It is what it is.

There is a fantastic post over at the Trudge Report about being careful about the difference between our needs and wants as they relate to others.

When I did my 4th step, I recognized that my needs are not met by other people, but by God. I don’t think it’s overstating that case to say that I need some washer & dryer from somewhere. It is God’s determination where that comes from. This takes him off the psychological “hook” for me. Now of course I don’t like debating all this stuff, but it passes, and I need to not develop a resentment from it.

Now some reader out there is thinking, “But M, he’s trying to screw you!” Well, maybe he is (finally), but that’s not the point. Other people are going to disappoint me in this life, even though I am trying to stay sober. I don’t get some sort of pass on assholes because I like alcohol too much. I have to stay sober in spite of what life presents me.

And that, by the way, is an appropriate use of the phrase “have to”.

Since shortly after I got sober I’ve bee taking modafinil, a drug that has been shown to improve cognitive function in people with many kinds of brain injuries and CNS disease, is suspected to be an effective treatment for methamphetamin dependence, and is incredibly effective as a treatment for ADHD; basically this is the drug for me.  I’ve done really well with this drug.

For the last year I’ve been on the Provigil patient assistance program, administered by NORD, because Provigil is pretty expensive.  The price has come down by about 50% in the last year so that means that a month supply is about $250.

I contacted NORD yesterday because it is time for me to recertify for the program and they told me that the  program is closed, even to current participants.  They said it may be open again after the first of the year.

My first reaction was panic.  I know that days I don’t take modafinil that there is much less of me to work with.  The other drugs that are used for ADHD are not indicated in stimulant addicts or I don’t tolerate well (Stratera makes me ill).  Perhaps it is time to find out if I can live and thrive without pharmacological support.

I don’t like it, but it is what it is; an opportunity to grow or change.  If I start falling apart 8 days from now, when I run out, please say something, because I may not notice.