Brotherly Love

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I forgive you

January 7, 2011 in Brotherly Love, Forgivness by Chris | No comments

I forgive you because hating you takes too much out of me.  I would rather hate you, but every moment I spend doing that blocks me a little more from “the sunlight of the spirit” without which I cannot long survive.

I forgive you for lying to me about your love and support of me and my family.  I forgive you for lying to me about your motivations.  I forgive you for trying to harm my mother and I forgive you for stealing from me.  I forgive you for calling my mother in rehab to tell her that I have relapsed – when I haven’t.  I forgive you for being intentionally cruel and manipulative.  I forgive you because I know how sick you really are.  I have known it for 28 years and I have ignored it, for my own selfish reasons, for as long as I can.

I didn’t back off when I should have and I own that.  But I forgive you for the harm you did between then and now.

“Perhaps there are some individuals I should back away from as soon as I meet them. However, there’s a difference between dismissing a person because I am being controlled by some mindless, reflexive bias, and my ridding my life of an individual whom I can see –because I am looking clearly– bears me no goodwill.” Hugh Prather, Notes on Love and Courage

Nothing That Three Million Dollars Won’t Fix

February 5, 2010 in Brotherly Love, Resentment, Shortcomings by Chris | 5 comments

I think I hate being in therapy.  I mean, they make you look at yourself!  And who wants to do that?  I thought I’d done well enough having gotten through the 4th step and, after all, I’m still sober.  I guess that isn’t entirely true.  After an hour and a half with Anita yesterday I realized that I still have a bunch of work to do on a resentment I didn’t think I harbored any longer.  A resentment toward my  mother.   Oh my God!  Can’t we just put that behind us already?  It’s bad enough that I feel like I’ve lost all the passion in my life, and lost it long ago, but to have this still be the thing that is blocking me is beyond the pale. Read the rest of this entry »

The Age of Epiphany

July 23, 2009 in Brotherly Love, Early Recovery From Crystal Meth Addiction, Gratitude, promises by Chris | 6 comments

I have grown to really love reading Last Chance on the Stairway, a recovery blog written by a cat who’s “experience closely mirrors” my own; not just his experience in his addiction, but especially his experiences in the first part of recovery.  Every new experience is so amazing, and experiencing living again is so clear and so bright.  Over each obstacle lies a new epiphany – the sudden revelation of the Great Reality.  I really loved that time in my recovery, and I really love seeing others go through a similar experience.

“It gets more difficult every day to remember the feeling of how much pain I was in then. I remember the insanity of the actions I was taking at that time—how reclusive I had become, how sad, my fits of rage, crying on the interstate—but it gets more difficult to recall the feelings.,” he writes on the occasion of his 9 month milestone.  He’s right.  With effort, I can still recall the events, but the feelings are much dimmer.  I feel them again when I look back at posts from the first year, so I’m really, really grateful that I had the intuitive thought that I should spill my guts the way I did.  Without having done that I might easily lose many of the most valuable lessons I learned in that time.

In my first year sober I was hardly employable.  I had a really hard time keeping track of time.  To some extent I still do, but having my schedule as clear as it was in those months I had the chance to go to tons of meetings.  Tons of them.  I had the chance to see my sponsor virtually every day.  I had time to read the book and do step work and I was motivated to do this thing and as a result I felt connected to the program and to my HP in a profound way.

As I became able to take care of myself again, as I lost that time to a job and school, that ardent feeling of connection subsided somewhat.  We always say to each other when trouble comes, “this too shall pass.”  The truth is that even the good things pass, too.  The more I’ve missed it and tried to grab on to it again, the more I’ve tried to pull it tightly around me, the more elusive it has become.

Today I find I feel closer to it when I let it go somewhat; when I wear it “like a loose garment.”  I sense it’s power when I feel it brush my skin, and I feel it slip through my fingers when I try to grab onto it.  My sponsor is fond of saying that this isn’t a program of make-make-make, it’s a program of let-let-let.  I stand a better chance of letting myself experience serenity when I let myself shut off the television, let myself breathe, let myself have time, let myself be present.  I’ve realized that I can be as connected as I let myself be.

Today I let myself observe the journey of another addict, much like myself, and it brought me great joy.

Namaste

Day 5 – Again. Can you believe there are 3 posts titled Day 5?

March 24, 2009 in Acceptance, Brotherly Love, early recovery from smoking, Integrity by Chris | 4 comments

Well this is my 5th day without smoking cigarettes and it is getting a little easier to navigate.  The cravings that do appear seem to come out of nowhere, but are related to events; finishing a meal, walking out of a meeting, getting out of bed – that sort of thing.  The only place that is a little bit difficult is at work.  Everyone where I work smokes.  We smoke a cigarette and plan the day.  We smoke a cigarette and stratagize.  We smoke a cigarette and train.

I’m still coughing, but I can breath like I don’t remember being able to breathe, and when I cough it feels like a little more space opens up in my lungs.  I have noticed a huge change in my sinuses.  It seems like blood clots and petrified mucus are working their way out of my head.  I am able to breathe naturally through my nose with ease and that is really neat.

The smell of cigarettes is virtually gone from my car and from my clothes and my briefcase.  Can you believe my briefcase smelled like cigarettes?  I no longer go to AA meetings where people smoke and I’m happy about that.

The biggest change is that when I got home Joe was home, wrapped in a blanket on the sofa, with a big stock pot beside his head.

I acted all non-chalant.  “Oh, hey.”

“Hey,” he mumbled in reply.

I went to the kitchen to make some dinner.  Paula, Joe’s mom, stopped by and we had a long, long talk.  She clearly has advanced Al-Anon skills.  I’ve got some writing to do about my own anger, but I don’t feel any sense of obligation to try and rescue him at all.

