The Cheerleader

Dennis is a “30 day wonder” and an unfortunate artifact of my bad old days; and he was at the meeting I went to last night.  I don’t normally attend the local gay AA meeting except on milestones.  I’ve heard that all you need to start a new meeting is a resentment and a coffee pot.  I was halfway there when I realized there were 179 other meetings in the Treasure Valley that weren’t Gay AA, so I saved myself the cost of a Mr. Coffee and looked for the solution elsewhere.  The meeting I attended last night, though, was nothing like.  No.  That’s a lie.  It was not so much like the dull and decidedly non-spiritual meetings I grew resentful at.  I was really happy I was there.

When the topic of the meeting came up, which revolved around the recent suicide death of another member’s sexual abuser and brother, Dennis got up and left the room.  Now, I happen to know that Dennis, who we disparagingly dubbed “the cheerleader” due to the exaggerated physical tics he has when he is high, is not connected to the greater recovery community, and did not call his sponsor the last time he was supposed to.  I suspected Dennis was on his way out, not just out of the room.

Near the end of the meeting, Dennis reappeared, and shared.  He said he had walked in the room feeling, because of a minor inconvenience he had caused himself (my words, not his), he was the most victimized and persecuted person in Idaho.  He walked in wanting immediate attention which he felt, he deserved by virtue of his terrible, (and self-imposed) circumstances..  When the topic came up he became so uncomfortable that he was unable to compete with that level of pain that he felt compelled to leave.  He could not stand to not be the center of attention.  I guess if you’re always under 30 days, you’re always the most important person in the room, huh?

His not being the center of attention set that curious mental twist into motion and compelled him to leave, and to call his dealer.  When he came in he admitted that he was unsure he would ever be able to recover.  “When did I become so selfish?”

I’ve known Dennis a long, long time.  I knew him, and rather couldn’t stand him, when we both still used.  Once he held me hostage in his house because he was absolutely positive I stole the dope I had just sold him. After 3 hours he found it, in the freezer, right where he put it.  I never let him come to my house.  You simply never could get him to leave.  Or shut up.  Or make sense.  “When did I become so selfish?”

I bit my tongue.  I didn’t say, “Are you fucking kidding me?  You just now noticed?”

On the other hand, the fact that Dennis was actually able to come back to the meeting and own what was going on with him.  Owning his need to be the center of attention at group level was pretty incredible.  Of course his copping to calling his dealer, who he claims not to have reached, sort of trumped the other member’s grief card, but I don’t know that think that Dennis was conscience of that.

I suggested he go to a 10 o’clock meeting, and he did.  When the asked if anyone wanted a phone list I suggested that he raise his hand, and he did.  When they asked for volenteers to help clean up I suggested he raise his hand, and he did.  If nothing else, he got about 3 more hours in between his compulsion and actually picking up.

For yesterday that may have been enough.