The first day I was on Ritilin I took it as prescribed.
Yuck. Did the trick in terms of attention and focus, sense of well being, etc., but it had the unfortunate and uncomfortable side effect of making me feel like I’d been high. The good news is that it was an intensely uncomfortable feeling. I saw my sponsor that night. He’s taken Ritilin before, and suggested that I cut the dose in half or 3/4, both simple changes since the tablets are scored.
Yesterday I tried the lower dose. I’m really glad that I didn’t notice any of that coming down edge that was so disturbing, yet it was enough to achieve the intended effect. I realized that I have to treat this as I treat mouthwash (which can get me drunk), or hot dog buns (which smell like beer).
The book promises that we alcoholics and addicts can do all kinds of things that we’re not supposed to be able to do, provided that we have a good reason to and that we are in fit spiritual condition. Mindfulness, honesty, and willingness go a long way toward maintaining that fitness.
I’ve often wondered if I would ever become spiritually fit enough to get the hell out of Boise and move somewhere that I have some hope of finding long-term intimate companionship; the kind of relationship that I believe most, if not all of us, were created to have. I feel certain that there are rooms and gardens of the human character that remain closed or undiscovered in the absence of another – darkness within us that can only be illuminated by another. And not that I want to imply that HP is limited in any way, or couldn’t or wouldn’t provide an avenue for that to happen here in Boise, but let’s be honest, the demographics are not really in my favor.
I’ve actually become pretty comfortable living and being in the world and in my community as it is, instead of the way I’d like it to be. Que sera, sera. My friend Owen always says, “If you want to know what God’s will is, look around.” For the last 8 years or so I’ve had this fantasy of moving back to West Hollywood, though, and one of the reasons I haven’t entertained the idea very seriously is the level of temptation there. I realize the book talks about the Greenland ice cap and Eskimos bearing akvavit, and it has been my experience that I can find anything here as easily as I could anywhere else.
Except for Marc O., whom I have regarded as an anomaly, I have questioned whether guys like me get and stay sober. Well I ran into someone I used to know in West Hollywood in the early 80s, on Facebook. He’s possibly the only living link to that time for me. God only knows why I remembered him among all the people who came through my life at that time, but I did. And he’s been sober for over 14 years. He sent me an email that said, “If you want to know what happy, joyous, and free looks like around here take a look at my photo album.”
It looks wonderful. It looks like home.
The Department of Corrections will likely not let me move for another 3-1/2 years, but that may just be the right ammount of time to get really secure in my own recovery, and perhaps enough time to start connecting with other recovering men there by electronic means. Maybe going back is not as impossible and not as dangerous as I’ve thought. That would be cool.
Tags: ADD, Addiction, ADHD, Boise, Department of Corrections, free, gay men, Greenland, happy, Hope, joyous, methamphetamine, relationships, Ritalin, romance, sobriety, West Hollywood
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there are more contradictions to the figures around if you take the time to look. even if not, know that people recover… they stop and stay stopped..
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Moving back to Hollywood may sound nice Chris, but things are never quite as good as you may remember them. Be glad you are where you are. Your life is what you make of it. God knows I don’t want to live in freakin Alaska and freeze my ass off the rest of my life! But, I’ve come into my own here (somewhat) and this has brought me to the present time and place. I like you have strong desires to be somewhere else, and that in itself scares me. What am I really trying to accomplish by relocating? I want the feeling I imagine will happen if I move. Moving and thinking of a “New”life brings me all kinds of warm and fuzzy feelings. I like to start new. Leave all the crap behind me and start fresh. Begin over again. I get into a bad cycle because of that. I like to erase what happened before….It’s easy for me to just move and start over. Staying where you are at and facing things headon, living with a past that is out there for all to see is what I find admirable. I wonder if “normal” people feel like this? I would probably move every other year if it wern’t for my daughter! Chris, stay strong and know you are where you are supposed to be. I am proud of you!
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I hear you. You won’t be there forever, right? It reallysucks feeling trepped!
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I have DONE West Hollywood, Hollywood, Silverlake, Santa Monica, LA as a every night bargoer and then every day tweeker, and now 4 years immersed in recovery, so I KNOW THIS TOPIC. We have hundreds of meetings a week here, you can swim in it 24/7 and never get bored. I get tempted all the time, but not by using, by the handsome and smart and supportive men in the rooms, and those are just the straight ones.
It is very easy to avoid the bars and those dicey places on the internet, and very easy to fellowship all you want. Now, I do get the feeling that all the idea of all the men and all that desire makes you nervous, feels like a giant trigger, but do we ever get over that as human beings? The only thing worse than feeling that is not, in my book. At least here, there are tons of sober men who are going through the same thing. You can share about it to your heart’s content. (And a lot of the best men are taken or emotionally unavailblbe or fucked up, but where isn’t that the case?)
I would say the bigger challenge is economic, and your 3 years of preparation should be geared toward making sure you’d make enough to live a decent life. It’s not NY or San Fran, but it’s certainly pricier than Boise. But there’s a lot more opportunity and amazingly creative people.
I saw Marc R. this morning by the way, and he spoke of you. He was very touched that you remembered him, and is enjoying being back in touch. I talked up your blog of course. He’s a great guy.
Maybe you can come down to the CMALA convention in March or AALA around Memorial Day and see for yourself. -
You will definitely be able to earn a living. But dependable transport, plus insurance, plus much higher rents means you want to come with a cushion.
But I’m all for it, make no mistake.
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