It’s been almost 2 years since we were all together. Grandma’s funeral doesn’t count, but 2 years ago my entire clan got together for a reunion (you can read about here) and we’ll be together again in a couple of days. For the first time in decades I’ll actually get to SEE my father on Father’s Day.
The place we’re going to is right next to (what my sponsor says is) a great rehab, the Cirque Lodge. Considering my current state I’m not sure that my time wouldn’t be better spent there. I’m sober. I haven’t relapsed. But the people that I’ve talked to assure me that it’s okay that I feel fucked up in the head considering what I’ve been through and the medication that was required. I’m long off the opiates but my brain still isn’t working right.
Then there is the whole God issue. I went on a “mission” to Barnes & Noble and picked up a copy of “Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be” and I think I’m gaining a little bit of peace with the whole “why me?” mind-fuck I’ve been trapped in. Healing physically certainly is helping, too, and even there I’m FAR from back to normal.
My ribs feel squishy. They ache. I get shooting pains and flames in my incisions. Breathing is still hard; deep breaths. I can’t even describe what that’s like, to take in a deep breath and have half my body feel normal and the other half feel like it’s a different size on the inside.
Maybe being reunited with my father will prompt a little more shift in being reunited with my sense of conscious contact with my HP. Maybe the scenery will help. Maybe the suggestions in Lama Surya Das’s book will help me let the flame back in. Maybe I’ll return to my spiritual roots and become an active Mormon again. I doubt it, but it could happen.
All I know is that as long as I stay sober there is hope that things will get better. For right now that’s good enough.
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Sounds like you are on the right track, even if you aren’t satisfied with your progress. And you know the things to do. You may *feel* messed up or confused or that you lack something, but it looks to me like you are in the right place. Will it all come together? Probably not “all” but things will improve.
Have a good trip. I hope the reunion is appropriately fulfilling. Remember to take care of yourself.
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and maybe you’ll remember why you’ve needed two years to forget how little you liked family reunions? (just kidding – sorta…)
you are on my mind lots and in my prayers regularly. have a wonderful time, enjoy the change of pace, the beauty of your surroundings and those who have your blood coursing through their veins.
keep us posted on your time away if you get a chance, i’d love to hear how it’s going.
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Family tend to bring up a LOT of habitual (usually negative) reactions. That is fine. We all have these habits. The hard part is accepting that we all have these unflattering habits and doing our lousy best not to make a problem out of that.
Thankfully our lousy best is good enough. Hope you are pleasantly surprised.
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Pretty good post. I just came by your site and wanted to say
that I’ve really liked reading your blog posts. In any case
I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon!
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