In all honesty the 2 most possible of the three types of relationships that I might have with Dennis are the sponsor/sponsee and roommate/roommate relationships. I’m not so caught up in fantasy as to not realize that once he’s gotten through the steps he’s going to be a different person than he is now. I’ll be different when I’ve done more work. And seriously, I’ve been free of romantic entanglements for so long now that, while I still have a “happily ever after” fantasy (Jane Austism if you will), I’m not at all sure that I have what it takes to, or even an interest in pursuing that. Read the rest of this entry »
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Final answer.
And that’s all I need. While I may (or may not) entertain the suggestions of friends, I do what my sponsor suggests without rebuttal. I’ll question him to learn how to think and hear about his own experience, but I do what he suggests. Period.
And he says, “No.”
Oddly, he’s softer on the dating question.
I think I should start looking for a roommate elsewhere, though. I’ve lived alone for 6 months now and I hate it. I’m bad at it. And it’s too expensive.
Back when I was trying to get sober, still with a roof over my head and looking for a treatment center to go to, back when my mom and step-dad were all for sending me, before they changed their minds and did what they could to destroy my life, and while I was completely high, I sat down at my computer and contributed to an article on WikiHow called “How to Beat Drug Addiction.” The internet is just a hotbed of mental illness, isn’t it? I wrote items 5 and 9 on the list of steps. Reviewing them now I still think they make good sense. Read the rest of this entry »
He’s back in. That’s good. My sponsor asked what I would have wanted someone to do when I went out. That answer was easy. I was desperate to know that someone cared. That anyone cared. I know now that they did, but everyone I knew simply stepped back. And I remember feeling like it didn’t matter anyway; that I could show up or not and nobody cared. So why bother to care myself, you know? Read the rest of this entry »
Not to say that I’ve cried. I haven’t. I won’t. That kind of emotional attachment just isn’t there. All that was there was the recognition of the kinds of qualities that might make me willing to invest myself further.
But apparently I have a long, long way to go in the discernment department. When I got up yesterday morning I called my sponsor and discussed with him the whole idea about doing step work with someone I’m interested in and between the two of us we decided that it was probably very important that 5 happens with someone besides me, but for everything else my participation on some lesser level would be an important form of support. Read the rest of this entry »
My favorite writer, Paul Monette, along with several collections of poetry, an acclaimed collection of essays, and two biographies, one of which won the National Book Award, wrote a bunch of pulp fiction. It is pulp. The stories aren’t challenging. They don’t really give one much to think about. But they are so beautifully written that I have read several of them many, many times. Read the rest of this entry »
Trey McIntyre's dance company performing “Leatherwing Bat†last month at Jacob’s Pillow in Becket, Mass
There are all kinds of things that I think automatically, answers I give without consideration, judgements I enter without a fair trial. Moving beyond my knee-jerk psychic construct, at least with regard to drugs and alcohol, and with regard to many of my ideas about myself, has been an absolute necessity in getting and staying sober. That process hasn’t so much been one of erasing my automatic judgements, but one of replacing them with new ones. That is the exclusive product of enough honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness to let go of my old ideas, acknowledge the truth about myself, and to view the situation through the lens of “a new pair of glasses.” Being the lazy and comfort seeking creature I am, and being that I am more often motivated by pain than anything else, many of my automatic judgments have never been called for appellate review. Read the rest of this entry »
The first day I was on Ritilin I took it as prescribed.
Yuck. Did the trick in terms of attention and focus, sense of well being, etc., but it had the unfortunate and uncomfortable side effect of making me feel like I’d been high. The good news is that it was an intensely uncomfortable feeling. I saw my sponsor t Read the rest of this entry »
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