Being Convinced

I was going to pay my rent early, because I could, sort of. I have the money, but not the cash. And I intended to get up early this morning and go to the bank before I went to work today, but that didn’t happen either.

Yesterday was an incredibly long day. Now that I’m back on Planet Look Something Shiny (ADHD and unmedicated) I lose everything I put down. It’s incredibly frustrating just getting through the day right now. When you add that to working all day with my boss, who isn’t much better than I am. On our own, we’re both fine, jusst as long as we get to focus on what we need to focus on without distraction. Add conflicting expectations, interruptions, customers, different ways of communicating, wildly different personalities, and . . . She was only coming in for a couple of hours goddamnit. She, I can’t figure out how she did this, but she totally fucked up the till. We tried to figure that out for an hour and a half.

I got to go to a 10 o’clock meeting and by the time I got home I just slipped into a coma. At 3AM my phone rang and it was a newcomer, but he was already drunk. That kept me up for an hour. Back to sleep, badly, in the bed that wants me dead and at 8 this morning I managed to drag myself out of bed.

Work today was a little more chill. I took time with a customer to design 3 closets for her new home and gave her the bid. On my way home though I called some friends to see if I could find someone to have dinner with. No one was home. I had a terrible itch to spend money to change how I feel and I pulled into Office Depot. Barked at the second clerk who asked if he could help me find something. “No!” I walked through the store and there it was. A desk. The desk pictured above.  desk that is going on sale tomorrow for about  $50.

$50 I don’t really have to spend on a desk. But as I sit here on the bed that wants me dead, typing away, I am pretty much convinced that I am going to have to round up a friend to drive that desk over to my house tomorrow.

Once I’m convinced of something, the difficulty of a job, the importance of a desk, the homocidal natrue of a bed -the fact that I am an addict, the futility of life as I had been living it, it is very difficult to convince me of anything else. I’m glad that, at least with my disease, conviction made me willing to work so hard for something different.

That desk is only on sale at that price tomorrow and Monday. I’m going to wait a bit. I’ll talk with my DA sponsor. I’ll see if I’m still convinced on Monday. But I’m also  going to work with another suffering alcoholic/addict and see if he is convinced enough to start taking some steps to change.