And There I Was . . .

Caught in the Snide

And in that dreadful place

Those spooky empty pants and I

Were standing face to face.

I yelled for help. I screamed. I shrieked.

I howled. I yowled. I cried.

Oh! Save me from those pale green pants

With nobody inside.

-Dr. Seuss

Isn’t that the essence of fear?  When we finally find the courage to face our fear we often discover it is empty.  Having conquered one, we move along in life, unaware of which of our unknown or unacknowledged fears lies ahead; what opportunity for incredible spiritual growth remains to be discovered.

This last one had the kind of power that I have had to seek the solution as it is offered in another 12 step program.  Since one cannot practice complete abstinence of spending or earning money, and since the lack of power to produce an effect in that area of my life is crippling, I am adding Debtors Anonymous to the regimen of disciplines in my arsenal.

I’m reminded again of the tremendous power of surrender.  I was unable to take any action on my own.  I thought, with respect to making a living, keeping a roof over me and Gracie’s heads, rice in the bowl, that if only “managed well” I’d be able to maintain what I needed, on my own.  I forgot that I’ve never managed anything well on my own. I forgot that asking my Higher Power to show me the actions I need to take and give me the strength to take them will work, if only I am able to be honest with myself about what’s going on.

The problem is solved, for the moment.  There is more to do, a more complete solution to find, and a spiritual discipline to embrace.  In the meantime, the hemorrhaging has stopped and I’m safe.  From my perspective, it appears to be my Higher Power doing for me what I could not do for myself.  From my perspective it looks like a Twinkie came through the keyhole as soon as I opened the damn closet door.  It feels like a miracle. I’m not quick to discount the appearance of miracles.  I count on them, when I finally remember to.

So that’s the thing.  The last option I ever think of to solve my problems is the solution that got me sober, even though I claim to practice it in all my affairs.  I am not that spiritually evolved.  I’m still in spiritual ’special ed’.  In retrospect, though, this lesson in surrender and humility has been incredible.  Just incredible.