Nobody told me that, and honestly, I’m not sure I would have been able to hear them if they did, but man-o-man it is an important thing to realize. That’s my experience anyway.
You see, this isn’t my first rodeo. I had over 2 years sobriety on another occasion and I suffered a major illness. I had meningitis. I spent several days in the hospital on serious painkillers. I went home with more of them, and when they weren’t really cutting it for me anymore I reached out for the chemical that was always my first love – crystal meth. I persued that relapse for another 4 years.
This time the pain has been much worse. The surgery I had was pretty invasive. It’s been 21 days already and I still can’t drive or lift anything. One more week they tell me. And this time coming down from the painkillers was much worse. I was not prepared in any way for what was going to follow; the feelings of wothlessness, hopelessness, loneliness, and helplessness.
Somehow in this experience I remembered that everything I was feeling was what I was feeling at the very begining of my sobriety.
Never mind the physical pain, that’s how emotionally painful this has been; exactly like the very beginning of my recovery.
This time, except for the fact that I’ve been grounded and couldn’t go out looking for help, I did the same things I did when I first got sober. I called people and asked for help. I have made a ton of friends in 12 step recovery, and a very special handful of those people have kept my phone turned on, kept food in my fridge, helped me with laundry, come over to be with me as I relearn to master skills like walking around the block. I’ve been lucky enough to have a dozen people show up at my house to bring me a meeting because they knew I couldn’t get out to or sit through one.
Little by little and day by day I’ve been getting better and stronger. Little by little the pain is going away. But in great and wonderful ways I have regained hope that when I remain willing to do what must be done to recover, that I will continue to recover. When I am willing to be honest with the people that love me about what is going on with me and humble enough to receive their help, things get better, and they get better fast.
I wish I had known, as I was checking in to the hospital, what the emotional price was going to be. I wish I had known that it would be just like starting over. I don’t know. Maybe someone has said it in a meeting before and I just didn’t hear it or get it. So that’s what I wanted to share: life can be really hard and there are things that come down the pike that are going to make you feel like you felt right before or right after you got sober. What has really helped me was remembering the things that I did back then and DOING THAT. Asking for help and recieving help and talking about my fears and my hopelessness and listening to other people share how grateful they have been for my help in the past and how happy they are to be able to help me has returned me to a state of faith and hope.
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welcome home
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thanks. -
For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could NOT survive the CERTAIN trials and low spots ahead. p14
See? Your former service was money in the bank for this experience. We NEED it when things go wrong. Just like this quote says. I NEED it. Thats why service is a daily focus in my recovery. Its all preparation for “he CERTAIN trials and low spots ahead.” p14
It is a design for living that WORKS in ROUGH going. p15
There is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome among us. p15Cool. yep. it works if you work it. Simple but not easy. Very ego puncturing process! but it works like a charm. and this experience is yet further proof of the same.
Keep on keepin on Chris.
It’s a cinch an inch, but it’s hard by the yard -
thank you for the reminder. my son nearly dying in february was as close as i have come to a full blown relapse and i eve reset my abstinence date for my compulsive overeating anniversary. i can’t imagine how difficult it would be to be given the junk without even being asked. so proud of you for putting it back down.
i mailed your package yesterday. the art piece from the facebook meme. i started it right after you signed up – but had NO idea at the time how poignant it would be for right now. as i put the finishing touches on it yesterday and drove it over the river to mail it made me smile to know that our higher power somehow knew this was exactly the right words and i hope you like it. it’s not perfect, but i knew that starting it over would put off the timeliness of the words. i really hope you like it. i was surprised at how much i did when it was all finished. i think you may even get it tomorrow, but probably monday. much love and prayers.
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ah bless
you’re not so bad yourself chris http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txBaQs0uzJA
England Dan & John Ford Coley – Love Is The Answer (1979)This song describes for me the profoundly ! healing power of genuine service toward others. long and short term. real oldie! very gentle though.
I have been ’saved’ by service when things went wrong for me (as they do everybody) My service carried me till i came out the other end. And it brings blessings and good fortune into your life. in totally ! unpredictable forms. well thats what i think. and in exchange for what? ..Just for trying our lousy ! best to do the ‘next right thing’ on a daily basis.
Sounds like a fair swap to me -
“Pain Killers!” Did someone say “Brett Favre (lol)!”
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Hey Chris, how are you feeling? I hope all is well in your world….
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