October 2008

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Classy

October 31, 2008 in Hope, Perseverance, Willingness by Chris | 5 comments

Well, we’ve made it through the first week.  It hasn’t been without problems.  There have been kinks to work out. But over all?  I’d say we’re doing fine.

The only way to actually have time to do homework assigned on Monday or Tuesday is to telecommute on Wednesdays.  That way I’m prepared for class on Wednesday and Thursday.  And my job was super supportive of that.

They’re also helping me find a car.  I was totally prepared to buy a junker to get through the winter, but I can totally afford the payment on a low end new car even though my credit score won’t let me do that.  Their idea is that a new car is still a better deal so later in the week we’re car shopping.

I tested out of math, which frees up some of my time.  I’m shocked at how well I did on the placement test.  I haven’t taken a math class since 7th grade.

Oh, yeah.  That’s me on my first day of kindergarten in 1970. Pretty cute, huh?

Ghost Story

October 30, 2008 in Ephemera by Chris | No comments

My imaginary, future ex-husband on drugs.I got the weirdest email today. From the imaginary, future ex-husband.  And it’s apparantly set up on some sort of automated system that will continue sending me this notification forever.  I can spam it of course, or change my email, but I mean really.  It read:

This night in 1998 my sister Sara, my friend Ryan and I robbed a fast food restaraunt called the Whole Enchilada. I have forgotton how much money we recieved but I think it was around $200. We got away that night but about one month later we found ourselves sitting in Ada County Jaill awaiting arraignment. I was sixteen years old.

So 10 years later, at 26, he’s still sitting in prison.  Again.  Probably doing life a nickle at a time, like so many of us do.

So goddamn random.

It’s good to be sober, eh?

Everybody Juggles.

October 28, 2008 in Courage, Perseverance, Willingness by Chris | 4 comments

So why shouldn’t I juggle too?  I’ve been juggling already.  Figuring out how to live sober has been really, really tricky. I don’t even think that, on balance, I’m very good at it.  I’ve complained about the big chunks of my life that really aren’t working, that I struggle with, that I’m apparently unwilling to fix, but I’ve also come to believe that I have a natural failure level.  No matter how high the bar is set, I come in X percent below it.  So if I want to achieve more, perhaps I should just raise the bar high enough to reach the real goals – Ideal – Failure Rate = Achievable Goal  Maybe that’s just an insane idea, too.  Who knows.

On some level though I know that when I really push myself, I achieve more. Read the rest of this entry »

Hunt and Ye Shall Find – The surprising results of the MANHUNT experiment

October 23, 2008 in Ephemera by Chris | 11 comments

“Photo illustration by Rene Flores, Copyright 2007. Used with permission.”

By day 2 of the MANHUNT experiment I was clear that it wasn’t meant to be part of my path. I’d gotten the random hookup out of the way and found that incredibly lacking, and I’d played email tag with a couple of guys that I really didn’t care to meet. I had also exchanged a couple of emails with, Marc had asked if I was responding to guys with profiles like mine, right? A couple of emails with a guy who’s entire profile read:

I can’t even know what to say…and yes, I know that’s not gramatically correct.

Perfect. (It’s not spelled right either so I gave him extra bonus points.)  Read the rest of this entry »

You have to play to win.

October 21, 2008 in Honesty by Chris | No comments

 

More and more I’m beginning to think that if one gets sober and stays sober it is entirely by happenstance; that no amount of effort, no profound experience, no treatment program, no great desire, no necessity, has the power to get and keep any of us sober. And I certainly don’t have the power to produce sobriety on my own. So if I can’t get sober because I want it bad enough, need it bad enough, have worked hard enough for it, have paid enough for it, etc., then every day that I happen to stay sober must be an anomaly. A fluke.

Or a product of grace.

There is a man who attends many of the same meetings I attend, who, I don’t know, it may look different to someone who is really paying attention, but to a newcomer, or relative newcomer, tells an incredibly inspirational story. He talks about being a half gallon a day vodka drinker who was set free by the program of AA. He has a powerfully moving story that made me always look forward to hearing him speak. 

Read the rest of this story.

Choosing Between Love and Fear

October 17, 2008 in Hope by Chris | 9 comments

I was reading this post over at myOutSpirit.com about an article in the September issue of Out Magazine which considers how online cruising has changed gay urban social life by, for example, driving human interactions from physical spaces to virtual ones and encouraging the “pornification” of gay self-expression. The Out article is appropriately titled, “Has Manhunt Destroyed Gay Culture?”

“The most powerful secrets we keep on Manhunt aren’t the ones we keep from the outside world. The most powerful secrets on Manhunt are the ones we keep from ourselves. Practically every gay man has his own version of this secret, which we learned to keep while growing up in the closet: the secret fear that, if we were truly known, we would never be loved. Read the rest of this entry »

Quick and Dirty Gratitude List

October 14, 2008 in Willingness by Chris | 7 comments

I can’t remember the last time I actually wrote a gratitude list and since I’ve been in a kind of crappy place in my head recently I probably ought to write one.  Even if it is trite.  My sponsor said I shouldn’t include the things I should expect – food, shelter, clothing – but that I should really reach, whatever that means. So for the next 5 minutes . . . .

My sense of humor.

My cat.

GOOD coffee.

To not be locked up.

Kelly Ripa (so cute)

My sponsor.

My scooter.

A few more warm days.

Owen, Robert, Charlotte, Millison (my close friends)

Joe, Jake, Aaron, Dennis (the men I sponsor)

Ouch.  Time’s up.

when suddenly, and without any warning,

October 11, 2008 in Perseverance, Willingness by Chris | 7 comments

it started to snow.

Snow!

I’m not freaking kidding. And not just a little snow, either. The forecast was for a little rain.  A 40% chance of rain. And we got snow.

It was the earliest snowfall ever recorded here, beating the previous record by two days and 1/2 an inch, and while it has melted off the streets now, my lawn is still holding on to a tattered blanket of the stuff.  Now, of course, it didn’t actually start to snow until three full minutes after I got on my scooter to go home from work. I was smart enough to wear a rubber jacket to work, but I didn’t put the mask on my helmet and I don’t own a pair of gloves, so by the time I got home from work my face was completely red, my hands completely frozen, and I was soaking wet from the waist down. Read the rest of this entry »

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