He’s in the living room watching cop shows, and I have no interest in that, so I’m in my room with my darling cat (who I think isn’t feeling well) and thinking I’ll take a bath here in a minute.  I know he thinks that I’m supposed to entertain him.  He’s said as much.  Too bad.

I also don’t feel like I have any obligation to invite him to or drive him to meetings.  He knows where they are.  He has a bicycle.  I won’t assume any responsibility for his recovery.  No one did that for me.

If he should ASK for help – that would be another story.

I’m glad he’s back.  But if he’s going to be like he’s been then he needs to figure something else out. Our other roommate, Jake, agrees.  His mother agrees.  His ‘failure to launch’ in every area of his life is entirely a product of himself.  Daddy don’t play that.  Daddy’s done.  If he refuses to start acting like a grown up he can find somewhere else to live.  Like his mom pointed out to me this afternoon, Jake and I pay rent here.  We get to dictate the rules.

I’m pissed.  I’ve got huge work to do on this.  It’s one thing to have compassion from a distance and another to have someone poisoning my my space.

Keeping Down Jell-O

March 19, 2009 in Acceptance, Brotherly Love, Faith, Gratitude, Humility, Integrity, Service by Chris | 6 comments

I don’t know that I’ve ever been so sick and not been hospitalized.  Without health insurance and without any savings I elected to just ride it out, which, in retrospect, was probably a bad idea.  I haven’t had solid food since Monday, but I am finally keeping fluids down and the exhausting cycle of fevers and chills seems to have (I hope) ended.  Hopefully later today or tomorrow I’ll be able to do some laundry. Clean my room.  Wash my sheets. I’ve puked so much over the last 3 days and I hate puking.  Just hate it. I’ll be so grateful to have this be over.  At the moment I’m keeping down Jell-O,  One of the pups I live with works in a restaurant and came home with a half gallon of it.

That pup knocked on my door this afternoon to express some concern over the well-being of our other roomie, who is clearly (at best) over-medicated.  We just got done having a little chat with him about taking medications that aren’t prescribed to him.  He refuses to see that as a relapse.  The best thing for me to do now is nothing, although if it gets any worse I feel I have an obligation to tell his parents.  If I got to have things my way I’d give him ECT.  Moo ha ha ha ha ha!!!  It’s really a good thing I’m not in charge.

The only real bright spot of my week has been the funeral I attended this evening.  I know that sounds weird.  It was for a woman whom I had only ever heard be referred to as “The Dragon Lady.”  I went to high school with her son, whom I haven’t seen in 20 years.  Scott was the first person I knew who was ‘out’ and okay with it.  I had great admiration for him then.

I came across Scott on facebook and he generously accepted my friend request, so I got to learn a little about his life now; his long-time companion David and their daughter, Maggie, named for Scott’s mother.

One of the reasons I went was to affirm my beleief in the power of love to heal relationships; between my family and me, or between Scott and his mother.  Another reason I went was simply to honor Scott.  My being there was merely a small act of gratitude for showing me that coming out is okay, and more recently showing me that people like us can have meaningful and lasting relationships.

I almost did not go.  I barely had enough strength to shower and try to make some clothes match.  I tried to tell myself that it could be seen as an intrusion.  In the end, the thought crossed my mind that, for whatever reason, today may be the only day I ever get to see Scott and to meet his family.  Not any more reasons to drag them out of Sherman Oaks.  So in the end I went.

And I was surprised by how warmly and how lovingly I was greeted.  I was surprised not to see any of the other people we went to school with, whom he is still in touch with, there.  I was so happy to have a tiny opportunity to simply be there for a distant friend.   And right now it has me thinking about my own health condition, and about the condition of my roommate.  How there is nothing anyone can do for me to make me better faster, and how much I appreciate it that some people just show up for me – ask if I can keep down Jell-O or if I’d like some chicken soup.  And there is nothing I can do for my roommate.  Nothing.

Except be there should he decide to reach out for help.

New socks and underwear

November 30, 2008 in Brotherly Love, Gratitude, Service by Chris | 8 comments

Few other things make me feel as secure and contented as new socks and underwear.  Although I’ve had a few new socks and a couple of pair of boxers a couple of times since I got sober, there were none in the 2 years before and no new t-shirts at all.

Yesterday I threw them all out.  Every sock, every brief, every boxer, every t, and drove myself to Macy’s, coupons in hand, and replaced them all.

Pulling on new socks and a new t-shirt reminds me in a powerful way how much I love my life today, how much better it is than it was 2 years ago surfing on the sofas of people I hated.  Read the rest of this entry »

You know I’m insane, right?

September 29, 2008 in Brotherly Love by Chris | 6 comments

Back when I was trying to get sober, still with a roof over my head and looking for a treatment center to go to, back when my mom and step-dad were all for sending me, before they changed their minds and did what they could to destroy my life, and while I was completely high, I sat down at my computer and contributed to an article on WikiHow called “How to Beat Drug Addiction.” The internet is just a hotbed of mental illness, isn’t it?  I wrote items 5 and 9 on the list of steps. Reviewing them now I still think they make good sense. Read the rest of this entry »

IN-N-OUT. N-IN.

September 27, 2008 in Brotherly Love, Ephemera, Service by Chris | No comments

He’s back in. That’s good. My sponsor asked what I would have wanted someone to do when I went out. That answer was easy. I was desperate to know that someone cared. That anyone cared. I know now that they did, but everyone I knew simply stepped back. And I remember feeling like it didn’t matter anyway; that I could show up or not and nobody cared.  So why bother to care myself, you know? Read the rest of this entry »

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