that my nicotine addiction is still being fed by other means (Commit Lozenges).

The thing about NRT (nicotine replacement therapy) is that when the nicotine starts to wear off, my brain reads that feeling as a que to light up.  Since I haven’t been picking up cigarettes I’ve wondered if it wouldn’t be smarter to stop the NRT as well.  I know the physical withdrawal from nicotine is less than a week long.  Why not just be done with all of it.  I’m not that afraid of the discomfort at this point.

People who know better, people who study this sort of thing, though, all seem to agree that the key is to use NRT in high enough doses for long enough to achieve the best chance of success at giving up both. When people who knew something about getting off of drugs suggested how I might solve the problem I had the same battle.  There were some people who I believed in and some people who I didn’t.  Ultimately I had to be true to myself and embrace the path that spoke to my heart.  For now I’m going to continue doing what is supported by science, even though I have different ideas.

I’m less clear about other things.  I’m less clear about what to do with Joe, who is still not leaving his room unless he absolutely has to.  There is a slew of things I am frustrated or angry about, starting with his lack of participation in his own life and his failure to care for his dog.  Jake and I both got to clean up uriine yesterday because Pepper would rather pee in our bathrooms than let us know she needs to go out, and Joe can’t be counted on to make sure she’s going out.

Joe is still unwilling to be honest with those who are best equipped to help him, including his doctor and probation officer.  I believe he has convinced himself he is sick.  I don’t know that a 4 day relapse takes three weeks and counting to recover from.  Even if I add the flu that I had on top of it he is long overdue to be getting up and doing something.

The other day ne needed a ride to see his probation officer and he appeared to still be ill.  He asked if I would give him a ride and I agreed.  I took 3 hours off work so I could do that.  I drove him the 15 or so round-trip miles.  As we were pulling in to the parking lot he uttered the first words I’d heard him say that day.  “This is going to suck.”

“Yeah,” I replied. “This is going to suck.”  I though he meant it would suck because he was going to be honest with her.  When he came out of the probation office, he asked if I was going to work on Monday because he forgot to bring his money to pay her.

I asked him how it went when he told her what was going on, and he told me he didn’t; that he had no intention of doing that.

He hasn’t thanked me for spending billable hours to help him and he hasn’t been honest, and he complained that this meeting was going to suck because he doesn’t enjoy going to see this authority figure that he placed himself in the position of having to go see.  So I told him that I wasn’t available on Monday, that until he started being honest with his doctor and his P. O. and until he learned a little bit of gratitude that I didn’t think there was much hope that his life was ever going to be different.  I reminded him that when I got sober I had all the same obligations that he had, except that for a short time I didn’t even have a roof over my head or transportation, that it was December, and I had managed to get to where I needed to be by walking.  In the snow.

I am not going to ask him anymore if he needs anything.  In the last week I’ve spent $15 of my cash, $60 in my time off work, 20 miles or so on my car, “helping” him and on balance I don’t feel like I’ve helped him at all.  I feel like all I’ve done is allowed him to keep dong what he’s doing.  And now I’m resentful because for all those things I’ve given, I haven’t even been granted a simple “thank you.”  All I have gotten is the chance to clean dog piss off my bathroom floor twice.

If I could wake him up at 6 in the morning and lock him out of the house, and not let him back in till 6 PM I would do it.  I know the program tells me I need to love and help other addicts, but I don’t believe anything I’ve done has helped him.  I feel like I’ve been a door mat.

My sponsor is back from San Diego and I haven’t seen him since before I put Gracie down.  I’ve got some stuff to go over with him and I’m really looking forward to it.

Day 3 – “Just one more day.”

March 22, 2009 in early recovery from smoking, Gratitude, Service, Willingness by Chris | 6 comments

Joe hasn’t been home in 3 days now, but he’s been seen and he’s terrible.  He’s every horrible thing you can imagine about someone who has relapsed on heroin (or other heavy narcotics).  His phone is dead so he can’t call anyone.  Jake gave him my number but he refuses to call because he’s still angry with me.  I guess he hates hearing the truth.  He also told Jake that he’s going to keep using “just one more day” before he asks for help.

How many times have I said that?  I’ve said that every day for years at a time.

I also see that I’ve been pretty codependent with my relationship with Joe.  I’ve been possessed by the delusion that I have something to offer him that will rescue him and that it’s my job to save him.  I got it today that I can’t save him, and that it’s not my job to save him.  I also recognized that it may have been impossible for me to be very other centered considering how sick I’ve been for so long.  (I’m hearing now that I’m not the only one who has had this particular horrible stomach virus and that the fact that it took nearly two weeks to be rid of is par for the disease’s course.)  Being that sick for that long didn’t leave me with much, and I may personally have failed Joe, but by the same token, the program didn’t fail Joe.  Joe failed the program.

