“Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous, page 58
Some of us have tried to hold on to them without even knowing that is what we’re doing, until it bites us.
I was thinking about my conversation with Chris Lawford a couple of years ago. The last question he asked was, “What does God look like?” He asked all of us the same set of questions and you can discern that from a close reading of the chapters in “Moments of Clarity”, and he has included the answers to that question from a few of the people he interviewed. I remember Susan Cheever’s being particularly moving, though at the moment I can’t remember what it was. Mine was not included, which killed me because I thought I had been so clever.
In the first place, I thought the question was kind of obtuse. How, really, can one know what God looks like? We can’t even agree on a definition of God, let alone agree on God’s existence, so how would I know what God looks like. And that is what I said. I said, “I don’t know, but when it is my time to go I hope He holds me in his arms and whispers something funny.”
It is a good thing it was not included, actually, because it is not even an original line. I stole it from William Finn; a line from the song “You’ve Got to Die Sometime” from Falsettoland. (None of my material is original. Go ahead and check. That’s not entirely true. I did coin the term Googlyize, meaning to glue googly eyes on to something, but I digress.)
The thing is, at that time and though I wasn’t even conscious of it, I was still in the grips of an old idea about what God is, and though intellectually I professed something more abstract, my spiritual experience in the early parts of my recovery had never been inconsistent with the ideas of God which I had been given as a child. I was taught to believe in God at approximately the same time I was taught about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, and he was given a personality and a face, the same way those other fairy tales had. (When my parents told me the truth about the Easter Bunny I proudly walked into class the following Monday and announced to everyone that, “My daddy is the Easter Bunny!”)
I guess this incredibly painful four month experience in letting go of that old idea, and the amazing relief I have at the moment having come through that and feeling again a spiritual wholeness, has me curious about what other old ideas I may be hanging on to that are standing in the way of my growth.
I suspect they will make themselves known when the time is right.
Tags: 11th Step, 3rd Step, Christopher Kennedy Lawford, God, God's image, Higher Power, Moments of Clarity, Santa Claus, Spirituality, Susan Cheever, William Finn
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You’re probably right. Those things will become evident in the fullness of time.
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most ideas are useless. they never ‘pin down’ reality. they fail utterly. ideas are based on WORDS and hackneyed unquestioned reactions.
i love amaros talks because he talks of ‘heart wisdom’. meaning he pretty much bypasses the head !! altogether when looking for wisdom. wisdom is in the HEART, not the head. i would be very happy if i managed to take every babbling stream of thought with a pinch of salt, and stay with the experiences of the heart instead. my head does me no favors. neither do its poxy ‘ideas’. its all so much more complex than silly words and ideas. much more beautiful than any word could communicate.but yeah. poxy redundant old ideas that keep us blind? we are up to our NECKS in them im afraid…
recovery is the delicate task of deconstructing the tired and worthless barricade of ideas preventing us from DIRECTLY experiencing reality. which is MUCH more terrifying and beautiful then we realize.
apart from that.. everything is ! fine! hehe
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I changed a lot of ideas when I started in Al-Anon. I’ve learned new ideas that make much more sense to me than what I previously thought. I’m grateful for that.
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Great post! This is very helpful. I’m sure I’d visit your site more often. Anyway, you can drop by my favorite online hang out too, at UK Student Community. Thanks!
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