The much hoped for daughter/neice/granddaughter who was due on Christmas Eve has arrived fashionably late. And we couldn’t be happier. My sister has 2 boys already so I think she was ready for the girl our late grandmother had predicted.
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I am a product of Western Civilization. I occasionally joke that I am in recovery from Western Civilization. I am still occasionally sarcastic. But I am a product of my dominant culture and as much as I pretend to resist it that means that I am the product of a Judeo-Christian tradition.
I am also a product of being raised as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the Mormon Church. A childhood steeped in and a lifetime spent around certain ideas makes a permanent impression on one’s character. I am not a practicing Mormon, obviously, but what I valued in my childhood closely mirrors what I value today, and if you’ve ever seen Temple Square at Christmastime or seen the Tabernacle Choir’s Christmas special, you know that Mormons do Christmas like few other churches, except the Roman Catholic, can. Read the rest of this entry »
Finally. The days are getting longer. I start getting sad in September when the color of the light changes. More than any other month, bad things have happened to me in December. Apprehension and all the demands for merriness combine to make me feel guilty, as well as sad. If there ever was a time that I think it would be easier to simply ‘check out,’ it’s now.
I heard someone in a meeting last night say they knew they were supposed to feel grateful so I had to ask myself honestly if that is what I’m feeling – ungrateful. I am grateful. I’m just learning to navigate the holidays sober. It is only the 2nd one after all.
The days are getting longer now, and I’m happy about that. Every day we’re a bit closer to spring. Feeling grief and shame over winters past and fear over what may happen today, will all pass, as they always do. I’m just trying to focus on my gratitude and my hope – and the extra few minutes of light.
Though it was written as an amendment to the Al-Anon bill of rights, they are all such good and sensible ideas that they could be embrased by anyone in recovery.
An excerpt:
14. I have the right to say ‘I don’t know’.
15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
20. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
Thanks to Syd. You can see the rest of the list at I’m just F.I.N.E.
It was in the early hours of the morning of the day after my birthday two years ago that I was given my first step. It didn’t feel much like a gift at the time, but that’s exactly what it was; a gift of grace.
Out of money and out of drugs, stood up on my birthday by the boy I was obsessed with, and hurt, and more afraid than I have ever been, I had set out to hunt down the object of my obsession and get fixed. There wasn’t anything I was feeling that smoking a gram or two of crystal meth with a handsome sociopath who called me “buddy” wasn’t going to fix. At least for awhile. At least through the night. Read the rest of this entry »
Marc suggested that I start going to Al-Anon eons ago, even before this round of insanity began. But since I’ve decided that I’ve been sober long enough now, and that it is what I believe my creator would have me do, I plan on being involved in my mom’s life, I think it’s also time that I actually add Al-Anon to the regemin.
I got up the other morning to the news that mom had been arrested the night before for DUI and leaving the scene of an accident. After talking to other members of my family I learned much more. My brother and I went to her house with the intent of talking her into going to treatment. That was wildly unsuccessful. My step-dad is talking about getting her committed; something I’ve been thinking about for at least the last 3 years.
She said the cops wrecked her car. She said she doesn’t take pills. She said she almost never drinks. She said if we had any idea what she’s been through we’d understand.
The thing is, I do understand. I understand all too well. I know that she has no more idea about why she does what she does than I did. She just isn’t ‘there’ yet. I finally am there with regard to Al-Anon.
I’m getting over a horrible cold and it’s almost impossible to write when you’re sick.
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