In spite of all that I’ve made it, sort of, through just one more day without cigarettes.  That is not a completely honest statement.  I smoked half a cigarette this morning.  The smoking cessation literature that I’ve read has made a careful delineation between what they called a “slip” and a “relapse”.  This morning I had a slip.  I’m back on task.  I have renewed commitment.  I’m aware that I made a choice to smoke that cigarette, and I know why I made that choice, and I know how I’m going to handle that situation, which I am sure I’ll face again, the next time I face it.

Another of my sponsees came over this morning to do his 5th step.  He had been as thorough as he is capable of being right now.  I told him to go home, open up his book to the instructions for the 6th and 7th steps, and to do that, then give me a call.  Two hours later he showed back up at my house with tears in his eyes and reported what the experience had been like for him.  Everything he described was exactly what the experience was like for me.

And at that moment, I got it that this isn’t about me.  I may fall back into serious selfishness because of illness or because I have fallen prey to the delusion that I can save someone.  But I cannot save anyone, not even myself.  All I can do is be willing to do whatever I need to do to nurture my recovery and to show up for those who ask for help the same way people showed up for me when I was ready to ask for help.

Keeping Down Jell-O

March 19, 2009 in Acceptance, Brotherly Love, Faith, Gratitude, Humility, Integrity, Service by Chris | 6 comments

I don’t know that I’ve ever been so sick and not been hospitalized.  Without health insurance and without any savings I elected to just ride it out, which, in retrospect, was probably a bad idea.  I haven’t had solid food since Monday, but I am finally keeping fluids down and the exhausting cycle of fevers and chills seems to have (I hope) ended.  Hopefully later today or tomorrow I’ll be able to do some laundry. Clean my room.  Wash my sheets. I’ve puked so much over the last 3 days and I hate puking.  Just hate it. I’ll be so grateful to have this be over.  At the moment I’m keeping down Jell-O,  One of the pups I live with works in a restaurant and came home with a half gallon of it.

That pup knocked on my door this afternoon to express some concern over the well-being of our other roomie, who is clearly (at best) over-medicated.  We just got done having a little chat with him about taking medications that aren’t prescribed to him.  He refuses to see that as a relapse.  The best thing for me to do now is nothing, although if it gets any worse I feel I have an obligation to tell his parents.  If I got to have things my way I’d give him ECT.  Moo ha ha ha ha ha!!!  It’s really a good thing I’m not in charge.

The only real bright spot of my week has been the funeral I attended this evening.  I know that sounds weird.  It was for a woman whom I had only ever heard be referred to as “The Dragon Lady.”  I went to high school with her son, whom I haven’t seen in 20 years.  Scott was the first person I knew who was ‘out’ and okay with it.  I had great admiration for him then.

I came across Scott on facebook and he generously accepted my friend request, so I got to learn a little about his life now; his long-time companion David and their daughter, Maggie, named for Scott’s mother.

One of the reasons I went was to affirm my beleief in the power of love to heal relationships; between my family and me, or between Scott and his mother.  Another reason I went was simply to honor Scott.  My being there was merely a small act of gratitude for showing me that coming out is okay, and more recently showing me that people like us can have meaningful and lasting relationships.

I almost did not go.  I barely had enough strength to shower and try to make some clothes match.  I tried to tell myself that it could be seen as an intrusion.  In the end, the thought crossed my mind that, for whatever reason, today may be the only day I ever get to see Scott and to meet his family.  Not any more reasons to drag them out of Sherman Oaks.  So in the end I went.

And I was surprised by how warmly and how lovingly I was greeted.  I was surprised not to see any of the other people we went to school with, whom he is still in touch with, there.  I was so happy to have a tiny opportunity to simply be there for a distant friend.   And right now it has me thinking about my own health condition, and about the condition of my roommate.  How there is nothing anyone can do for me to make me better faster, and how much I appreciate it that some people just show up for me – ask if I can keep down Jell-O or if I’d like some chicken soup.  And there is nothing I can do for my roommate.  Nothing.

Except be there should he decide to reach out for help.

A Million Miracles

January 13, 2009 in Ephemera, Gratitude, Humility, Perseverance, Service, Willingness by Chris | 9 comments

I feel kind of petty for making a fuss over my upcoming AA birthday.  Two years is nothing.  I went Saturday to the celebration of someone’s quinquagenary in recovery.  Fifty years is a whole lot of “one day at a time”.  If you’ve eveer been afraid that no one will show up at your funeral, stick around and stay active in 12 step recovery for awhile.

If you’ve never been to a big conference or convention or a big sobriety anniversary celebration then you may have never experienced participating in a “sobriety countdown.”  Typically everyone already knows who has been sober the longest in the crowd.  Easily the case at this party as, to my knowledge, no one in Boise, Idaho has been sober longer than “Big” Barry W.  So the countdown starts at 50.  Then they ask for anyone who has been sober 49 years to stand.  48?  47?  Someone stood at 46 years and was counted. 45? 44? For every year 43 and lower at least one person, and usually more, stood up.  As the years got lower more people stood and more people stood till they had to start asking people to stay standing so they could get them counted.  Read the rest of this entry »

« Older entries

get userping