I think, therefore I’m in pain. I’m in pain, therefore I am.
My bed is crippling me and I have no immediate or intermediate hope of getting a new one. I have a significant bill (from my wonderful attorney) which I’ve ignored for months now that requires my immediate attention (now that I have a job). Yesterday I got a bill from the department of correcitons (presumably for supervising me and I can’t even begin to tell you what kind of resentments I have about that) for $800. I owe my shrink money.I’m living in the Debtor’s Anonymous version of having “so many problems he despaired of ever solving them.”
Among the reasons that AA really worked for me to get sober is the desperation I had when I came in this time. The only consequence I was trying to escape was the pain I was in coupled with the clarity that I would never be able to solve the underlying causes and conditions so long as I continued using.
I’ve gotten specific direction about making a beginning in DA and I have made a half-assed attempt at following it, but I haven’t done as good a job at it as I need to if I am going to get the kind of clarity that I need, to be ’successful’ in solving my financial problems.
The first direction you get in DA is to start tracking all your income and spending. Now I’m great at stuffing receipts in my wallet. Transferring those to an ongoing record before the imprint has faded out has been more problematic. They suggest a little notebook and immediate recording at the time of purchase. I can hardly remember to take the ‘”green card” I’m required to keep to record my 12-step meeting attendance. And in terms of getting clarity about my monthly expenses, the non-discretionary kind, and my debts, which I am mostly in denial about, I need a better and easier to use solution. If I am ever going to retire my debt I need to get honest about what it is I owe.
I think I must have a little more willingness just at the moment. As I write this I am downloading the free version of QuickBooks, I heve the receipts from the purchases of the last couple of days, and I have the last 3 bills that came in the mail (all unopened, by the way). If pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth then perhaps the backache I’ve had for the last two weeks will motivate me to move beyone my status as a Godless pauper whose place is in the Almshouse, to being an economically productive and financially secure member of the human community - one who owns a wonderful bed.
Tags: clarity, DA, Debtors Anonymous, pain, vagueness, Willingness
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August 8, 2008 at 12:12 pm
bobbie
my hubby is massively adhd and has found that 7 index cards in his back pocket and a retractable pen (shrinks down to 2″) in his front pocket have been a life saver for him.
the index cards are so cheap you don’t feel bad using them. they are all the same size so it’s not scraps of different paper. they don’t get wadded up in your pockets and you can track and file any and every idea you have.
he also is a handy, dandy guy to have around because he’s always got a pen & card to help anyone. i don’t know why 7 is his magic number, but i think it has something to do with 5 isn’t enough, 8 starts to become visible in the pocket? i’m not really sure.
anyway - i know it has given him so much life and self confidence not to be forgetful guy any more - and every creative idea, story line, funny t-shirt/joke gets scribbled down and filed until a later date when he has the time to file and put projects together.
oh - and an inexpensive 2″ of foam on our 20 year old mattress has made ours a lot more bearable until we can finally save the pennies for a new one.
August 8, 2008 at 12:14 pm
bobbie
(oh - and dollar store photo albums work great to keep cards organized into projects and story boards)
August 8, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Marc
Boy, my neighborhood has a fairly inshape mattress on the street every 20 minutes. I’m sleeping on one, in fact. Do check out the Salvation Army.
I’d say your route to manageability lies in the tight embrace of incrementalism. Taken as a whole, your challenges are overwhelming. Taken as a problem that needs to be solved at the rate of 1/365 a year, then perhaps it not so huge. If fact, taking every thing you owe and dividing it by 365 might be a pretty effective technique. Owing $20 a day is rather less intimidating, than whatever 20 x 365 is.
At the risk of being obnoxious, I am the son of a Latin teacher, so I must note that that “I think” is “Cognito” -with a “g”
August 8, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Chris
I relied on someone else’s misspelling, but ‘cognito’, which I had originally thought was correct is also incorrect due to the placement of the word in the sentence.
The correct phrase would be “Cogito, ergo doleo.”
“cogito, ergo sum.” Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 08 Aug. 2008. .
August 8, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Mary (MPJ)
I hate that getting life back together requires the organizational skills I’m lacking that helped get me into the mess in the first place. Glad that DA is helping. It has helped us and things are slowly getting better.
August 8, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Chris
I hate it too. The irony and humor in my employment at a place that prides itself on being the place to buy “everything to organize anything” makes me nearly pee laughing
August 9, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Marc
I’m so embarassed I said “Cognito” instead of “Cogito. ” I knew that! (I was clearly influenced by “incognito”–which is Italian not Latin.) I believe the two verbs are “cogere” for “to think” and “cognere” for to know”
August 10, 2008 at 8:50 am
Chris
LOL - Cognito just kind of makes sense, too. Somewhere else I read a post which used that word, kiind of a Latin mashup, and suggested it’s meaning would be “I am aware of my ego.” So it’s a good and useful word, even if it isn’t a real one.
August 10, 2008 at 9:20 am
Alan Butterworth
Hi from South Africa,
Great site. Would you link to me at http://alcoholism-alifesentence.blogspot.com/? I will link to you.
Thanks
Alan Butterworth
August 10, 2008 at 9:36 am
warrior scout
you really echo some of my own feelings currently. i keep plodding along because all this imperfection in my life is still strides better than my life before 12 step. it’s a process. (and it’s about acceptance, too) hang in there- you’ve got plenty to work toward…