but you were talking about ‘feelings’. and in that, i think you hit the nail exactly on the head. thanks for your comment.

I’ll be home tomorrow, millison.

My experience with my own very religious family (same Jesus, different brand of worship) is that (for the most part) they just want me to be happy, which I really have never been close to until fairly recently, and they see homosexuality as the cause of the misery. They spend much more time focused on their own sin than on mine, I think. They find joy in their Christ, and want me to feel the joy they feel. Maybe when your family is talking to you about coming back into the church, they have the same feelings you have when you are talking to someone in active addiction about coming into the program?

I’m just talking about feelings, not the right or wrong of the thoughts and motivations behind the feelings. You have this great feeling, this thing you want to share with someone who doesn’t want it or isn’t ready for it. If they love you and want you to be happy, and their happiness comes from participating in this belief system, they are going to ask you to be a part of it. That’s love. (If you respectfully decline and they start pushing, that’s another story, but that doesn’t sound like what’s happening.)

Maybe they feel like that is the ultimate sign of approval–asking you in back in.

Look for the good, leave the rest.

xo

I often felt that I was on the outside looking in. That’s why Step Two was so critical for me. There had to be something out there that could restore me to sanity. I believed in God, but I had to get a Bigger God who could heal my wrists as well as my heart and mind, who could love me despite my own self-loathing, who could handle my problems, my guilt, my despair, my desperation. One who could handle this war, our national as well as global problems, my sons, my loneliness, my anger. My sponsor used to remind me frequently, “then get a bigger god, Millison”.

So I did. I do. I work on Step Two every day because I’m a friggin’ alcoholic. I’m crazy. I’m bent on self destruction. And I have way too many voices in my head, all with stupid or irrational suggestions (“I know! Let’s go shopping! or, “No one really cares” or the worst, “You know you’ve never been good enough, you never will, just face it.”)

Forgive the rambling, and come home soon (so we can go shopping–oops).

http://www.angelfire.com/md/elanmichaels/greatspiritprayer.html

glad you are able to take what you like and leave the rest, and look for what is helpful to you in your ‘tribe’. impressive!
its funny isnt it. we cannot fully separate from our family. we are very enmeshed with them one way and another. thats why to ‘fight’ the depth of that connection is futile and always leaves one feeling displaced and off centre.

hope the rest of the trip helps you as much as the part so far

It’s great that you are reconnecting with your family, though it would be really nice if they accepted you as an equal.

You write very well.

“That Chris” made me snort out loud!