It is so strange, and so strange that it is comforting to be again in the company of my family and among people who share my religious heritage. The Church (of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints – the Mormons) take a very dim view of homosexuality and of drug addiction. Now that the addiction part is under control, and now that my father and I have both worked very hard to heal our relationship, I’m a part of this gigantic clan again.
I have a cousin, Nicholas, who I’ve hung out with a little bit, who only ever knew my name before, not my face, and he knew that my name was always attached to trouble or heartache. “THAT Cousin Chris” is what he calls me. The younger ones figure out who I am and their eyes widen briefly. The little kids, and there are a dozen of them, all think I’m great. I think I’m just better adapted to talk to little children.
Another cousin of mine, Nate, was 6 years old when I effectively left the family. Now he’s a giant man with several children of his own, a wonderful wife, and a really cool job in Washington D. C. that affords him a ringside view of our government. (He really likes Barney Frank, whom he knows personally, and he also really likes Larry Craig, whom he knows personally, and wishes Larry would “just come out already.”) We are polar opposites, politically, but because he came by his beliefs through work and reason (as opposed to being brainwashed by talk radio and Fox News) we are actually closer than one might imagine, and honestly I think he’s really cool.
Being around these people, being in this environment, is so comfortable, and I’m only slightly ill at ease with that. I have some anger about what the LDS church has done to my tribe. I’m even more angry that members of my own family share the political view that prompted church members in Utah (mostly) to pump $40 million into California to pass Proposition 8. I don’t understand how people who love me, who claim to want the best for me, could possibly believe that a world where inequality is the law is morally right. I don’t want to be married in their temple. I am happy to live in a country where they are permitted to practice the religion of their conscience, and I believe in protecting freedom of religion. Freedom of religion is one of the civil rights that our country is built on. Equal protection under the law is another of the ideas that our country is supposed to be built on and until I am truly offered equal protection I will not really be one of them – one among my own people.
So I’m part of our family – but not a full part. Here, in this place I love, among people I love, I am considered to be an inferior.
I’m no closer to coming to believe that “a power greater than myself” is appropriate to turn my “will and life” over to the care of. I still think that “Higher Power” is an unconscious, impersonal, greater good –indifferent to my personal circumstance–the law of cause and effect if you will; cause and effect in a system too large for me to grasp. Perhaps if I were omniscient I could understand all of what has happened and what continues to happen. At the moment the power, I think, resides with me and within the group, and in my relationship with my sponsor. I refuse to concede that the Higher Power resides with and favors the saints and not the sinners –no matter what they believe.
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I am so glad to hear that you are enjoying yourself and making your way back through your family of origin. And I think that your “greater good/higher power” is okay with you being right where you are right now. Just don’t give up seeking.
“That Chris” made me snort out loud!
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Tricky stuff, this faith. I’m in a similar quandary. I believe there is a spiritual something, maybe energy, maybe spirit, I’m not sure. I don’t have a connection to it, though, and I kinda want to, I think.
It’s great that you are reconnecting with your family, though it would be really nice if they accepted you as an equal.
You write very well.
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i like the great spirit prayer as I am unable to see ’sin’ or ‘wrongness’ in it. just compassion. but i was not reared on ’sin’ so who knows.
http://www.angelfire.com/md/elanmichaels/greatspiritprayer.html
glad you are able to take what you like and leave the rest, and look for what is helpful to you in your ‘tribe’. impressive!
its funny isnt it. we cannot fully separate from our family. we are very enmeshed with them one way and another. thats why to ‘fight’ the depth of that connection is futile and always leaves one feeling displaced and off centre.hope the rest of the trip helps you as much as the part so far
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I used to struggle in a parallel way when we were active in the Baptist churches. I felt a part of and yet apart from them, always knowing that I would never be fully accepted because of certain beliefs that I held onto (still do) that they frowned upon.
I often felt that I was on the outside looking in. That’s why Step Two was so critical for me. There had to be something out there that could restore me to sanity. I believed in God, but I had to get a Bigger God who could heal my wrists as well as my heart and mind, who could love me despite my own self-loathing, who could handle my problems, my guilt, my despair, my desperation. One who could handle this war, our national as well as global problems, my sons, my loneliness, my anger. My sponsor used to remind me frequently, “then get a bigger god, Millison”.
So I did. I do. I work on Step Two every day because I’m a friggin’ alcoholic. I’m crazy. I’m bent on self destruction. And I have way too many voices in my head, all with stupid or irrational suggestions (“I know! Let’s go shopping! or, “No one really cares” or the worst, “You know you’ve never been good enough, you never will, just face it.”)
Forgive the rambling, and come home soon (so we can go shopping–oops).
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Regarding “I am considered to be an inferior,” has anyone actually said that, or is that just what you feel, and/or think they believe?
My experience with my own very religious family (same Jesus, different brand of worship) is that (for the most part) they just want me to be happy, which I really have never been close to until fairly recently, and they see homosexuality as the cause of the misery. They spend much more time focused on their own sin than on mine, I think. They find joy in their Christ, and want me to feel the joy they feel. Maybe when your family is talking to you about coming back into the church, they have the same feelings you have when you are talking to someone in active addiction about coming into the program?
I’m just talking about feelings, not the right or wrong of the thoughts and motivations behind the feelings. You have this great feeling, this thing you want to share with someone who doesn’t want it or isn’t ready for it. If they love you and want you to be happy, and their happiness comes from participating in this belief system, they are going to ask you to be a part of it. That’s love. (If you respectfully decline and they start pushing, that’s another story, but that doesn’t sound like what’s happening.)
Maybe they feel like that is the ultimate sign of approval–asking you in back in.
Look for the good, leave the rest.
xo
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