Hansel needs some sugar in his bowl.

Seriously? That was border line rude. Me dissing you would have been having no plans, received your offer, and then made other plans.

It wasn’t borderline. What I did wasn’t borderline. It was rude and stupid and, seriously, I should be put out of my misery. First of all, I blame Oprah, because if I hadn’t been watchin’ the Oprah show I probably wouldn’t have been concerned, and therefore do what I did.

You see, Dr. Oz says that if you’re having less than 200 orgasms a year you’ll die. I’m kidding, but he did say that if you’re getting it that regularly your “real age” is about 4 years younger than your actual age. I’m fine with that. I got it pretty early that there were two ways to chance how I feel that, as a recovering person, are pretty safe: meditation and masturbation. Oz did say that it is preferable to have those orgasms with someone you love, That hasn’t happened since, like, 1993, which astonishes and horrifies me.

Then she had another guest, a sex researcher, who claimed to have done research regarding the longevity of a happy sex life and some of the things that correlate to it.  It seems that any extended period of abstinence inhibits a return to activity and diminishes the level of activity one returns to.  People who are 70 and are sexually active have always been sexually active. People who are 50 and aren’t having much sex anymore can expect to not have much sex anymore ever. Seems that the adage “use it or lose it” has merit.

Moreover, the seniors who still have healthy, active sex lives, have always had a fuck buddy to tide them over in between relationships. This fact was attested to by a woman in her 70s.

Except for the random, one-way, unsolicited, and not desired blow job which I obliged my Imaginary Future Ex-Husband last Halloween, I haven’t gotten laid since I got sober some 20 months ago. And this is not my first extended period of celibacy in my life. I’m something of a triple-threat when it comes to not having sex: a socially retarded Mormon who lived through West Hollywood in the 80s. Sex freaks me out.

I got a random message on Facebook about a month ago from someone who obviously knows me, and knows me from an extended period of sobriety about 7 years ago. And this guy is an appropriate age. He’s had his heart seriously broken before, one of my big requirements as broken hearted people often have more clarity about what they need in a relationship and what they have to give.

So, after some extended flirting, I asked him out; just coffee, nothing too obvious. Yes, he’d love to, he said, but he might be going camping that weekend and he’d let me know. Well I never heard back from him, at least in that context. After the weekend the Facebook exchanges started again, and more than that, expanded to real life kind of talking. How’s work/school? What do you think of this? Are you going to XYZ?

But the original coffee date was never revisited by either of us. I could have just left it alone. You know, moved on (to where?) or dropped it. That would have been fine. That’s obviously not what I did. Curious and annoyed, and kind of hurt, got the better of me and I fired off a message to him:

You dissed me in favor of camping nearly 3 weeks ago. Is that going to change?

I didn’t need to do that. I can’t even have a fuck-buddy or a set of training wheels without pissing people off.

Also filed under “Hansel needs some sugar in his bowl”, I was out of sugar for my morning coffee and went to the Quickie-Mart to buy an unnecessary doughnut and steal a fistful of sugar packets. Out of the corner of my eye I saw that they also sold sugar there and since I had exactly enough money to buy the sugar, plus one cent, I acted with a microgram of integrity and bought it.

So I guess in spite of the obvious deficiencies, there is recognizable growth taking place, huh?

All kidding aside, I did what I do and got the results I get. Though I wish to hell I could blame Oprah, it was really just little ol’ me who made a decision, based on self, that later placed me in a position to grow by repairing fences.

You see, Oprah, or one of her guests, says that when you stop having sex, getting back on the horse (sic) is very difficult. People who