July 2008

You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2008.

I didn’t realize it before, but I did.  I just,well, in spite of my protests to the contrary, I really do like people.  It is so much easier to sell something when all it involves is helping someone find something they want; when you can engage with them on a personal level.  I am so glad to be productive again.  I guess my boss noticed too.  I’ve been there a week and she gave me a $1.00/hr raise, and promised another next month.

The other freelance gig however is driving me crazy.  I’m not sure I’m in over my head but trying to learn Dreamweaver and Flash all at once is a little daunting.  I had agreed to author 4 static pages for the rate that we agreed on.  It has become a job that involves copywriting, flash authoring, and some pretty sophisticated XML that is way past, WAY PAST, anything I’ve ever done before.  And it needs to be finished tomorrow.

And I’m tired.  I mean sleepy.  Part of me thinks I should just stay up all night and jam it out.  The sensible part of me says I should go to bed and hit it in the morning.  Maybe I’ll eat something first.

Remind me that I want to talk about how we share in meetings.

In addition to the closet gig I got hired by someone in the program to build a website for them.  It’s turned out to be a much bigger job than I anticipated.  It is going to require learning Dreamweaver, Falsh, Photoshop.  Actually he lent me his PowerBook G4 and bought a new iMac – the big one, with extra memory – and the Adobe Creative Suite CS3 Master Edition.

I’m in way over my head and way under budget.  And I’m still holding my breath for money.

It might have been a good time to stop smoking, being out of cigarettes and all, but I scraped up $1.30 and headed over to the gas station around the corner at 2 this morning.  The dude working there gave me a pack of smokes.  Stale Winstons but what the fuck.  I am simply, at the moment anyway, unable to sit at a computer doing anything, especially stuff that requires extreme attention, without chain smoking and guzzling coffee.  The true mark of a geek, in’it?

So I’m distracting myself with Andy Warhol’s “Heat”.  Hot.  Bad and hot.

Closer to solvent, bad, and hot.

If the definition of ‘insase’ is repeating behavior, expecting different results, then I’m insane to go to the supermarket at that hour. Last night I needed milk.  Making the trip to the store after that particular meeting saves me time and money, so I stopped there again last night.

The woman in line in front of me was buying only condomss (the XL size) and a candy bar.

I’m guessing she was going home to put something in herself that makes her feel different.

I had just left the all time, well at least one of the bottom 10, all time worst AA meetings I have ever been in. I’m not judging. I’m just saying. I left grateful that I’m me, and I’m at this place in recovery. Enough said.

So the 10:00 meeting I was at is right next door to the supermarket and I had to pick up stuff for lunch so that I can eat lunch when I go to work (WAHOO! YEAH BABY! I GOT OFF MY FAT, POMPOUS ASS AND GOT A FREAKING JOB! WHOOO!) tomorrow. (In a related story, I’ll be designing and selling storage solutions -closets. I figure I’ve spent enough time in them that decorating them is the next logical step.)

In line in front of me were a couple of great looking guys. The one in his early 30s was just fantastic looking. Gorgeous teeth, stunning blue eyes, breathtaking legs. The guy with him, a mid-20s twink, was kind of red eyes, not nearly as impeccably groomed, but handsome just the same. The were both pretty animated; pretty smiley. Obviously together.

They were buying a 12 pack. And a roll of aluminum foil.

You know where my head went. I’m irritated and disgusted. And I’m kind of sad and lonely.

Dennis is a “30 day wonder” and an unfortunate artifact of my bad old days; and he was at the meeting I went to last night.  I don’t normally attend the local gay AA meeting except on milestones.  I’ve heard that all you need to start a new meeting is a resentment and a coffee pot.  I was halfway there when I realized there were 179 other meetings in the Treasure Valley that weren’t Gay AA, so I saved myself the cost of a Mr. Coffee and looked for the solution elsewhere.  The meeting I attended last night, though, was nothing like.  No.  That’s a lie.  It was not so much like the dull and decidedly non-spiritual meetings I grew resentful at.  I was really happy I was there.

When the topic of the meeting came up, which revolved around the recent suicide death of another member’s sexual abuser and brother, Dennis got up and left the room.  Read the rest of this entry »

Tonight I’m going to my first Debtors Anonymous meeting. There is only one DA meeting. There is only one of them a week here in Boise. I checked out the DA website this morning and it is really directed at people with incredible credit card debt. I don’t have debt like that, though I have tens of thousands of dollars of medical debt. In terms of spending, though, it seems like I’ve earned a seat there.

I had a sponsee call this morning who I got to confront about lying to me about using. I’ve been pretty irritated about that. I don’t know how you can offer the solution to someone who can’t be honest about the problem.

Welcome to another day in paradise, right?

My name is Chris and I’m an addict. By the grace of a Higher Power of my own understanding, strong sponsorship, the fellowship and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have not had to imbibe, ingest, inhale, or inject anything, to change who I am or to cope with the intolerable condition of my physical, mental, and spiritual life, for 18 consecutive months, today, and for that I am incredibly grateful.

Caught in the Snide
And in that dreadful place
Those spooky empty pants and I
Were standing face to face.
I yelled for help. I screamed. I shrieked.
I howled. I yowled. I cried.
Oh! Save me from those pale green pants
With nobody inside.
-Dr. Seuss

Isn’t that the essence of fear?  When we finally find the courage to face our fear we often discover it is empty.  Having conquered one, we move along in life, unaware of which of our unknown or unacknowledged fears lies ahead; what opportunity for incredible spiritual growth remains to be discovered. Read the rest of this entry »

« Older entries

get userping