Day 666 off crystal meth - “Well. Who could be responsible for that?”

Remember when that Australian guy called practically every recovery blogger on the internet, “Agents of Satan”?

Yeah, well, agent of Satan, reporting for duty.

I was thinking about some of the things I’ve learned and how far I’ve come in all these days and, I don’t know, I’m pretty grateful.

One of the things I’ve learned is that the Higher Power of my own understanding, hasn’t turned out to be anything like what I thought a Higher Power was.  It took me awhile to even hear what we read at the begining of every meeting - “a loving God”.  I didn’t grow up with a loving God - or at least His people weren’t very loving.  To be LDS and queer is a special kind of mind fuck.  To be an addict on top of that is a profoundly sad experience. There is a Higher Power, and I’m not it. Though it resides inside me, and in you, and in everything around us. In 666 days I found a God who loves me.

I also learned that the lonliness that I thought was killing me while I was in active addiction, was, in fact, killing me.  I learned that I cannot survive the kind of isolation I lived in.  But the kind of companionship I thought I needed turned out to be wrong.  Intimate companionship and sexual companionship are different things.  And while I don’t have the latter, I’m not dying from a lack of it.  I am connected to people who love me and support me; people who want the best for me.  People who listen when I need to talk, who hold me when I need to cry, and who offer me the opportunity to do the same for them.  Lonliness was killing me, and I’m not lonely anymore.

I’ve learned that staying sober is a much simpler proposition than I believed it was at the beginning.  So long as I keep that last couple of times in mind - especially the moment of clarity of December 13, 2006.  As long as I remember to laugh out of countenance the idea that drugs and alcohol are fun, or will work for me, or won’t harm me again,  I don’t have to struggle with the urge to use.  And at this point I can hardly imagine taking the time out of my life to do that.  I’ve got a whole lotta’ livin’ to do.

I’ve learned that I am a much better person, deep down, than I ever thought I was.  I would definately want to be my friend.  For all the quirkiness and baggage, and for all that remains of my life to move forward through, I am still a real bargain as a friend.  Most people never learn that because those things scare them off.  But I know it. I happen to be absolutely certain that I’m worth the effort.

I learned that I am not only bad at living alone, but that I don’t like it.  And I’ve learned that being in a house with a dishwaher and a washer and dryer is infinitly easier than living in a shitty studio apartment with a bathroom sink in the kitchen.

I’ve learned that I am a much stronger person that I believed 666 days ago, that there are within me incredible reserves of hope, and faith, and courage.

And I’ve learned that however things turn out, they turn out; that whatever it is I can survive it and transcend it, and often grow from it.  My friend Owen says that if you want to know what God’s will is, look around.

And I have.  I’ve looked around, on my 666th day sober and I wonder, “Who could be responsible for that?”

=)ccm