I’ve gone on here this long – why quit now. I’ve changed my mind. I do have somewhere anonymous to write now but . . . . this place still has meaning to me.
Wishing I Was Dead
At 40 days off cigarettes my back and ribs hurt me so much that I couldn’t move and for some reason I decided that I needed to see a chiropractor. So I went to see one, had an exam, took a ton of x-rays, got an adjustment and was told to ice my ribs and come back the following Monday.
Well, that night I couldn’t get out of a chair I sat down in. I tried to lie on the floor thinking it might help and instead it made things worse. I called my mom and asked if she had anything really good for pain and I made it through the weekend with Norco and Valium. Monday my sponsor took me to a real MD – and a few x-rays later he shot me up with antibiotics, wrote a scrip for others, along with another scrip for Norco, and sent me across the street to a radiology lab where I had a CT scan on my 40 day smoke free lungs.
It was too late in the day to get the darn thing read so I had to return the following morning for the results. When I did I was given clear instructions that they were waiting for me in Admitting at St. Lukes Regional Medical Center.
At the very least I had pneumonia – and they presumed PCP. Oddly I’m still HIV-.  I assumed they would wheel me into a room and throw a gown on me and an IV and I’d be done in a few days. Instead, the next thing I remember I was in recovery from surgery and had tubes sticking out of my side along with some sort of pump that was keeping my lung inflated. I don’t remember being in any pain as I was attached to a bottle of morphine.
The fluid wasn’t coming out fast enough I suppose, because after 2 days of that I signed something and woke up several hours later in ICU with a 14″ incision across my back and bruising across most of my ribs, front and back, and the information that parts of me had to be removed. I want to sue that fucking chiropractor who looked at chest x-rays of me from 3 days before and didn’t send me to a real doctor.
I am out of the hospital now for several days but I am in so much pain that I can hardly describe it to you. I’ve also gotten the first hospital bill – not the surgoen or anything else mind you – and it looks like the hospital stay alone was over $23.000 – and I feel like I want to die.
This doesn’t seem right.
I son’t be able to even drive – like to go to work – for at least 2 more weeks according to the orders. I live paycheck to paycheck (mostly) and I haven’t had one in 3 weeks now and have had to rely on family and friends for groceries and telephone service . . . .
I’m trying to remind myself that “this too shall pass”. At the moment though, honestly, I wish I would have died. The longer ago the better.
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Hang in there, Chris. There are a lot of people out here that love you and hold you in high esteem. You are a bright spot in the world for me, and you would be sorely missed. This is just another of lifes challenges, it will all be OK. I’ll be praying for you my friend.
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When I think about it, it is always cheaper to die than to live. Every time. We save people money, and we no longer have to pay a single bill. Money and bills are a stupid reason to want to die. But that’s not really what this post is about, I realize.
You’re experiencing temporary depression, the result of all the meds you’ve had to be on plus the major surgery you went through. Now is a good time to remember not only that This Too Shall Pass, but do not judge your feelings. Just let them wash over you. They’re just feelings. You don’t have to act on them.
Once again, I want to urge you to take several packets of Emergen-C to help your system detox and heal, and to lay out in the sunshine for 20 minutes each day. Sunshine encourages endorphins–feelings of well being.
Love you dear one.
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damn.
damn.
damn.
i hate the medical system. you shouldn’t want to die to get out of hospital bills. it’s just wrong. please don’t give up.
your art piece will be on it’s way this week. i started it long before you got sick, but it’s even more appropriate now. my heart is breaking for you. so wish i could be there in person to make you some soup and do your laundry.
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could it be that now may be a great time to start being of service? i find that when i am busy with others, i am blessed with getting out of my own head… (which can be a very dark place…)
glad you haven’t given up here..
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