There are natural limits on what I can compute on greed and will power alone, as I have said before, but greed and will power are my constant companions in the marketplace. I may be able to set them aside to some degree with respect to my disease and, to a lesser extent, with other alcoholics/addicts, but the fact remains that greed and will power still color virtually everything I do.
Such was the case last night when my sponsor and I went to the Western Idaho State Fair, though I could not have known it at the time.
We went through the livestock exhibits where several of his grandchildren had won ribbons for various things; rabbits, geese, ducks, pygmy goats and the like. We spent some time with his daughter, the most inspirational, funny, and kind person you could hope to meet and who, though she was born without legs, has never allowed herself to be limited by what other people think she should be able to do. We ate funnel cakes and corn dogs and wandered the midway where we enjoyed the eye candy and not the rides. We looked at quilts and photographs and tatting in the exhibition hall. And in another hall we came upon a booth selling 650 thread count egyptian cotton sheet sets – for $20.
Now, first let me let you in on a little secret. There is this boy coming to visit; this boy I’ve never met but whose voice I love, and whose sense of humor I love, and who’s quirky perspective on all things I find are either endearing or happens to match my own. This is a rare, rare boy, indeed and though I’ve “known” him through gay.com and facebook on and off for 8 years or so, we’ve never met. Secondly, you remember that, with one rather short and doomed exception, I haven’t dated anyone seriously for 16 years. Oh, I know there was the “felationship” with the “IFX” – the imaginary future ex-husband. We’re not counting that at all. That was merely an episode of loneliness and desperation – the kind that any serious addiction is bound to lead to.
I could go on and on, but I’m sure you get the picture. I want this guy to like me, and I think he wants to like me, too, because last week we decided that going on the way we have been is pointless. We should see if there is something more there. We should conduct a chemistry experiment. He bought a plane ticket. He’ll be here on Friday. I am excited, and happy and I am in a low grade panic.
So I want him to be comfortable in my house and I most especially want him to be comfortable in my bed. When I walked by the booth at the fair with the sheets all I could think was, “Oh my God! That’s 250 higher thread count than I have now. I MUST HAVE THESE!”
Now, I’m not an idiot. I know perfectly well that you cannot sell 650 ct. Egyptian cotton sheet sets for $20. I know that is not really possible. And yet I bought a set. And guess what. Not only are they not 650 ct., but they AREN’T EVEN COTTON!!!! The entire package is a LIE. And I should have known this going in. On some level I must have known it. But greed and will power are funny things, and I can hardly blame myself for being suckered in because while I bought one set, my sponsor bought three!!
When I sat down to write this I was still so mad that I wanted to go back to the fair and taser the guy who sold me the 180 thread count microfiber sheets right square in the nuts.
But I feel better now. I’ve taken a look at where I was wrong. I’ve admitted to myself and to you that I made a decision based on selfishness and greed – and to some extent fear, and while I haven’t harmed anyone but myself, I am willing to live with the consequences of my action.
I’m also willing to go to Dillard’s later and buy some fantastic sheets, so maybe I haven’t changed that much after all.
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